7 Feb 2013


Good morning.  Have Survivors group this afternoon.  It is very important for me not to miss one group, as I truly want healing and to get better so I can embrace my future…  I made a commitment to go to each and every group and I am living up to that commitment come hell or high water, lol.

I have always believed in leading by example.  That is why it is important that I go to every group meeting and work the program from the heart, so that I get the most out of it.  It is important for me to show other women that there is help for us out there and a much better life, if only we will take the first step of the long journey…

There is life after White Nationalism and there is life after being sexually abused as children. 

I remember when we lived in Playa Del Ray there was a long tunnel that you went through on the way to the airport.  I would hold my breath going through it.  After the abuse our life was like going into that dark tunnel.  We can choose to stay in that dark place or we can choose to begin moving through the tunnel until we reach the light.  I hope this journal will encourage and inspire other women to decide to take that first stop and begin the therapy needed to move forward in the tunnel, until one day you look up and you are out of that long tunnel.


Getting the day started with a little AC/DC


been using homefinder to look to see where my next place to live will be.  I like the country so in Hawaii I am thinking along rt 83 heading toward the North shore.  I think that would be where I would want to live.  I don’t like cities so Honolulu is out.. I like to be where there there is less people and more nature.

Some people like the country better then the city and some like the city better.  I remember as a kid being read the story about the country mouse and the city mouse. They visit each other and each enjoyed the visiting of the other, but they liked where they lived better.  I like to visit the city for the culture of ballet and concerts, but after a couple of days get me back to the country.  I am sure people who like the city feel the same way about visiting the country.  After a couple of days they want to get back to the city..

I don’t know if my tolerance and trying to be respectful of others is a gift or a curse.  I try and respect others thoughts and feelings and I hope others will respect mine.  I like the country with trees and flowers and animals.  I love the peace and quiet and at night seeing all the stars one can’t see in the city because the lights block them out.  Yes, I love star gazing into the night sky and seeing the different phases of the moon.

Here is another “I” statment for my letter to J.  Not going to send them but will keep them for when he decides to finally talk to me and let me talk to him about White Nationalism and child sexual abuse so he can be our voice.  He is a very powerful speaker and he would be a good voice for us to the world in bringing the truth out and shining the light on those issues.  I haven’t given up on him, realizing the truth about me and deciding that even though I asked him to help me many years ago, that he is going to help me and be a hero and protector to us women and children who need his help and protection.  I like a man who knows how to be a man.  I asked him once and he doesn’t need to wait around for me to ask him again, as the ball is in his court and it is his serve.  I expect him to just come in and take control and be the strong man who knows what he wants and doesn’t take no for an answer, because he has made up his mind to help us.. I know and believe him to be a great man, if only he would believe in himself and allow that man to come out.  I know I am not explaining this right. 

Dear J,

I felt on top of the world and marvelous, when we spent time together and just looked into the eyes and smiled, without saying a word, because we just enjoyed being together.  I would appreciate it if we can move past the misunderstandings and gossip and lies.  We were both lied to about the other, because people for their own selfish reasons didn’t want us to be friends, as they were afraid I would tell you the truth and they didn’t want me to tell you the truth about their behavior and deeds.  It didn’t work with me as I kept asking for proof of what they accused you of and my uncondtional love for you as my friend was very strong and I have always been loyal to you…  I hope someday, J, that you will see the truth about me and we overcome and show to the world that they failed in keeping us apart so that I would not succeed in talking to you about child sexual abuse and white nationalism.  That the truth is stronger then their lies and that you do care about abused children and women who need someone to speak for us and to be our hero and protector.  I still need that lifeline thrown toward me so I can be helped and then I help others with the other hand, hoping that the other person will in turn help someone else and we form a chain of light and goodness in the darkness and evil of both child sexual abuse and white nationalism.  Please don’t wait for me to ask for your help again, just be the man I know you are and step in and help.  Please don’t let them continue to think they have WON, because they lied to you about me and so now you refuse to talk to me.  The truth is on my side…


One of the best groups of my generation.

Need to do some things and go to the store before going to group this afternoon.

Will write later and tell you about group.






  1. 1
    chrisy58 Says:

    Group was good we talked about our coping skills. Will work on the journal assignment tomorrow. Also going to add a group called empowerment on wed.

    Had chicken for dinner.

    Nothing good on tv so I think I am going to watch a movie.

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