4 Feb 2013


I have my coping group this morning.

Read that in Iran a 16 year old girl who was raped got the death sentence, while the rapist got no punishment.  It doesn’t surprise me.

In the States we don’t get the death sentence but we get the harsh judgment and condemnation while the adult who sexually abused us gets a free pass to go on to the next child to abuse.  We the child are the one that is to blamed and the people throw stones of their angry words and harsh judgment at.  We are the one who is punished not the person who sexually molested us.

What is worst to be left alive and to face harsh judgment and hate from the world or to be killed and no longer in the world to face our fate as damaged goods so we are fair game for other boys and men to sexually abuse us and force us to date and have sex with them when we don’t want to?

In my case first the gardener and then Mike Strassburger..  You learn real quick that no one is going to believe you and you are the one blamed and judged harshly.  So many times you just suffer in silence because you know it won’t do any good to try and tell people what is going on.  Plus you add the fear of if they carry out their threat of what is going to happen to you or to your family.

I was lucky to have Brad deal with Mike Strassburger and years later in my 20’s and I was being forced to date a guy I didn’t like because he threaten me and my family, I ran from CA back to Boston.  That was back in 84…  I had to physcally leave CA in order to make it stop…

People don’t understand my love/hate relationship with CA…  You have to remember from the time I was a kid, terrible things happen tome  when I was in CA.  For a long time, MA was my safe place, so my heart has always been there.  I always dreaded the time I had to spend and live in CA, because I never felt safe there. I always look for that safe place, where I feel protected from evil.

When I finish my csa survivor’s group here in Phoenix, I need to do a cleaning ritual and plan to go back home to Boston..  I need to go to Marshfield and face what happen there and deal with it, so that I no longer carry the anger inside me I feel for how I was treated there.  Even though I was born in CA, I don’t consider CA home as Playa Del Rey and Rindge Ave, at least my part, is no longer there.  I can go back to Lynn and the old house on Fays Ave that my grandfather built and my dad was born in and see it.  New England was my safe place from CA until Marshfield, when my mother was there with me.  Then I had to run from Marshfield too, because that too became HELL ON EARTH.

Want to go to FL and spend time with my half brother and see if we can develop a true brother/sister relationship that I have always dreamed of, even before I knew I had a brother.  I knew it deep down, but my parents lied to me and said I didn’t have a brother when I did.

I also want to go to CA and do a cleaning ritual there too.

I want to visit Kansas too and put flowers on my grandparents and uncle Jack’s grave.

Once I leave the Mainland of the United States I don’t know when I will return if ever.  So before I leave I want to put all the bad things to rest and be in a place of healing and peace.


Will write when I come home from group.

This song always gives me hope that I will make it through the end of the dark tunnel into the light.

It also gives me hope that my old friend in MA J will finally see the truth about me and want to talk to me with the same intent I have, and that is seeking real peace between us.. That he will value truth and justice and join me in fighting against White Nationalism and sexual child abuse.. Those two fights are worthy battles to fight and we could use his help and a man with his good public speaking abilities to speak for us to the world, his strength, and his battle experience to help us fight against evil in the world.  Both White Nationalism and child sexual abuse is evil.  It is a good vs evil fight.

I know some people like to think that everything is gray and there is not good or evil in the world.  I disagree.  I have seen evil in the face and have had to live in evil.  Anyone who doesn’t think child sexual abuse is evil has a screw loose in their head.

I believe in my old friend and always have.  Just wish he believed in himself and me.  I could be a big help to him in this fight any other battles he thinks he must fight for good.  I am smart, I just can’t express it very well.  I write better then speak.. Yet, he is a wonderful speaker and powerful speaker as well.  There is a reason why I chose him to be our hero and protector and asked him to help us many years ago. 

We may be older but we are better as we have gained more wisdom over the years to bring to the fight.

I will tell you the same thing I told Brad.  Don’t ever feel guilty where I am considered.  You are my friend and I will always love you and be your friend.  There is nothing you could tell me that would change that.  I understand about making mistakes and doing things that we don’t want to do because we feel we have to do them or else.  I don’t even want to know what they are.  Just know that I forgive you and love you as my friend. That is what uncondtional love is, my friend.  Knowing that your friend is always there no matter what.

Please pray that J will realize the truth about me and want to talk to me so we can end things on a good note, like Brad and I were able to do when I left Jeff in 2000.

Talking to Brad helped bring peace to both of us. 

Have a great day.



1 Comment »

  1. 1
    chrisy58 Says:

    Back from group. We did I statements. This was mine for my old friend J in MA.

    I feel demoralized and harshly judged when you refuse totalk to me about things that need to be said between us as friends, because I love you as a friend and have always been true and loyal to you. I was hurt you listened to gossip and lies instead of asking me in person if it was true. I would appreciate if you would talk to me with the goal of making peace and restore our friendship as I miss spending time with you.

    My home work this week is writing him a letter. I may or may not send. J is part of the PTSD because I was abused over him.

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