19 April 2013


My thoughts and prayers go to the family and friends of the police officer who died last night in Boston.  I hope they catch the second person soon.

There will be changes coming soon in my life and on my blog.  My life is taking a new direction.  I want peace in my life and not war.  I want to focus on LOVE and not HATE.  I want to live life and not stuck.

There comes a time when one must decide if the battles they are fighting, though they are a moral imperative, are worth fighting because they are battles that can be won.  Does the fight serve the GREATER GOOD OF MANKIND?  Even if it does serve the GREATER GOOD, is it worth the TIME and EFFORT PUT INTO THE BATTLE, BECAUSE YOU HAVE THE RESOURCES AND SUPPORT TO WIN?

Those are just some of the questions I am pondering. 

I am so excited and happy that I am overcoming one block of the PTSD that has kept me stuck all these years and am finally able to move forward.  One block at a time.  I don’t feel any anger, hate, or wish this person any ill in life.  In fact I still love him as my friend, and wish him joy, love, good health and laughter.  Will never give up the hope that someday we can talk and end things on a good note, but that is because I think having to face me Catholic to Catholic and we tell each other the truth and make peace as Catholics will make him a better man.  I have always wanted J to be the best he could be and I still believe that deep down inside is a man who has a heart of compassion and wants to make up for the pain and suffering that people went through because of his actions.  I know Pollyanna, the dreamer, who wants to see the best in all people.  I walk in other people’s shoes.  I try to see things from their side…  That is not going to change.

It is not all J’s fault.  It is not all my fault either.  We are two people who for whatever reason have a problem communicating with each other.  Because of the PTSD I talk in riddles and leave signs hoping that he would come and ask  me about things.  He didn’t understand so he never talked to me and ask me the questions that he should have to get to the truth.  Maybe someday we will both gain more wisdom and understanding as we get older and gain more experience in this life.  I am not stupid, but am self educated.  One doesn’t have to have a fancy degree from some fancy college to be smart.  One gains wisdom from living life and being born with common sense, which I have.

I can’t continue to think on what if.  What if J had given me a chance to prove I was telling the truth and ask him to join my fight against White Nationalism, is not something I should continue to focus on.  The reality is what it is, and I alone can’t continue to fight White Nationalism without any help or support or resources.  I can live with myself because I did try to do the right thing.  I am getting to the place in my life where I want to put all the White Nationalism behind me.  So let us say 5 years for now or even a year from now, J decides to quit running from me and the truth and face things, I may say it is to late, that you missed the boat.  It is sad, but the White Nationalists will get a free pass, because J and I can’t seem to communicate with each other.

I still have some more things to sort out, but I am making a lot of progress and I am letting go of my block, my dreams, and my friendship.

J made me feel worthless that I wasn’t worth anything, but I know that is not true.  I have a heart of gold and many good qualities.  I am loving and sweet and like a Celtic Muse encourage and inspire people with love to be the best they can be.  It is just that J didn’t understand me, because he didn’t want to understand me.  He is like the man who hides behind his newspaper so he doesn’t have to see or listen to the woman.  He lives in his own world and anyone outside of that world, he doesn’t care about as they mean nothing to him.  I realize that he is the one with the problem and not me, as I am and always have been open and willing to have a real conversation and friendship with him.  We are at odds because of his behavior not mine.  I will never let another man make me feel worthless again. 

My sin in all of this is that I enabled my friend to treat me like he did and protect him all these years.  To be in denial because I couldn’t face the truth that I FAILED.  You see, I felt I failed because I tried and tried to bring help to the FIGHT, but I could never bring the much needed resources that J would provide.  I would rather have suffered the mistreatment, abuse, and mental tortue then to ever bring dishonor to him or his family name.  So I allowed him that power over me..  It has taken me many years to realize that I am not to blame for what happen. 



I am the one who has to be the hero and not depend on some man to be the hero..

Have another day sorting out things and packing.



1 Comment »

  1. 1
    chrisy58 Says:

    Talked to a friend tonight and plan to see her next week.

    Life is good and getting better all the time.

    Been sorting out things and have a lot of things for another friend to go through on Monday before I take it to be donated.

    It feels good to be getting my faith back in God too.

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