Results of an online quiz

I needed this quote this morning, to remind me of how far I have come and encourage me to keep on the same path I am on.

I took a quiz by a British doctor who works with emotional eaters like me. There are 4 kinds. I am the emotional wounded profile, which seems reasonable to me. In the article it was suggested I tell myself I am worth something, that it is ok to open up and trust someone this time, that they will really listen to me with an open mind, and my past will not dictate my present and future.

I have lost 5 more pounds for a grand total of 25 pounds so far. Still more to go. My goal is to loose 15 more by the end of Summer and then 20 more by Yule.

I am working through what we started in AZ. They would be proud of me I hope.

Looked into if there is a KS Green Party, as I want to get active again in Politics. On the site it asked for anyone who wanted to start a group in KS to contact the National Green Party. Right now I am not in the position to do that, as I am working on healing of body, mind, and Spirit. That is the most important thing to get rid of the toxic people and things in my life. I will see where I am next Summer. So I think this election I will do what I can to help the Green Party get their message to Kansas, yet not take away from the most important thing I am working on right now. I have to heal and move forward in life.

Plus I am planning on taking a year and a day class, which is very important to me. I have started them before but didn’t finish because of Catholic/Christian guilt. Yet if someone is born a certain way, then how can the Bible and Church condemn them as evil and going to hell?

I have finally decided that I am going to get healthy and embrace life.

Inch by inch, step by step, I will do what is needed to achieve what I must to leave the past behind.

My Thoughts Part 2

Last night as I was reading the intro to the David Irving book, I thought how sad that some people are afraid of his books.  I have listen to David Irving speak in person when I lived in Phoenix.  He is not pro nazi, but is a Hstorian and is trying to help people understand WHY.

Today, so many people are afraid of the truth and would try and silence anyone who speaks a truth that is not pretty to look at.  How are future generations going to learn from History if we hide or deny a part of History?  It is my reading the journals of the nazi leaders themselves that we might be able to someday answer the question of WHY.

I agree with a Jewish man who wrote David Irving a letter that he put in the intro of his Goebbels book:

” I am a Jew whose parents lost their famialies in the Holocaust.  I grew up in Israel among Holocaust survivors.  Since I was a child, I have read every book I could find on Nazi Germany.  I have tried to understand why and how the Germans came to carry out their plan for exterminating the Jews.

I have read all of Mr. Irving’s excellent books.  He is no apologist for Adolf Hitler.  His words record the exterminbation of the Jews and provide evidence of Hitler’s direct involvement.  Mr. Irving is not anti semite, nor is he a supporter of Hitler or Nazi Germany.  His books more then any others I have read, help explain what happen in Germany.

If we are to prevent future exterminations, we have to eradicate hate.  The process musst start with free speech anad the ability to discuss openly all aspects of history and express all viewpoints.  Mr Irving through his writing has mnade a larege contribution towward preventing future Holocausts.”

White Nationalists like to deny that the Holocaust happen and make excuses of why it was ok for Nazi Germany to treat Jews the way they did.  I have listen the the proof that they say proves that the muirder of 6 milllion Jews didn’t happen.

Though if one is researching this topic with an open mind and heart, they have to come to the conclusion that the Holocaust happen.  The reports of the  mass shootings in the beginning to the mass gassings after 1941 did happen.  The accounts from many different sources of how the Jewish people were treated and imurdered can’t be denied.  There are pictures and films taken by Nazis themselves who did the killing.  I am not going to decribe the gory details.  The truth is that the Holoacust did haqppen,.

Not all German soldiers supported this as I have read an acccount about a German soldier helping Jews escape, and when it was found out that he had saved lives instead of take the lives of Jews, waas murdered.  Catholic priests who spoke out were sennt to concentration camps where they died.  

Growing up I thought I was 1/8 German as my great grandfather on my mother’s side was from Germany.  My mom just assumed we were German.  I looked at the Holocaust from the perspective of a German.  I admired Germans like Bonhoeffer who was a Luthern Pastor who died at the hands of the Nazi’s.  I have used his quote that those who remain silent in times of evil are part of the evil, as a cornerstone of why I fight the way I do.

Now in 2014 because of the wonder of DNA testsing, I now know I have zero German blood flowing in my veins but am 1% European Jew.  I now have to look at things from the perspective that if I was alive during Hitler’s Germany I would have been rounded up because of that Jewish blood running through my veins.  To some White Natitonalists that one drop of Jewish blood makes me a Jew.

Am i Jewish?  I guess that is a question I will be searching.  

Can one still be Jewish and believe in Christ?  

I don’t know much about the Jewish faith or culture as I didn’t know I was 1% Eurpean Jew before.

I am goiong to learn because it is part of who I am.  It is in my DNA as much as my British/Irish DNA.  It may only be 1% of my DNA but there is enough there to show up on my DNA test through ancestory.com.

I know God has a purpose and plan for my life.  There is a reason that he waited until this years to reveal to me my Jewish side.  There is a reason why I believed the White Nationalist LIES.  God will weave everything together for the greater good.  I just have to trust in God.  He is working and I feel God’s hand upon me.

going to watch the Games as speed skating is on now.

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving

Had a good day with extended family.  We watched football and had a wonderful dinner.

I have always loved this time of year.

I feel sad when I see stores open on Thanksgiving and force people to work on the holiday. Everything is so commercial now. It seems like people only care about buying more stuff on sale, then spending the day with family and friends.

Even here in Salina we had stores open and the mindset was on material things and not the true meaning of Thanksgiving. Those who read my blog know I am related to Sarah Buell Hale, who was considered the mother of Thanksgiving because she spent a lot of time and energy pushing for Thanksgiving to be a National Holiday with President Lincoln and other people in Government.

I think as a nation we loose when we put buying more stuff before taking the day off from work and enjoying the day with family and friends who because they live far away you only see each other at Thanksgiving and Christmas.

I think as a nation we loose when we forget the reason we honor a National Holiday and that day becomes just another shopping day, and people fight each other to save a few dollars.

I think as a nation we loose when we can even remember the true reason for Thanksgiving. It wasn’t to be the first one in the store, but to remember and give Thanks for the blessings given us.

For me I am Thankful that for my books and all the other tools I use to learn and gain knowledge. I have always been self taught, as I didn’t do well in school. They didn’t understand me and misjudged and label me falsely and lied about me. Thomas Edison also was one who didn’t do well in school. Maybe us creative children who don’t fit in the square peg like all the other children because we are round, have always and will suffer in schools by the hands of teachers who don’t understand or want to understand the child they are teaching and working with.

For me the biggest betrayal by the American school system was when I went to the office to report a fellow student holding a knife to my throat and dragging me into the bushes, and they said I deserved it and refused to call the police. I walked out and told them I would never come back to school again. They said I was to young to drop out and I said just watch me as I walked out the door.

My father didn’t force me to go back to school. They made special arrangements and I was allowed to take and get my GED a few years early.

I love to read and knew that just because I wasn’t in the school building doesn’t mean I stop educating myself. If their was a subject I wanted to learn about read about it. So I love and am grateful for books. I like real books that I can hold and put in my library to read again and again. Online books I worry that I could loose them if you loose or break the device.

The Internet can be a great learning tool too.

Visiting Historical sites is also a great leaning tool that I have used in my own life.

I think it is important that each one of us make the choice to not be part of this Black Friday or shopping on Thanksgiving madness.

1 March 2013

This is a picture taken on Cape Cod, MA. My dad and I made happy memories there.

Good morning, getting ready to leave for New Mexico for the weekend.  Hope everyone has a great day.

Group was good yesterday.  Helen said that it says alot what you can’t write or talk about in regards to journaling, so we will look into why I have a block in regards to my family, when I start the one on one with her at the end of March. 

We drew a vision board yesterday of what we would like to be in five years.  With all assignments of this nature, I always picture myself back home in the Boston area.  I miss Massachusetts and want to go home so very much.  One of my biggest fears is that I will never get to see New England again while I am alive.  My wish is to be buried in Lynn, MA next to my dad.

Then we made signs for the March tonight against violence.  Made two signs.  In all my years of protest, I have learned to make signs with a simple message that can be used as good slogans.  Keep it simple and not long. 

Mine were:

It shouldn’t hurt being a child

Stop Child Sexual Abuse

I told them I would be there with them in spirit and sign, lol.

I had a nice dream of J last night.  The beginning of the night I was kicking and fighting and talking in my sleep.  I do that sometimes.  Then I was dreaming of J and was relaxed and happy.  It is always the same dream of him finally coming to talk to me.  Being able to tell him what I need to say and him really listening..  We work things out and he joins the fight against White Nationalism and together we make a difference for good against the evil.  He always is my hero in my dreams…

Need to get going.

Chrisy

 

28 Feb 2013

First I would like to wish my birthday brother who was born within a week of me and the same year a Happy Birthday.  He is dead now, but I always remember his Birthday.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MjF1bG5LUcs

I am celebrating my brithday this weekend too, that is why I am going to New Mexico to be with friends.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4p5yzdCa2GE

George Harrison had a birthday this week too.

Still haven’t been able to do my journal assignment for my survior’s group.  It is about family and emotionally I have come to a block.  Since I am going to be starting to see the leader of the childhood sexual survivor’s group one on one at the beginning of April, she can help me become unstuck and help me sort out my feelings about my family. 

How do I write about my big brother who never wanted a brother/sister relationship with me, so it always leads to getting my heart broken when I try to develop a relationship with him?

How do I write about my parents who lied to me about having a big brother and lied about me to neighbors?  I am a very sensitive and knew deep down inside I had a brother and when I talked about my big brother they said I was lying.  Then at 12 I come home from school and there is my big brother sitting on the sofa, you know the one they told me I was lying about.  Parents don’t lie to your children or about your children to save your face….  It leaves an emotional scare on your children that is very deep and lasting.

How do I write about my mother?  John, my mother was not a Liberal.  Think Artie Bunker and that is my mother.  I know you are to young to remember All in the family, but I am sure you can find it on dvd or re-runs.  I am more like the meat head, and so my mother and I were like oil/water and didn’t mix for long.  We were always fighting.  I loved her, I just didn’t like the way she treated my sister and I sometimes.  My sister had a different relationship with my mother then I did.  People are different and no two people are the same or have the same relationship with someone in the family.

Maybe I will turn this in as my journal assignment, as Helen reads them anyway, and we can sort out my feelings regarding my family.

We have the real estate agent coming today to take pictures of the house.  So I need to get going.

 

 

23 Feb 2013

Good morning. Have a lot to do again today.  Going to spend a little time on my journal assignment this week for childhood sexual survivors group.  The topic this week is your family now.  This is going to be a hard one for me to write so I will just start on it today and start thinking about some of the questions so as to get some of my feelings up to the surface so later on I can start writing the journal homework.

This is not an easy group to go through, but I would encourage anyone who was sexually raped and abused as a child to take the first step toward healing.  I still have a long way to go, but I hope this journal will help you decide to get help for the PTSD.  You don’t have to suffer in silence anymore.

first question they want us to think about is what is satisfactory for you in relating to your family of orign now?

Being that my mother just died and my father died many years ago, the only ones left in my family of orgin is my sister, brother, and nephew.  Even though I have a brother in FL,  he wasn’t part of the family until I was 12 and he was married and had two children and on his way to Viet Nam.

I would like to develop a solid relationship with him as I always wanted a big brother to protect me.  Because of how things were with him and our dad it was very difficult for us to form that deep love and special bond we would have had if we had been together from the very beginning.

My sister and I share the same mom and we are real sisters because we have been together since the beginning.

So the Satisfactory part of the orginal family is the relationship I have with my sister and nephew.

2nd question and last question for right now is what is irritating, infuriating,frightening, painful?

My mother was a big part of that as I was emotionally and verbally abused by her.  She loved me, but she didn’t like me or the people and things I loved. There was always a battle between us.  We were like oil/water and didn’t mix for long periods of time.  I loved her, but I didn’t like the way she treated me.

I always try to be a voice of reason, but once my mother believed something to be true, their was no showing her, that she was wrong to think that way about people or events.

I also have pain regarding my brother in FL, as time and time I give him my heart and try to develop a real brother/sister relationship only to get my heart broken time and time again, when it doesn’t really happen.  I know that I could have my heart broken once again if I go and see him, but I love him inspite of everything.  Why is it when someone enters my heart that I love them forever unconditionally no matter what they do?

Because their dad and I have no real relationship, I don’t have a real relationship with my brother’s two children.

I need to stop for now, as I am feeling emotional and a total failure.

I also feel STUPID for never giving up on someone, once I love them.  That my unconditional love for others leads me to always welcome them with open arms, no matter what pain they cause me.

Some people love very deeply and forever.  I am one of those people. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EivR78mrRFE

Start out with a little Eric Clapton

Would love to be able to go to his concert in New York City.  Going to be a great event.

 

17 Feb 2013

This is my dad when he was boy living in Boston.

Good morning.  Had thought about trying church again, but don’t think I will this morning.  I know there isn’t a Catholic Church here that I like or want to go to, and I am not sure if going to a non Catholic church is the right thing for me either.  In the past when I ventured away from the Catholic Church because I wasn’t be fed in my home church, it led to disaster.  That led me to getting involved with Jeff and the Christian Patriot Movement and CI.

I may try and pray my rosary today as it would be spiritual and reflecting on spiritual teaching, even if I don’t go to mass.

Also been thinking of what I want to do now.. My heart is in Boston and always will be.  It has always loved New England even as a kid and my dad took me back for my first trip back to Boston and Cape Cod.  We had gone to Washington DC first and I said it was nice there, and he said wait until you see Massachusetts as nothing compares to the beauty of New England, and he was right.

Before I make any decisions of where I want to go, I need to take a trip home to Boston and visit and put flowers on my dad and grandparents graves in Lynn.  I need to visit Cape Cod and just reflect on what is best for me and what I want.  Hopefully, the two will go hand in hand.

I am not sure in my heart that Hawaii is the best fit for me.  I love my family very much.  That would be great to be near them, but at the same time I am not sure if I want endless Summer all year around.  One of the things I love about New England and Boston is the four seasons.  I love every season.  I love the History and the old houses.  I love being in the country and riding my horse…

I love my Boston teams and in my memorial scrapbook I made of my mom’s life, I put a picture of us when everyone visited me at Christmas time that was taken when I took everyone to see the US Constitution at the Boston Naval yard, where my grandfather worked. My dad had taken me there many years before when we had spent time in Boston. I had given my nephew a Boston Red Sox jacket as at that time he was collecting baseball cards.  Even as a baby I would sit him on my lap and watch Boston Red Sox games with him.  Hawaii doesn’t have my Red Sox.  I hope we have a good year this year.  Boston has some of the best fans as we are loyal year after year to our Red Sox.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gFI0lxsjTjo&feature=related

Who says I can’t go home to Boston?

 

 

I want to thank my hero for planting his seed in me when I was a child

In answering the first two questions by John on why I fight White Nationalism and why I think White Nationalism is evil, I realize that it is in large part to one of my heroes who planted his seed in me between the ages of 5 and 10, when he was alive in this world.

Thank you for planting your seed in me and that the seed growing inside me led to me becoming a woman who fights against the evils in this world.

Your courage, strength, wisdom, honesty, and moral character encouraged and inspired me to fight the battles that I have always fought in this world.

I love you as my hero and always will, as I believe in my heart that you loved and cared about children and you would have taken the side of us children who were sexual abused and fought for there to be very strong LAWS in THE UNITED STATES to PROTECT US CHILDREN FROM SEXUAL ABUSE AND ALL ABUSE, and you would have gone after the bad guys and not blame the child…

He would have been on our side and helped us..

Chrisy

16 Feb 2013

Happy Saturday.

Yesterday to prepare for this journal assignment this week I made a scrapbook for my mother as a memoral to her.  I don’t cry and haven’t cried since she died.  Maybe making this scrapbook for her life is a way for me to deal with her death?

I was asked Thursday in group how I felt about my mother dying in the middle of group… I feel sad, because I had hoped that at some point she and I could have gone together and worked out our issues and finally have a really good relationship as mother and daughter and not always be like oil/water that don’t really mix well together because she didn’t like me or the things that I liked and thought important.  My mother and I loved each other and I know she loved me as I loved her, but we would fight like cats and dogs because we had a different view of things. 

She would dig and dig and dig at me, until finally I would explode..  She would call be stupid alot.  She hated with a passion the man who I love uncondtionally as my friend, and abused me over him, even though I hadn’t seen him in many years.  That last time she abused me over him was a few years ago when he was on tv defending himself.  She called me into her room and asked me what I thought of him.. First she wanted to know how I thought he looked and I said he looked good to me.  You have to remember I look at this person through the love of friendship so he can be 90 years old and he will still look good to me.  She went on and on about how terrible she thought he had aged.. Then she asked me what I thought about what he was saying.  I told the truth and said he is right and is making very valid points.  You can imagine what her response was to me defending my friend again and taking her wrath upon me for him…

Now that she is gone, I will never be abused by her for my friendship with this man ever again.  Over the years those of you who read my blog know that I have been seeking to make peace between us and to clear up all the misunderstanding and lies we both have been told and believed about each other.  I had kept that a secret from her and now I don’t have to worry about her abusing him if he ever did pop in to talk to me.  She isn’t here anymore to abuse either of us because of our friendship.

Yes, the little girl has anger toward my mother, but I also love my mother very much.  Love and anger go hand in hand as you get angry because those you love hurt you.  The school was wrong to tell my mother that I hated her because I was angry with her. She never let me forget that either.  I have a hard time trusting authority because of how the schools treated me…

Need some music now, before I start writing my journal assignment for this week.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hjCoBTzrN9E

In the mood for a little Billy Joe

I love my friend, just the way he is, faults and all.  That is what uncondtional love of a friend is.  To know that person and still love them anyway.. To not what to change them because you love the whole person…  Hopefully, we will find someone who can love us the same way in return…

Doesn’t everyone dream of loving and being loved?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a_XgQhMPeEQ

Great song!!

My journal writing for this week:

Dear inner child,

This letter is very hard for me to write you, as I don’t like dealing with your emotional pain and anger.  You are justified for feeling that way you do, because you were made to suffer in this life.  You were the innocent victim and yet you were the one who suffered and lived in prison for all these years.  Yes, you and I have lived in an emotional prision because of the PTSD and have suffered the physical effects of the PTSD.

I understand your anger of feeling like you are the one on trial as you were the one judged and people threw their stones of terrible words at lies to you and about you…  You were and I am telling the truth, but we were told we are lying and others were told you and I was a pathological liar.  And that we were crazy as the child sexual abuse didn’t happen to us, when it did.  The Gardener and Mike Strassburger were allowed to make our life a living hell in childhoood.  While they were free and allowed to live their lives, we were judged and lied about…  Yes, there is a lot of  valid anger inside of you.  I still am angry…. So we were connected that way, in that we are both still angry of how we were treated as the criminal when we were the victim of the crime.

I think part of the frustration you feel is not being able to make sense out of the hell you have lived through in this life.  I am working toward making that hell mean somthing and to work to make sure that children today never have to go through and live through the hell that we went through. 

One thing that I know you don’t understand is why no one helped you.  It has taken me many years to come to terms with the fact that there were no child abuse Laws in the United States until 1973.  Even if people wanted to help us, they couldn’t.  That is why we have children born before 1973 who now as adults are having to seek treatment for the child sexual abuse and other abuse they received as children.

I am working to find my voice.  I know we write better then speak so that is why I picked my friend to be our hero and to be our voice with the world.  He is a poweful speaker and he will make people see and understand that it is not the child who is to blame, and it is morally wrong to punish the child and make them suffer a life time of hell.  He can also help me to develop my speaking ability so that maybe someday I can publically speak at an event like the night against violence in Phoenix and around the country, which child sexual abuse and rape is part of the reason they are holding this event.

I will talk to him because I know him in real life as my friend.  I thought that he wouldn’t judge me as I don’t judge him.  I thought that he would value me as a friend as I love and value him.  That he would see my heart of gold and know that I am a true and loyal friend who would never do anything on purpose to hurt him or bring dishonor on him.  I thought I could trust him to be my wing person as I am his wing person, and that we would be a safe harbor in the storm for each other.  That no matter what rough seas we faced in the world, that together we would be the safe place to go to.  Don’t worry, I am not giving up on him or the hope that there will be a real and lasting peace between us and we move forward to embrace our destiny that we were born for.

Yes I believe that this person and I were born to fight against evil in this world.  Child sexual abuse and White Nationalism are two of the evils we were born to fight against.  Those are the two from my side, and I am sure he has some Causes that are important to fight for that he brings from his side, and together we form the powerful force for good to overcome the evil that we are fighting for.

I want to end by saying I will work on overcoming the eating disorder and not using food as a way to protect myself…. 

It is not your fault, inspite of what the adults and school told you.  They are the ones who are in the wrong for blaming you. 

———————————————————-

Glad that is over.

 

 

12 Feb 2013

This cottage is in Salina Kansas and I have always loved this home. I would love to find something small and cozy that has character and charm.

Yesterday I spent 4 hours in the dentist chair and I still feel like someone is still drilling…

Today I am supposed to pick up my mother’s ashes, but I will see if the pain in my mouth subsides.  If not then I will wait until tomorrow.

Don’t know where I am going to move to yet.  Been looking at homefinders.

I know I what some place small and cozy.  2 bedrooms so I can rent out one of the rooms, so I don’t have to live alone.  So glad I have my little Benji.  Want a place in the country near horses.  As I love horses and plan to start riding again for health reasons.  It is the only sport I am really good at.

Got a card from one of my mother’s NSDAR friends.  My mother was great at sports and loved golf.  She was also a great bridge player.  My mother was competitive.

I am competitive in my own way.  I love to race horses, cars, and win at games.  I love to play backgammon, uno, and other board and card games.  My dad wasn’t good at sports either and I take after him.  His one sport was sailling.  Mine is horses.

I am sure they have more rural parts of Ohau and one doesn’t have to live in Honolulu or other cities with lots of people around.  I don’t really like cities and never have.  I love the country with horses and trees, and nature.

I am looking for a small townhouse that has character that is pet friendly.

I haven’t given up moving back to Kansas or New England.  I like the Northwest too and Washington might be nice.  If I can find what I what at a good price, then start building equity, then in a few years I might move to Hawaii at some point.  Don’t know if they have what I am looking for in Hawaii.  Small townhouse in the country near horses or small cottage with a set up for horses on the property with a few stalls that I can use for my own horse and rent the other stall out to someone else for income.

I am not finished with the therapy yet, so I might stay in AZ for a little while longer until I finish.. I have finally found a program that is working with me, and I don’t want to take a chance in moving and then not find a program that works for me in the new place.  These people understand me and understand what works on me.  So I might stay here for another year before moving to Hawaii.

People tell me I shouldn’t move anywhere for 3 to 6 months, which seems very smart to me.

Another thing that is a con for me in moving to Hawaii is I would have to sell most of my things.  I don’t want to sell the things that my dad built, my mattress is brand new and I like my mother’s old headboard.  I have furniture that has been in the family for many years that I want to keep.  I have my paintings that I want to keep as I love art and I picked out each one and some I picked out with my mother…

  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rtOvBOTyX00

I love this song.  I have heard it played on the radio the last couple of days when I needed to hear it.  Someday, the right man will come into my life, who will see the truth about me and will love me uncondtionally inspite of the emotional problems caused by abuse and trauma, who will see the best in me and not the worst.  Who will value that I love him uncondtionally, as he is.. Who will be happy that I only see the best in him and overlook the worst.  We all have good and bad inside of us… That is what makes us human. 

Yet, if we love someone uncondtionally we accept them as they are and don’t try to change them, because we are unhappy with certain qualities in them. Yet, if you are unhappy, it makes me wonder if you picked that person for who he is and you would still love him uncondtionally if he was poor and you had to live in a studio apt, or if you love him for the dream of what you think he should be. That is why I don’t understand these girls/women who say they love someone, but seek to change that person from the very onset of the relationship? They nag and nag and nag at the man for being who he is. At least I don’t nag at a man, as whoever it is I fall in love with, I will love uncondtionally and forever and I hope he will feel the same way about me.

Well, I will try and write later.

Love
Chrisy