Working on my Journal for my Survivor’s group

The effects

I still don’t know all the effects that my sexual abuse and rape when I was a child has had on me in my adult years.  Emotionally I am still a child and not an adult, which as played a big problem in all areas of my life. 

I also tend to stay much longer in abusive relationships then I should, because I guess deep down inside I don’t feel I deserve anything good in my life, so when good things start to happen I self destruct.  I am a master at self destruction…

It has effected my self esteem and how I value myself.  I see myself as damaged goods on one side and scared to of men on the other side.  I want love but am scared of love at the same time.

Am angry at myself for being to trusting and such an easy target to very bad men who wanted to have sex with little girls.  I didn’t even know what sex when this man had sex with me.

I feel that my wants and feelings were never taken into consideration.  Had always wanted to wait until my wedding night so that my husband was the first one I had sex with.  That was my gift I wanted to give to him.  That was stripped away from me, by a very bad man who had his sexual way with me.

I don’t know why I attracted the bad men who forced themselves on me and threaten me if I didn’t have sex with them or threaten those I loved if I didn’t do what they wanted.

Don’t think I will ever forget the feel of the knife on my throat when a fellow student who had a ski mask so I never saw his face put that knife to my throat and dragged me in the bushes.  I knew it was a student as he had shorts with the school name on them and it happen at school.  The way I was treated by the school authorities makes me angry at authority and I have not trust or respect for people in power over me. I am rebellious and tend to tell them f you.

It has effected me in that I am a self taught person who has taught myself or had tutors.  I am all for homeschooling, as I didn’t like school and school didn’t like me.  I am a round peg and not fit in the one square peg that the school always tried to put everyone in.  I am a human being and not just another brick in their wall..I am different and I am me.  I don’t want to be like everyone else.  I like thinking and being outside the box.

I see young girls today and it breaks my heart that the crime of sexual child abuse is still happening and is even worst.  Yet, that same silence is still there.  Adults pretending that it isn’t happening and the child is made to feel they are 1.  either lying  2. crazy in the head because after all it never happen.  3 to just cover it under the rug never talk about it again.

So many of us turn to food to stuff down the pain, feelings, and crime against us.  You have to find some way to stuff down the emotions because you can’t talk about them, as no one wants to hear you or believe you.

We the victim are punished and the person who sexually molested and raped us gets a free pass, because the adults are in denial…

Yes, anger is a very big part of the effects that I suffer from.

We were to write for a limited amount of time and stop when the clock stopped at a certain time, so I am stopping now.

Chrisy

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