1 April 2013


Happy April Fools Day.  I had one of my dreams last night, which I will share on my online journal.  I get so mad at myself, because I can’t get my heart to go along with my mind.  My heart has always been stronger then my mind.


Boys II Men- I’ll Make Love to You

Whoever said falling in LOVE with someone was wonderful was lying.  It is terrible to FALL IN LOVE with someone… No one has ever made me feel the way this person made me feel when we looked into each other’s eyes and smiled.  My heart tells me that I would fall into his arms and melt if he ever kissed me.  I also know he isn’t worthy of me because of the way he treats me, but no matter what I love him, stand by him, defend and protect him and will be his best friend until my dying day.  I think even in heaven I will still be all those things to him and trying to help him be the BEST he CAN BE and to ACHIEVE AND SUCCEED at whatever DREAM or GOAL he chooses to PURSUE in this life.

I understand him but he doesn’t understand me and so because of that lack of understanding, he took the side of people who lied about me because they didn’t want me to succeed in me getting help in fighting the evil… They didn’t want me to talk to him and tell him the truth, for fear that light would be shone on their actions.  I didn’t believe everything that was told to me about this person so as to hate him, but asked for proof and tried and tried to give this person a chance to give his side of the story before jumping on the HATE bandwagan against HIM and HIS FAMILY. That is what friends do for each other.  I AM HIS BEST FRIEND AND ALWAYS WILL BE, BUT HE WASN’T MINE, BECAUSE I DON’T THINK HE KNOWS THE MEANING FOR FRIENDSHIP. His LACK of HONOR really HURT ME.

Yet inspite of it all, I still am in love with this person uncondtionally as my FRIEND.  You know in the neighborhood where we lived, people were nice to this person’s face but talked behind his back.  I always defended him and even today I still get pissed when people say mean things about him.  Yet, I the true friend was treated badly and the people who were nice to his face but talked behind his back and lied about me with their gossip, were the ones who were listened to.  I have never looked into this man’s eyes and lied to him.  Yes, he was lied to but it wasn’t by me.  Maybe someday he will see the truth that I was always the true and loyal friend who LOVES HIM UNCONDITONALLY FOR THE PERSON HE IS, INSPITE OF HIMSELF.  If this man had only 100 dollars in the bank and worked a min. wage job and we lived from paycheck to paycheck, I would feel like I am in heaven just being with him.  I love him for him… We all have faults and I love him inspite of his.  He has a very bad Celtic temper and most people are afraid of him…  I am not afraid to tell him the truth, because ALL HIS LIFE PEOPLE HAVE BEEN AFRAID TO TELL HIM THE TRUTH BECAUSE THEY DON’T WANT TO FACE HIS ANGER, BUT HE NEEDS THE TRUTH TO MAKE WISE DECISIONS.  When people lie to you and only tell you what you want to hear, YOU DON’T MAKE WISE DECISIONS BASED ON TRUTH, BUT BAD DECISIONS BASED ON UNTRUTH…  I WANT HIM TO MAKE WISE DECISIONS BASED ON TRUTH.  I WANT HIM TO SUCCEED AND BE THE BEST HE CAN BE.  I WANT HIM TO HAVE THE KNOWLEDGE AND TOOLS TO SUCCEED.  YES, I WANT HIM TO FIGHT WHITE NATIONALISM WITH ME AS ONE TEAM.  FOR HIM TO FIGHT THEM AND WIN, HE NEEDS MY KNOWLEDGE, THE TRUTH, AND HOPEFULLY MY COURAGE WILL ENCOURAGE HIM AND GIVE HIM STRENGTH AND COURAGE TO FIGHT WHITE NATIONALISM AND THE NEO NAZI HATE.  So I am willing to face his wrath and tell him the truth, even though he might not like it.

I am open to meet someone else as I am SINGLE.  Just haven’t meant the right man yet, who makes me feel the way this man makes me feel.  I am back on my diet with the hopes that I am far enough along in my healing to allow me to build a door in my wall to keep the BAD MEN away.  A door allows the RIGHT MAN IN my life, but keeps the BAD MEN away.  I am not that 11 year old girl in my life who needs weight to keep unwanted sexual advances from dirty old men who like little girls.  Like many sexual child abuse victims I have an eating disorder..  When I am happy and can be active I can eat normal.  When I am being abused, unhappy, and can’t do the things I enjoy I eat and eat and eat and eat.  I eat when I am worried, stressed, and feel hopeless.  I have to convince the little girl inside that it is ok and safe for me to be thin now.  I believe that if I continue on the path I am on and stay with the therapy I have started that someday that little girl will let go of being fat as a way to protect herself.

In my dreams it is always the same.  He comes and talks to me and we work things out between us and we join forces and FIGHT WHITE NATIONALISM…


Boys II Men- I swear

Today I am playing songs by Boys II Men.  I really liked them.  Wonder what happen to them.  They have a lot of talent.

Have a lot to do today, as I need to find a place to move to.




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