14 April 2013


This quote is why I continue to try and speak out and shine the light of truth on White Nationalism and haven’t totally given up my dream of working with J as one force in fighting against their neo nazi HATE.

Yet, I am tired of being in denial about his true character. So maybe part of healing is to face the truth and allow God to send someone else who has the same resources to bring to that BATTLE, but who is a man of HONOR and not DISHONOR like J. Who is a man of STRENGTH and COURAGE and not a WEAK MAN who LACKS COURAGE to do the right thing and talk to me one on one Catholic to Catholic, knowing that what we say to each other will not be used against us ever, but that we are following the commands of Christ to make PEACE with those who we are angry at and who are angry at us for our wrongdoing toward them.

If in the course of seeking HELP from another source, J’s dishonorable behavior comes out, then so be it. I have tried to protect him for all these years and only seek help from him and his family to protect him and their family name. I need to accept that instead of courage and honor being valued by that family, that they value cowards and dishonorable behavior toward someone who has been nothing but a true and loyal friend. So whatever happens is on their head not mine.

At some point one has to admit that no matter what you try you are always going to hit that brick wall, so it is time to move forward and seek and accept help from another source. I am honest so we will see if I publically name J and denounce him for the weak coward of a man he really is?

My stuffed mushrooms turned out really good, so I will make those again.  It was fun having people in for dinner.  I always liked to entertain people in my home.

Today I sing with the choir at 11 am mass.  Giving God and the church another chance.  I wish I could feel hope again, but because things in my life that have happen to me, I feel hopeless.

I keep on fighting to overcome the struggles, heart aches, and feel like I am always hitting my head upon the brick wall because there is never an opening for me to get through.  People like to say when one door closes another door or window will open, but that is not true.  You still just get the brick wall without an opening.

I may be ugly on the outside but I have a good heart and nice smile, though now I don’t smile as much as I used to.  I have a British humor and some people know how to make me laugh for a time, which they like to do because they like to see me smile.  I have always been more British then American.  I have always gotten along better with British men then American, but I am stuck in the United States so I just have Americans who I feel lack courage and don’t value truth.. They also lack the honor to do the right thing as strong men and are stupid for the most part.  They wouldn’t see the truth or face the truth if it was right in front of them.  They would rather let a woman suffer in the world then to ever have the strength and courage to face her and talk to her one on one, Catholic to Catholic, and just telling each other the truth, knowing whatever truth is said is never going to be used against you.  Just having the HONOR to do the right things as a CATHOLIC BROTHER AND MAKE PEACE WITH THIS PERSON.

I can’t write this letter for this week’s assignment, because J is never going to face me and talk to me.  So it is not real.  He can’t face me because he is afraid of the TRUTH.  He is in denial in regards to his dishonorable behavior because it might just be the tip of the iceburg in the number of people he has caused pain and suffering too.  He only thinks of himself and doesn’t care about others, even though he might present himself to the world as a caring compassionate person who is a strong man of courage and honor and who values truth.  That is a myth.  The true man is a coward, weak, and covers up the truth because after all it he faces the truth and faces me, then he has to accept that he is not an honorable man that people think he is. 

I am the one with the strength and courage, who values truth.  I am the one who is not afraid to face him and admit my mistakes and sins and face his wrath when I tell him the truth about his dishonorable behaivor and him being selfish. I am not the one who is afraid to fight White Nationalists. J could be a hero, but he is to afraid I guess to talk and sort out the personal issues between us like the house and that day in the barn when he told an true lady in distress who asked for his help because she needed a safe place to hide that ‘IT IS NOT MY PROBLEM” without him asking one question or really talking to me. There was no chance to prove I was telling the truth and explain myself. For years I have tried to do the right and honorable thing and I have been met with nothing but SILENCE and REFUSAL TO FACE ME AND TALK TO ME WITH THE HOPES THAT WE TELL EACH OTHER THE TRUTH AND DO THE RIGHT THING TOGETHER. THAT WHATEVER WE SAY NOT BE USED AGAINST US, BUT THAT WE HAVE REAL AND LASTING PEACE BETWEEN US AND JOIN TOGETHER TO FIGHT WHITE NATIONALIST NEO NAZI HATE.

Rolling Stones- You don’t always get what you want

In the mood to start the day with the Stones.

Don’t think I will ever get to see them live in Concert. As Arleen and I looked into going to their Las Vegas showing and the tickets are like 5 to 18 thousand dollars..

Death doesn’t scare me, so that is why I am willing to take the risk and fighting White Nationalism and standing up to an old friend who I feel has shown me very little moral character or strength. I wanted to believe that my childhood hero’s son was an honorable man who belived in truth, courage, honor and had the strength and passion to fight along side of me against White Nationalism. That because we both have known verbal abuse that we could be a safe place for each other as friends where both of us were free from verbal abuse and all the other abuse. That in the world, we might know HATE and ABUSE, but as friends we are the safe harbor in the storm that gives us support, comfort, and strength to fight again those who do evil. But after all these years I have to admit that J isn’t ever going to be the man I know he could be, if he would just allow himself to listen to me and use my knowlege and use his resources to fight White Nationalist Neo Nazi HATE and WIN. I guess he isn’t the man his father was. I wonder if any of the sons are the men their father was? M was, as he stood up for me when he knew I was telling the truth, but he is dead, so I can’t call heaven and say M please talk to me about WN and join the fight. I have never met the others in person and I won’t judge them on J’s behavior.

Need to go and start getting ready for mass.

Please pray for me that God will show me that he does love me and will open an door for me, soon. I have to be out of here by the end of May and frankly I don’t have any really good options at this point.

I have real life issues that I am working on right now and I don’t have time to continue to talk to someone who is the enemy. Maybe in the future when I am settled somewhere I will be glad to talk the issues with you again. Right now, I need to focus on finding a place to live that I like and feel comforable living in.

Will end with another Stones Song

Between a rock and hard place



1 Comment »

  1. 1
    chrisy58 Says:

    I am sorry if I offend Americans but I have very good reason to feel as I do against the United States Government and those who have served and serve in that Government.

    It is no longer a Government that can be trusted to do what is best for the American PEOPLE.

    Bruce Springsteen

    I loved this record and played it so much I wore it out. I am glad I was part of the Baby Boomers as we had great music.

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