2 Feb 2013

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Happy Saturday!

This week journaling assignment is  called What Happen To You?

We have to write about our experience of being sexually abused as a child. 

It is very hard for me to talk about.  I don’t like to think about it so I stuff it down with food.  Thinking about it makes me sick and feel like I am an evil person.

This is a 30 minute writing starting now.

I was a lonely child because even though I have a half sister and half brother I was an only child from my parents.  I spent a lot of time with adults and alone.  Didn’t spend a lot of time with my peers, so I have always been more old fashion then most the people of my age. So when the gardener started to talk to me and said he wanted to be my friend I believed him, because I spent a lot of time with adults and people much older then me.  My half brother is 18 years older then me and my sister 12 1/2 years older then me.

I love flowers and loved being outdoors.  We had a nice rose garden and I love growing roses.  He gained my trust.  he made me think he really cared about me and was my friend.  Always have been to trusting of people and believe their lies.

Next thing I remember is being in my bedroom and the gardener having his way with me.  I had a canopy bed and a pink room.  After that I didn’t like my bedroom very much.  I didn’t even know what sex was, but I did feel dirty.

When I did talk to my mom she said I should have stopped it, and make it seem like I was to blame for not stopping him.  My dad blamed my mom for not protecting me and leaving me home alone and vulerable.  I know there have been times when my mom said I was the one who broke up their marriage by being the problem child.  Why did I act up and become the problem child? Maybe because I was angry that I was the one who was blamed for what happen with the gardener and breaking up her marriage.

I know it happen but adults said it didn’t.  They were in denial that 1. it happen and 2 they were ever told.

I wonder if there is a special mark on me that tells boys and men to sexual take me against my will?  Or was I born under a bad star and my fate was to be sexually abuse against my will as a child/teen and young adult?

I will never forget Mike Strassburger the pastor of St Andrews son.  He was a year older then me.  I hated St Andrews school and church.  He made my life miserable because he sexually abused me for the years I was there.  We lived in the same neighborhood.  I had learned from the gardener that it doesn’t do any good to say anything because 1. you are blamed 2. you are told you are crazy and it didn’t happen or 3 you are a slut so you wanted to have sex…

I remember in high school at Saratoga High that I was in 9th grade and he was in 10th grade my first boyfriend Brad pounded Mike Strasburger and Mike never raped me again.  Brad put a stop to that HELL…

I am getting very upset as this is the first time I have talked or in this case written about Mike Strasburger.  I think this is one reason why I converted the the faith of my MacDonald heritage and became Roman Catholic.  I hated my years at St Andrews and Saratoga and being that Mike was the Pastor’s son at St Andrews and he was allowed to rape his fellow students and still be held out as a model son made me hate the episcopal church.  My mother never understood why I disliked her church so much and never wanted to go.

I tried to tell her, but she wasn’t one to really listen…

So you see to the school, church and neighborhood I was considered the slut, but the truth was that Mike Strassburger forced me to have sex with him for many years.

I was fully developed by the time I was 10 and Mike being the head boy of the school because of who his dad was called me Hot Lips and so all the boys did the same.

We wore uniforms and on the few days we could wear what we wanted, I would be sent home because I was told I gave the boys sexual ideas because of how my tops looked on me.  Yet, they never told or taught the boys that they had to respect me their school mate, even if I was fully developed. They were taught boys will be boys and even if she doesn’t want to have sex with you, force her anyway.  Go ahead rape her, because after all you are Mike Strassburger the son of the Dean of St Andrews Church and she is just a girl to serve your sexual needs.

I HATED SCHOOL AT ST ANDREWS AND I HATED THAT CHURCH.  I HATED MIKE STRASSBURGER TOO.

I have to stop now as I am feeling sick and dirty again.  I am not worth anything as Mike Strassburger made that very clear to me the whole I was at St Andrews and we attended that church.  I HATE SARATOGA.. THAT IS PART OF THE LOVE/HATE RELATIONSHIP I HAVE WITH CALIFORNIA.

I LOVED RINDGE AND PLAYA DEL REY… I HATE SARATOGA!!!

Need to go now as the neighbor is taking me out to breakfast this morning.

I made 25 minutes and that is enough for me on this assignment as I don’t want to think of my years of St. Andrews and Mike Strassburger anymore.

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2 Comments »

  1. 1
    chrisy58 Says:

    Back from lunch

  2. 2
    chrisy58 Says:

    I don’t like the journal assignment for this week because it brought back memories of my time at St Andrews and Saratoga.

    I believe other girls at St Andrews had the same problem I had with Mike Strassburger with other boys there that were his friends. Mike was the leader there and other boys followed him and so I am sure they had their own girl that they liked and forced to have sex with him. I just happen to have had Mike Strassburger choose me.

    It is sad that girls under 14 as St Andrews only went up to 8th grade were made to have sex with their fellow students because the boys forced them to. Parents listen to your children if they don’t like a school or want to go there, don’t just force them to stay at a school they hate. They have good reason for hating that school.. If your child plays hocky alot because they don’t want to go to school, they have a good reason.

    I will always be grateful to Brad for FIGHTING MIKE STRASSBURGER AND MAKING HIM STOP FORCING ME TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM.

    Brad was a junior and a great person. He was caption of the track and field team. I felt safe the time I was with him and under his PROTECTION.

    Brad showed me that there are boys/men who stand up to bad people and fight to protect girls and keep them safe.


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