10 April 2013

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Today is Enpowerment Group.  Yesterday we had a good session and I am making progress.  I am stuck and blocked emtionally which is what PTSD is.. Being stuck and not being able to move forward and let go of very bad trauma that happen to you in this life.

John, I did see your comment.  I am not approving it yet, because I strive to not speak in anger.  It is a strong person who can wait to speak until they can speak or write to the other person with respect and not talk at them with insults as you like to do to me.

I do not strive to please Progressives as you accuse me of, but stand firm for what I believe. I am not afraid to tell Progressives the truth, even if it means I get their wrath directed at me for daring to stand for truth and honor.  I am not afraid to call them out on the times I feel they have acted with dishonor instead of honor.  Yet, I will defend a Progressive friend who I believe is being attacked unfairly and has his comments taken out of context.

Funny you should make a comment about me trying to please the Progressives and seak their approval, when the truth of the matter is that I have anger/passion toward my Progressive friend.  It is just I choose to not scream, accuse, or blame my Progressive friend who I feel betrayed me and our friendship by his actions and lack of actions toward me when I went to him that day for help in the barn to ask for a safe place to hide for a few days, to get my strength back, because I was being abused over him to the point I almost died.  Only to be told  IT WASN’T HIS PROBLEM without one question being asked.  I am not weak as some people think because I didn’t scream, yell, blame, or even seek to destroy him.. I am strong because I didn’t speak and will aways seek and hope we try to talk things out at a later date when I could calmly talk to him and not at him.  To continue to value this person as a friend and to choose truth over revenge.  All I ever wanted was this man to talk to me Catholic to Catholic and we tell each other the truth.  No getting even or revenge, just speaking the truth and then afterward giving each other the sign of peace and moving forward on a good note with each other.  I can overlook his sins and I ask that he overlook mine.

I also know that I am his true and loyal friend who loves him uncondtionally as a friend, and that he is not my friend.  He doesn’t know the meaning of friendship.  It is not all his fault as he has never meant anyone like me.  I am not sure he has ever had a friend like me in his life..

At the same time I am working on this block in my life.  J is part of the PTSD block.  I almost died and have a lot of unresolved feelings.  It would be nice if he would find the courage to face me and we talk, but he can’t.. I guess I have to face the fact that he can’t face me because he feels guilty over how he treated me. 

I wish he would realize that he doesn’t have to feel guilty, but that he has a chance to do the right thing and be the hero who helps someone who really needed his helping hand and still does because of my fight against White Nationalism.

I think a part of me is stuck because to accept that J is a man of dishonor to treat me like he did and continues to treat me by his not facing me and talking to me and we tell each other the truth without fear the truth being used against us; is to have to accept that my child hood hero’s family is not the family who believes in truth, courage, honor, or fighting for the moral imperatives in life.  To me fighting against White Nationalism is a moral imperative.  There are alot of other moral imperatives that one must fight for.  To fight against the effect of climate change is a moral imperataive too if we want to leave the children today a better world for tomorrow.  I know John, you White Nationalists don’t believe in climate change being a urgent problem but the low birth rate for Whites.

I am working on getting unblocked.  I have many emotional blocks because of abuse and trauma that I have to work through.  One block at a time.  Just because I realize J is a block to me and part of the PTSD doesn’t mean I’m healed overnight because now comes the hard part of accepting the truth that I don’t want to accept about my friend and the son of my childhood hero, that he is not a man of truth, courage, honor, and strength, but he is dishonorable, weak and doesn’t believe in truth, because he is afraid to face the truth and speak the truth to me knowing that I will never use it against him.  I just want to hear the truth from his own lips Catholic to Catholic and we then give each other the sign of peace and move forward and never talk about that bad behavior on both of our parts ever again.

We have unfinished business between us.  I hope we can resolve it in a way that is good for both of us.  It is easy to hate like you White Nationalists and my mother hated.  It takes a strong person to see the truth and choose to move forward, because they know that we all make mistakes and the most important thing is that they had the courage to look you in the eyes and tell you the truth.  I admire people who like me would rather have the truth then revenge or anger.

All I can do is continue on my path of healing and take one day at a time.  It may take me another year or two to get fully healed from the PTSD, but I am making progress.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P5vz6iwV38U

Michael Jackson- Man in the mirror

Need to go and get ready for Group.

White Nationalist women, there is a better place out there then your White Nationalist WORLD..    It is not easy to leave or even to begin the journey of healing from the PTSD that many of you have because of abuse.  Yet, with every step you take the better you begin to feel and your mind becomes stronger and more clear.  You begin to see the White Nationalist truth is really one big LIE.

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