12 April 2013


Good morning.  I have a pending comment but I don’t have time this morning to deal with it, so will deal with it later.  Have a busy day and the small amount of time I have this morning while having my coffee and toast, I have to work on my assignment for the week for my PTSD therapy.

J is a emotional block for me as what I went through over him and by him really was so tramatic that I have become stuck emotionally.  He is part of the PTSD.  It isn’t all his fault and I don’t hate him or blame him.  Just stating a fact.

The writing assignment is to put into J’s words what I hope he would say to me when we have a chance to meet and talk.  I have tried writing letter of what I want to say to him and then burn it exercise and it didn’t work.  Still blocked emotionally and stuck in that time warp.

I think one of the things that keeps me blocked is I am in denial.  I don’t want to admit that the family and son of my childhood hero is dishonorable.  How do I accept that J is nothing like his father and my hero was an honorable man who had compassion and would have helped a true lady in distress and join my fight against White Nationalism?  Or that J is just like his father and I was wrong about my hero and everything I ever believed about him was wrong? 

Denial is a deadly place to be, because you can’t move forward but am stuck.  I believed what my childhood hero taught about fighting the moral imperatives.  That Truth and courage were values that we should all cherish and strive for.  To stand up and fight for what we believe in.  That it is right to look at the world and think what can I do to make it a better world and if we join with others that we can be a wave of change for good.

Either way I have to accept that someone I loved is not the man I thought they were.  Either J has turned his back on all the good his father tried to teach him or his father wasn’t the honorable man of truth and courage I thought he was in the 60’s as a child, who he planted his seed in.  And have the seed bear fruit in that I fight against White Nationalism.

So I am in denial.


The Youngbloods- Get Together

Will play songs from the 60’s today.  I loved the 60’s and am glad I am a baby boomer who was a youth during that time.


Buffalo Springfield- For what it is worth

Both those songs really spoke to me in the 60’s.  I had the records which I played and played over and over.  Back then you could buy just single records of the song and another song on the back.

Oh, choir practice was really great last night.  I fit right in and am really happy to be singing again in with a group.  In one of the songs we are singing this Sunday in mass, we are using an Irish Bodhran.  I was telling how I am learning how to play the bodhran too.  I think it is cool how we are using the bodhran in music for church.

Back to the writing assignment.

I don’t want J to say he is sorry, but it would be nice if he admited that he lacked compassion and truth.  That he should have at least talked to me and allowed me to have a chance to prove I was telling the truth and to explain myself. 

People tend to think of themselves only and don’t think or even care about the effects of their actions on others who have to deal with the results of that behavior.  I don’t blame him for the house deal because I took the gamble that if I helped him out as a friend, so he would have the house sold by the certain date he needed that he would help me out with giving me safe place to stay because of abuse and allow me to talk to him about the HATE of the RIGHT WING and WHITE NATIONALISM  and JOIN THE FIGHT.    You know where you help someone and they help you in return when you need help.  I took the risk that J was an honorable man who felt the same friendship for me as I felt for him and his family.  I LOST the gamble.

I do think that if he was a true man of honor that he would give me the money back I paid for that money pit.  I don’t want any less or more.  I want just the exact amount that I paid for that house.  I am not going to go into details about why he was wrong to do what he did in regarding that house.  That is something I want to talk to him about in person.

Trying to put my thoughts into this letter of J’s words to me that I would hope he would say is difficult.  I am still working on the solutions I would hope that together we could work out, so that both J and I can end things on a very good note with each other.  I don’t wish my friend any bad thoughts.  I wish him love, happiness, good health and laughter.  I hope in time we can work together in fighting White Nationalist neo nazi hate.  I have always tried to treat J fair and hoped he would treat me fair as well.

I am J’s friend and always will be inspite of how he treats me.  So it is not on me what has happen and the destruction of our friendship to the point it is now.  Yet, being stuck in PTSD emotional hell is not where I want to be.  I want to move on and embrace the life I was born for. We are all born with a destiny.  I want to see both J and I fulfill the destiny we were both born for and make a difference for good in the world.  He has a chance to do more then what he is doing now, but will he take that chance and talk to me and join the fight against White Nationalism.  Will he stand and be the hero I believe he can be?

Even if J never does the right thing and talk to me I will continue to fight against White Nationalism.  I may just be one baby boomer woman, but I will continue to fight for the moral imperatives in life.  I will continue to believe in truth and courage and striving to have those values as part of my moral character.

Maybe one mistake I made was trusting in man to help and not in God to send the person that He wanted to help me.  I chose J and maybe once I am healed of J as a emotional block of my PTSD, I will meet the man that God wants me to join forces and fight with against White Nationalism Hate?

At least now I am working on removing at least one of my emotional blocks of the PTSD that have caused me to be stuck.

Will continue to work on my letter. 


The Kinks- You really got me.

Great group and song.

Have a great day everyone.





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