It feels good to be where I amat emotionally

July 23, 2014

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I am beginning the final stage of my healing. All that I learned in therapy in AZ and my working everything out as I was shown, is really starting to show effects. I am starting to bloom into a beautiful flower.

I am really looking forward to Samhain. Going to try an go to the Ball I have dreamed of going with my friend as it is the beginning of the new year in Wicca. So what better time to start new and to show the world the healthy us, as we both are overcoming our own struggles.

It feels good being under 200 lbs again. I will make it as I confront my shadows and fears. One day at a time and one inch at a time.

Well time to make dinner.

Having a productive day

July 19, 2014

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Myrna came over for a reading. I am ready to read people and charge for it. She likes to make jewelry she can sell and we start a business to add to our income. Things are really tight for both of us.

I am letting the emotions flow now, which was a goal. It is a good thing, in the long run.i keep writing them down and releasing and healing the mind, body, and spirit.

I am free to study any subject I want now, and not be told it is evil and of the devil. Wicca does not believe in the devil. It builds me up and not tear me down like the Christian faith did. Wicca is an earth based religion that believes in protecting the earth for future generations.

Listening to music and just relaxing.

My heart wants to help someone

July 18, 2014

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Got a call last night from a friend who has medical issues and has no insurance and is in between jobs so I said if it isn’t to expensive I would help out so she can get treatment. I am on a limited budget and I have no insurance as KS didn’t expand to allow people like me any help. Great Government we have, who lacks any compassion for the people.

I am working through and releasing all the emotional wounds. A deep one has come out of feeling invisible, no one wanting to hear what I have to say, so why speak, and no one cared enough in Marshfield to help me, by giving me a safe place to hide and heal. I thought I had true friends in Marshfield only to find they didn’t give a damn about abused women and children trapped in White Nationalist HELL!

Why should I ever trust Democrats or Republicans ever again?

I am moving forward with the help of Wicca. Finally am free to develop my Wiccan side. Wicca is more accepted in the UK, I think more British than American, and I like British men, so I have not given up my dream of getting my British Passport, that I have had since 1972 under Nixon.

I asked my Goddess the Morrigan to bring much needed resources to my fight against White Nationalism. When you have no resources you can’t do anything to help yourself or others. I can offer support in other areas,but providing the resources needed in the fight must come from a brave man who has the courage to fight the bad guys and brave enough to get involved.all my life people have known the truth but done nothing because they didn’t want to be involved in a fight. Put yourselves in my shoes, how would you feel if you were telling the truth and had the courage to come forward and talk, and you are left alone in your jail and instead of aiding in your gaining freedom, they take the side if not in an active way, but by doing nothing and allowing other to abuse, kept me from success.

My carrot is to be able to go to the Witches ball this year and feel really beautiful again. I want to buy a new gown for the ball.

I have made so much improvement in getting in touch with my emotions. When I started therapy in AZ I didn’t allow myself to feel, now as they come up I am finally able to put a words my feeling and release it by writing it down on my online journal and exercise. When I do start to eat I find out what I am feeling and accept it and release it.

Fate will set things right. The right guy for me will come into my life and he will want to help this lady in distress.

I have stopped eating

July 15, 2014

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I have dealt with the emotions that were triggered this weekend. Writing them down and releasing them, instead of stuffing them down with food. I am making progress, as I am slowly working through the process of what I learned in therapy in AZ.

I am at the stage of my weight loss where I self destruct, because of fear. The bees start buzzing around this flower, and they like me but I don’t like them in a romantic way. To protect myself I gain weight so I am not desirable to men. I broke that pattern and I am working through my feeling and allowing Wicca to change me for the better.

Some emotions that surfaced this weekend are, guilt, feeling ashamed, regret, worry, and feeling misjudged and misunderstood. I am working through them and allowing my life to be changed for the better. Wicca has been very healing for me.

Waiting for the landlord still to come and replace the a/c.

I found another trigger

July 14, 2014

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Today I have been eating. It started at the beginning of the weekend when I realized Marshfield is a trigger and faced that. Today still eating and tonight another trigger is guilt.

So now I am writing my feelings out in my journal, so I will stop eating tonight. I am learning to deal with the emotions as they come up. Am slowly working my way through the process of healing my body, mind, and spirit.

Anyway, just keep taking one step at a time.

I have a date tonight

July 12, 2014

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I am meeting Ed tonight for the first time. I don’t have the butterflies that one should have when being with the right person. You know the one you can just be with and look into each other’s eyes and just smile, without having to say a word. I have had that before. I am very shy so I think going out to dinner with a guy may be good in helping me come out of my turtle shell.

I am doing very good and am getting better everyday. I know that the process takes time and so I just take it one step at a time.

Will I ever be able to trust Dems again?

July 9, 2014

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I was reading on another site about Dems in the Senate that say they will fight for woman. Yet I not believe it, because in my real life, the Dems took the side of the abuser and when I asked for help in a real life situation was told ” it isn’t my problem” without one question being asked. In my mind refusing much need help and aide is to take the side of the abuser.

I have forgiven this person many years ago, and take the blame for our communication failure, because I have a hard time talking. I tried to leave signs, hoping that he would come and talk to me and ask me questions so he could start making me feel comfortable opening up and trusting him with details and knowledge he needed to fight the bad people.

Yet, because this person has yet to face me and earn my respect by making things right between us, I know in my mind that Dems talk the talk,but do not walk the walk. I can’t support or vote for a political party that ignores the cries of abused women and children. If Dems don’t have the courage or the will to fight the battle that needs to be fought, then they don’t deserve my vote or support.

I am going to help the Green Party because I trust them more then Dems to stand up and fight for the good of the people and the environment.

I left the Republican Party and know that they have even less honor then the Dems.

I know I may be in denial, but I keep telling myself, that someday the truth will come out, and fate will set things right. Honest mistakes happen. He didn’t understand what was really going on, or he would have given me a safe place to hide from my mother and want to learn and see the Political side of White Nationalist America.

Now I see him as the son of, or the father of. I have always wanted him to be known in his own right as the man who had the courage to be a true Celtic Warrior and was the voice for women and children trapped in White Nationalist HELL! He can do so much more then just run an oil company. I see him in a rut and giving up and settling. Where is his passion I loved about him? It has been sucked all out of him, and I don’t know how to make him see the truth, that we need him to pick up the sword and join forces and fight for the moral imperatives we were taught in our youth, in the 60′s.

I have lost 30 pounds so far, and that is just the beginning. I am slowly working my way through the process I started in therapy in AZ. Know Wicca and the Pagan path is the right one for me. It is positive and not being used as a tool like Christianity to keep me chained to a man who view women as slaves to men with no human rights. I was always told how evil I was for wanting a better life.

I have more trust and respect for the British Government then American. If my old friend wants to change that perception then he needs to arrange for us to come together and set things right.

My emotions are flowing this morning

July 8, 2014

I am starting to let my feeling out and deal with them as they come to the surface and not stuff them down with food. So I am writing in my journal instead of eating.

In AZ they encouraged me to face the feelings. What am I feeling that brings a tear to my eye? I don’t cry so crying for me is a tear drop, which I have learned to stop the tears from falling. This morning I am feeling the fear that I will never see my beloved Boston and New England again. I have not been home since 1990.

I feel stuck here. I love the country and KS, but a part of me has always felt out of place. That there is something different in me, that makes it hard for me to be the Christian that society wants me to be. I blossom more when I follow my Wicca and the old Celtic paths. I was born with gifts, that Christians think is of the devil. I know what it is like to be called a witch and told someday you will be burned at the stake because God says to burn witches. Christianity is all about you are evil and if you do that, you are going to hell. The old Celtic paths are about positive affirmations, healing, love, becoming the person you can be, and making a difference for good on the planet.

I didn’t find compassion and understanding from so called fellow Catholics in MA. In fact I found harsh judgment, being lied about, and refusal to talk to Terry McGovern who was a licensed Social worker in MA many years ago who said he would testify in court I was not crazy, but have PTSD and needed to be treated for the stress of having to live in the environment I was being forced to live in. No one would even talk to him or us, to hear the true situation. Yes I am angry at the Catholic Church and felt betrayed by sister Ignaisus and other priests, so Catholics are not any better then Christians who are not Catholic.

Yet, even as a girl I loved and made New England my safe place. I hope someday I will feel safe to live there again. I miss the Atlantic. The Pacific is not the same.

I do have anger that I am working through.

I have made great progress and continue to each day. Even writing this entry instead of eating is an example of the growth and healing.

A lot of people do out understand that healing takes time. That before I am totally healed,that I have to face my shadows and fears, and that means going back to Boston and facing and releasing the hurt, anger, and pain of what happen to me there.

I am not going to be held back because I am emotionally stuck in the past. I am not a little girl anymore who is unprotected and bad men can take advantage and have their way with me, because no one cares enough to help me stop it. I can mother myself the way I should have been mothered as a child.

I will continue to be that ant that climbs the rubber tree plant inch by inch. Learning to accept who I am and not having to pretend I am someone else, because Wicca and the Pagan faith is considered evil and of the devil, is a step forward too, I think.

I do feel better after letting my feelings out in my journey.

Great article

July 8, 2014

http://jeanbakula.hubpages.com/hub/Brigid-Celtic-Goddess-and-Catholic-Saint

Good article.

An article about Flora MacDonald

July 6, 2014

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http://carolynemerick.hubpages.com/hub/Flora-MacDonald-Heroine-of-the-Scottish-Highlands-and-Islands

Those of you who know me know I am proud of my MacDonald bloodline. Flora’s courage gave me the inspiration to do my duty, even though I knew I would face hardship.

I know that I admire her so much for being loyal and true toward her Prince. Flora did her duty and never betrayed him.

I think of my prince, lol. I look at him now and I see a man in a rut. What would inspire him to do more with his life? I am not pointing fingers, because I have not done much with my life either.. The sad thing is that if we worked together and joined forces, we could fight against White Nationalists and win. There would be no stopping us!

I am tired of being in a rut and watching others achieve, while I give up and just settle. For me, I am determined that I am going to start moving forward. Loosing weight, facing my shadows and fears, find a way to be active in the political realm, and fight for truth, justice, honor, and the moral imperatives I was taught as a youth in the 60′s. There is still so much hate, injustice, corruption in our Government. I don’t want to reach the end of my life and feel that both of us failed in the destiny we were born for.

We all have a destiny.

Maybe the United States Government is to far gone? Maybe it is to late for us to even try and set things right? I hope not!

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