15 April 2013

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Good morning. Been doing a lot of thinking and am cleaning out the people and things in my life that are toxic and not true.. In 30 days I won’t be living here anymore. Don’t know where I will be going. The direction of my life is changing and so will the direction of this blog…

I have been in a dry spell for a long time regarding my Catholic faith. Am trying once again to regain my faith. It is nice singing with the choir again. It is good to feel needed in the music ministry of the church. We are not the greatest musicans, but we sing and play our instruments from the heart and love. The Irish Bodhran sounded really good in our song.

Music education is so important for people of all ages because music is what brings the world together. People of all faiths, races, and cultures love and make music and people of the world enjoy listening to the different kinds of music.

Why does there have to be so much HATE in the world? HATE is found in all faiths, races, and nations. Yet, to many times some HATE is overlooked while others who don’t really HATE are accused of being HATERS. All HATE should be fought against! Why is it that the POLITICALLY CORRECT HATE IGNORNED? If you HATE what is POLITICALLY CORRECT TO HATE you are in denial that you are using a double standard and being a HYPROCRIT. I HAVE ALWAYS DISLIKED HYPROCRITS.

I am starting to read the Catholic Bible again and I was reading last night the wisdom of the world is different then the wisdom of God. That the wisdom of God is pure and seeks peace, but that the wisdom of the world leads to selfish ambition and discord. That is so true. I have always been pure of heart and saw the best in my friend J and have always sought peace and trying to solve things between us as Catholics where we end things on a good note for both of us and our spiritual life as Catholics get better as we seek to solve our differences as Christ and the Chruch would have us do as Catholics. I have sought and been using the wisdom of God in how I have been trying to solve my differences with J. J on the other hand has chosen the wisdom of the world. He allowed his selfish ambition to do things to innocent people who now pay the price of his deeds and his actions have led to discord and anger between us. He refuses to face me Catholic to Catholic and resolve the issues between us Catholic to Catholic as we are commanded to by Christ and the church so that we come to be at peace with each other.

Still haven’t written the letter yet. I have been doing a lot of thinking as those who read my journal blog know. I am getting out of denial now, which is a big step forward. I feel sorry for him, because I don’t believe he will ever know true happiness in this world. It musts be terrible to know deep down inside you caused innocent people who loved you uncondtionally as your friend and believed in you and thought you were a true friend, to suffer and know pain in this life. That you for your own selfish gain lied and pretended to be a friend to someone who was a true friend. And knowing that inspite of everything that they just want you to face them Catholic to Catholic and tell them the truth in a safe place where nothing you say will ever be used against you; but that you don’t have the courage to face them Catholic to Catholic and do the right thing and answer their questions and tell the truth.

I have the courage to face him and tell him the truth. Am even willing to take an lie detector test and answer any question he has. Yet, he doesn’t have the inner strength or moral courage to do the same with me, a girl. I feel sorry for him, because he is in denial and can’t face the truth about himself or me. Is it because J knows I am just the tip of the iceburg of people who by his actions when he served in Congress have led to people living in pain and suffering and their lives ruined by his selfish ambition and greed? Is it because he knows the truth deep down inside that he is a dishonorable man, where truth doesn’t live in him, but only lies and self deceit? Yes, I feel sorry for J and pity him.

What has J gained? Was it worth all the deceit on his end to gain his selfish ambition? Is he really happy to have sold his soul for the few bits of crumbs of power he gained? I think of the Bible verse of what has a man gained by selling his soul for all the riches and power of the world? So yes, I feel sorry and pity J. He could have known the true happiness in the world if he had chosen to be an honest and honorable man who didn’t sell his honor for the few crumbs of power. He would have known the love and respect of family and friends, but instead he has gained their anger( because of the deceit and dishonor on his part) and discord, because the relationships are strained and their is unfinished words that need to be said but won’t ever be said, so as to have real peace between the different people in J’s life who he has hurt by his lack of honor and truth.

This letter that I am assigned to write is taking on a different twist, and maybe that is ok.

I need some music now.


Jackson Browne- For Everyman

At St. Francis in Maine, I used to play this record and other records by Jackson Brown a lot. My friend Annie loved Jackson Browne too.

I love the part where in the song, it talks about with just a few of my friends, I could give up the rest and find something better.

Jackson Browne had the gift to put into music the feelings of my generation in music.

J left me holding the bag, and refused to give me a safe place to hide for a night or two, when I was being abused and mentally tortued over him and his family. You see I feel sorry for J because he has no HEART. HE HAS NO COMPASSION FOR OTHERS. HE HAS THE SAME COMPASSION IN HIS HEART AS HITLER AND DAVID DUKE, WHO BELIEVE THAT COMPASSION AND HELPING OTHERS IN NEED IS WEAK. J likes to paint himself as a decent caring person who cares about people, but the truth is when you are one on one and ask for his help because you are a true LADY IN DISTRESS, you get the answer ” IT ISN’T MY PROBLEM” without one question being asked; like what is wrong or what kind of help do you need.

YOU WILL NOT BE GIVEN THE CHANCE TO PROVE YOU ARE TELLING THE TRUTH OR EXPLAIN YOURSELF. HE IS SELFISH AND LOOKS DOWN ON US PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT IN HIS ELITE CLASS OF BEING IN THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT. THAT IS ONE REASON WHY I DON’T BELIEVE OR TRUST THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT TO DO WHAT IS BEST FOR THE SO CALLED PEOPLE THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO REPRESENT!!! They don’t care about the hell we go through, as all they care about his their selfish ambition and gaining POWER and MONEY. You can I can die as we are acceptable damage….


For a dancer.

J’s dad planted his seed in me, when I was a small child, when he was alive on this earth. The seed bore fruit in me that I now I fight White Nationalist HATE.

I guess I hope that J would be like his father and would want to help me in my just fight against White Nationalism and their neo nazi hate toward Jews and others. Yet, when I finally make it to the point of talking to him one on one, I find a man without a heart or the mind to see the truth about me and understand that everything said or written about someone is the truth, but that you have to give them the chance to prove they are telling the truth and explain themselves. I had the heart and mind to understand that concept and have always tried to be fair and give him that chance, but he has REFUSED to treat me with the same FAIRNESS AND HONOR as I HAVE ALWAYS TRIED TO TREAT HIM.

I think the denial about J being an dishonorable man came about because I couldn’t admit to myself that the son of my childhood hero was the ENEMY to TRUTH AND jUSTICE; but had chosen the side of LIES AND EVIL DEEDS. When all you care about is WHAT YOU WANT and YOUR OWN SELFISH AMBITION AND YOU ARE WILLING TO USE LIES AND DECEPTION TO GAIN YOUR GOAL, IN MY EYES YOU BECOME THE ENEMY OF TRUTH AND JUSTICE AND HONOR.

I couldn’t face the fact that maybe my hero was not the man I thought he was and his son J reflected his true values and disregard for the COMMON MAN/WOMAN IN THIS COUNTRY. I couldn’t face that maybe my mother and other White Nationalists were RIGHT about HIM. Because if they were right about my childhood hero, were they also right about the Jews?

It would have met that everything I was taught as a child in the 60’s was ONE BIG LIE.


Somebody’s baby

I am not going to give up thinking that somewhere out there God will provide me a door to walk through. That he will bring me help and something good will happen in my life.

Have things to do.

Will try to write the letter for my assignment later.

Chrisy

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