I am starting to let my feeling out and deal with them as they come to the surface and not stuff them down with food. So I am writing in my journal instead of eating.
In AZ they encouraged me to face the feelings. What am I feeling that brings a tear to my eye? I don’t cry so crying for me is a tear drop, which I have learned to stop the tears from falling. This morning I am feeling the fear that I will never see my beloved Boston and New England again. I have not been home since 1990.
I feel stuck here. I love the country and KS, but a part of me has always felt out of place. That there is something different in me, that makes it hard for me to be the Christian that society wants me to be. I blossom more when I follow my Wicca and the old Celtic paths. I was born with gifts, that Christians think is of the devil. I know what it is like to be called a witch and told someday you will be burned at the stake because God says to burn witches. Christianity is all about you are evil and if you do that, you are going to hell. The old Celtic paths are about positive affirmations, healing, love, becoming the person you can be, and making a difference for good on the planet.
I didn’t find compassion and understanding from so called fellow Catholics in MA. In fact I found harsh judgment, being lied about, and refusal to talk to Terry McGovern who was a licensed Social worker in MA many years ago who said he would testify in court I was not crazy, but have PTSD and needed to be treated for the stress of having to live in the environment I was being forced to live in. No one would even talk to him or us, to hear the true situation. Yes I am angry at the Catholic Church and felt betrayed by sister Ignaisus and other priests, so Catholics are not any better then Christians who are not Catholic.
Yet, even as a girl I loved and made New England my safe place. I hope someday I will feel safe to live there again. I miss the Atlantic. The Pacific is not the same.
I do have anger that I am working through.
I have made great progress and continue to each day. Even writing this entry instead of eating is an example of the growth and healing.
A lot of people do out understand that healing takes time. That before I am totally healed,that I have to face my shadows and fears, and that means going back to Boston and facing and releasing the hurt, anger, and pain of what happen to me there.
I am not going to be held back because I am emotionally stuck in the past. I am not a little girl anymore who is unprotected and bad men can take advantage and have their way with me, because no one cares enough to help me stop it. I can mother myself the way I should have been mothered as a child.
I will continue to be that ant that climbs the rubber tree plant inch by inch. Learning to accept who I am and not having to pretend I am someone else, because Wicca and the Pagan faith is considered evil and of the devil, is a step forward too, I think.
I do feel better after letting my feelings out in my journey.