Decisions don’t divide people, it’s what people do with decisions that causes or prevents division.
The above quote was in an email from the old church in SC that I used to attend. I found it very interesting.
I think there is some truth to that statement that decisions don’t divide people it what we do with the decisions that causes or prevents division. I would be the first one to admit that there have been some decisions that I haven’t handled very well, and most likely have made the situation worst.
I am sorting through my life experiences right now and trying to get rid of the emotional baggage from my past. If I was in a 12 Step program I would be taking inventory of my life and trying to decide what I should keep in my life, get rid of in my life, forgive those who have hurt me and ask forgiveness to those I have hurt. I want to try and find peace so that I can move forward.
One of the things that I am having a hard time forgiving and forgetting is the Olives who lied about me and to me. Back then people believed the lies about me that they told, when they didn’t know anything about me or my father, yet they acted like they knew all about us for years. True my dad when to school with Mr. Olive but there was at least 30 years where they had very little contact. I know when I was growing up in CA that they never came to visit. Other friends of my dad came from MA but they never visited.
I will never forget the day that Kitty Olive told me that I had not been raped by the gardener when we lived in Saratoga because my dad didn’t tell them about it so that he didn’t believe me. My dad was dead, but when he was alive he acted as he believed me. They were not there, but I was there and it really did happen. Tell me what dad is going to tell someone who he barely knows that his daughter was raped. Is that good table conversatioin? Yet, I know it happen, but I was not believed.
Kitty Olive was the one that told my mother the lie that caused her to abused me that Summer. Another one of Kitty’s lies was believed and yet again I was made out to be this evil person who lies and is loony. I remember asking Terry if I was loony and he said I was more into reality than other people.
I have a very hard time forgiving Kitty Olive and forgetting all the mean and hurtful things she did or cause to happen to me.
I remember the first time I met them was in the Summer of 1975. I was 17. I don’t think Kitty liked me even then. I remember she was saying I have a nephew your age would you like to meet some young people and hang out on the Cape with some young people. I said yes, and then she would say that she didn’t want me to meet or hang out with her nephew or his friends because they were a bad influence. So she holds out the promise I could have some real fun with people my own age, but she snatches it away by refusing to do what she had suggestted. So I spent the whole holiday with the old folks.
They would say one thing to me and then to someone else they would say the opposite to make me look bad. I often wonder if they got great joy in watching the abuse I received that Summer from my mom because of Kitty’s little nasty rumor and lie she told my mother. Knowing that my mother would never ask for such a thing as proof, but just take the rumor and lie and run with it.
I thought that I would try again to try and reconcile and come to peace about that time in my life, because I need to forgive. I feel like again Kitty Olive and her lies have won and once again people only see what Kitty has told them and not the truth.
Sometimes I want to die and I guess I am feeling that right now in my life. What is the point of even living because no one will ever see the truth and all my life will be the same as my past that everyone believes the worst and the Olives win.
I thought about that to day getting a gun and putting it in my mouth and pulling the trigger, but I can’t because I am a Catholic and it is a sin. But it gets so frustrating because I know and Jesus knows that truth, but the world believes the lies of Kitty Olive that I was never abused or raped. There is not justice and people don’t want to know the truth. They would much rather just believe what someone else has told them instead of taking the time and talking to me and hearing the truth. I wouldn’t lie about that. I wouldn’t never lie looking into someone’s eyes.
I don’t know if I will ever be able to forgive and forget what Kitty Olive did and caused to happen to me in this life. I don’t know if I can forgive and forget the way she made me doubt that my father loved me because she told me he didn’t believe me about being raped. Either I am the biggest fool alive because my father said he believed me and I thought he loved me or Kitty lied when she said my father never believed me and thought I was scum. He was dead so how could I ask him what he really felt about me. I always loved him and no matter where I was in the world or where he was in the world we talked everyday and I always told him I loved him. I thought he loved me too, but to Kitty Olive he didn’t. That was very hurtful and cruel what she did.
What do I do now? I guess I have to accept that Kitty Olive has won again and she will always win because the parties involved that Summer do not want to know the truth. IN their minds they already know the truth without even talking to me. Yet Kitty Olive lied and wouldn’t know the truth if it bit her on the face.
Last time this happen I ran off with Jeff and became CI/WN. Even though Jeff was very abusive to me the people I met through SF were not. They were supportive and compassionate. I actually met some nice people who didn’t judge me for my past, but actually were a friend to me when I needed one.
This time I hope I choose to deal with the decisions in a more productive way. I know one thing I will not approch the other people involved and try with a pure heart to work towards doing the right thing and just telling each other the truth. It will be on their heads and they will have to make the next move. I feel stupid that I believed that truth would come out in the end. It won’t because the lies are stronger than the truth.
I get back to do I end my life? I feel like I am nothing that no one sees me, hears me or cares about me. Why was I born if my life is just to be misjudged, lied about, thought badly of, and misunderstood. Why do the bad people like the Olives always win?
I won’t kill myself because it is a sin. I am not a coward. But I am nothing and will always be nothing. I know one thing I look forward to the day I die. Because then I will be with Jesus who knows the truth of what really happen and the truth will be told and the lies of the Olives exposed. Maybe then they will know what it feels like to know the hurt of what their lies caused me.
I thank my two friends out there who know me, see me and love me. One even sent me a post card that really cheered me up today.
Yep, Kitty Olive won again and once again the truth lost out to their lies. I just think I might give up and not even try anymore.
So yes, decisions and how we act because of the decisions people make about us can cause division, pain, hurt, and even sorrow. I think it is like a chain reaction. It just builds from there. and finally there isn’t anything one can do to stop the rumors and lies told about you. Did you ever play the game telephone. One person tells the person next to them something and by the time it reaches the end of the line and back to the orginal person it is totally different than what the orginal sentence was. That is what happen to me. People would rather believe the lie, half truth, and rumors that Kitty Olive started than to ask me what the truth is.
It broke my heart last time and it broke my heart again. I accept that nothing will ever change and the Kitty Olive’s in the world will always win and I will always be the one who gets the short end of the stick.
This is one of the things that I am trying to sort out in my mind so I can move on. I don’t know if I will ever be able to forgive Kitty Olive for what she did, said, and caused my mother to do to me that Summer.
That was the Summer of HELL and I thought I could forgive the neighbors who stood by and didn’t lend a helping hand that Summer when I asked them too. Who said it wasn’t there problem without asking one single question of what was wrong. I thought I had forgiven them. They didn’t start the rumor and lies after all, they just listened to them and believed them without even talking to me and asking me if they were truth. I didn’t believe the lies that were told about them. I asked for proof to be shown me. The Olives couldn’t show any proof. I defended them which only made things worst for me with my mom. I was waiting until I could ask them if what the Olives had said was true. That is what true friends do for each other. They didn’t do that for me so I have to accept the fact that they were never my true friends, even though we spent time riding our horses together. I was a fool to think that they would give me the same courtesty as I gave them.
They chose to believe the lies instead of talking to me and asking me directly. I guess they don’t know that it is best if you do your own research and not count on others who tell you about things. We get back to the game telephone again. They were foolish too.
So where do I go from here. Do I continue to pray that God will let me die. I don’t want to kill myself because it is a sin, but I Pray that God will take me and I will die.
Do I continue to try and work through my past and try to seek a better life? Do I keep on fighting to loose the weight. I have lost 13 pounds in May and working to get back to 125 that I used to be years ago. Do I try and heal from all the pain and emotional scares I have?
I don’t know what I am going to do. I just feel that I will never win and Kitty Olive who is the true WITCH is always going to win and I am always going to be the one who everyone believes the worst about and doesn’t see the real me. They only see the lies, half-truth, and rumors that people have told others about me.
Hopefully, God will take me soon and I will finally find some peace. I look forward to death.