Hope everyone is having a nice evening

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Empowerment Group was good.  We talked about what we believe about ourselves and how we came to believe that.  One of the things I believe about myself is I am worthless.  If I had been worth something then my friend J would have at least talked to me and ask me a question or two and not just say it isn’t his problem without knowing what kind of help I needed.  I was being abused over him and he could care less.

Yet, what I have to say is very important.  I have always just wanted the truth to come out and the right thing be done.  At least I have tried and tried to shine the light of truth on White Nationalism and neo nazi hate.  I have tried to share what I know so that people could learn the truth and bring much needed resources to the fight.  I wanted a hero and found someone who could care less about me as a human being, the truth, or even a fellow Catholic.

I love forever so I still love him as a friend.  That doesn’t mean that I don’t also have feelings of anger.  Just because I didn’t scream at him or blast him that day in the barn, doesn’t mean I wasn’t angry.  I couldn’t speak right then because I had emotionally shut down and was only thinking of WHAT AM I GOING TO DO NOW?  Plus, I will never scream at him the way we both have been screamed at in this life.  I was hoping that we would be a safe place for each other as friends and know that between us there would be no verbal abuse.

The wound is still very deep and hurts as much today as it did over 20 years ago when it happen. 

I joined Christian Mingle as I am hoping it is a safe place to develop friendships.  They have Catholics there.  I am hoping that they will understand that I am waiting for the right man and not just be so pushy and demand instant gratifcation.  I sent a smile to someone as from the profile it looked like he liked animals, and he sent an email back that he isn’t Catholic.  I felt like you can’t even be friends with a Catholic.  It is sad that some Protestants feel that they can’t even talk to a Catholic.  We will see what happens. 

I thought this might be a safe way to start opening up and seeing if I can open a door in my wall and not be so afraid of men.  I love men, but at the same time am afraid of them.  It is on the computer and the right man is going to understand that I want to wait until I have unconditional love for them, respect them and trust them, before I move on to the next level of being romantic with them.

There is one person that I have unconditional love for but he doesn’t have my respect or trust.  If he were to decide to face me and talk to me one on one then he will have my respect and he could work on earning my trust, so then he would have all three of my requirments I am looking for in a mate.

If it doesn’t work out this joining Christian Mingle, then that is fine too, because at least I will have made an effort to open myself up to allow myself to meet someone new, who could be Mr. Right. 

I have a lot of good qualities and I would make someone a wonderful helpmate in this life.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BCMb13XA1sA

Wherever Love Takes Me-Vesta Williams

Good night and sweet dreams.

Chrisy

 

 

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