11 Jan 2013

44559_299557220157875_1983962051_n

Been busy so haven’t had time to write on my blog journal.

Survivor’s group was good, have to work on my writing assignment this weekend.  Need to write about the effects that csa had on me.  Can’t write about the others, but will only share about me.  One thing I noticed is that we all have effects from the sexual rape and abuse we endured in childhood.

Another Brit wrote a letter to the American Government about Obama and the American Government threating the British Government if they listened to the British people and withdrew from the EU.  Brits are angry at Obama and his American Government because we don’t feel he should issue threats to the British Government to do what America wants or else.  Their letter on wordpress was more civil then mine.

I hope PM David Cameron will prove himself a strong Leader and stand up to Obama and the Americans… as the British people want him to do and tell Obama and the Americans to bug off in his own words.  That is strength that Margret Thatcher and Winston Churchill had is needed in the Prime minister.  People are counting on the PM to stand up to the bully Obama who thinks he can dictate to the British Government to disregard the wishes of the British people and ignore what is best for the United Kingdom.

Brits are proud of the role that British people have played in the development of WORLD HISTORY.  We don’t take kindly to someone trying to force our PM to go against the wishes of the British people who want a fair election held to determine if the UK stays in the UK.  A lot of people would like to see a debate between the Prime Ministser and the Leader of the UKIP Party.  WE don’t want Obama and the Americans to tell our Government they have to stay in the EU or else…  I am still angry at Obama and the Americans over this latest insult.

I haven’t forgotten when he insulted our Queen and the British people when he gave a toast during GOD SAVE THE QUEEN.  I also have forgotten how OBAMA BECAUSE OF HIS HATE FOR WINSTON CHURCHILL HAD THE BUST RETURNED TO THE BRITISH GOVERNMENT WHEN THE BUST WAS GIVEN TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE BY THE BRITISH PEOPLE AFTER THE ATTACK ON 9/11…

NOW OBAMA AND THE AMERICANS THINK THEY CAN DICTATE BRITISH POLICY?  I DON’T THINK SO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RJUOUL-BF7c

So people don’t think I am lying when I say Obama disrespected the Queen and the British people around the world who is so stupid he didn’t know that God Save the Queen is the British Anthem and not America the Beautiful.. lol.

If he is part British then he should have known to show respect during the playing of the British Anthem…  Also if Winston Chruchill was your hero then why did Obama refuse to allow the BUST of WINSTON CHURCHILL ON AMERICAN SOIL.  IT IS MY UNDERSTANDING THAT HE REFUSED TO ALLOW THAT BUST TO BE DONATED TO A MUSEM BUT DEMANDED THAT THE BRITISH GOVERNMENT TAKE IT BACK.

Whatever I write on my blog I will say to anyone’s face.  So if I happen to meet Obama in Kailua, Hawaii  I will say to him everything that I feel and think about him.  I will try not to use the f word, though I can’t make a promise I won’t slip.  I will tell him exactly why I have no RESPECT FOR HIM AND WHY I THINK HE IS SCUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I WILL EVEN ADMIT THAT PART OF THE ANGER I FEEL FOR HIM GOES BACK TO JOHNSON AND NIXON( MOSTLY NIXON)…  I DON’T TRUST THE OFFICE OF PRESIDENT BECAUSE OF NIXON.. KENT STATE REALLY EFFECTED ME AND IS PART OF THE PTSD.  You see, I know that Obama or any President of the United States will give a shoot to KILL order on American PEOPLE WHO DISAGREE WITH HIS POLICIES…

I ALSO KNOW THAT WHEN IN DANGER THAT THE AMERICAN PEOPLE HAVE A GOVERNMENT WHO TELLS THEM TO GO TO HELL AND FUCK OFF WHEN THEY FIND A WAY TO SOMEONE IN GOVERNMENT TO ASK FOR HELP…  I KNOW THAT LESSON IN SPADES SO PART OF THE ANGER, DISRESPECT, AND DISLIKE TOWARD OBAMA IS BECAUSE OF WHAT THE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT UNDER NIXON DID IN REFUSING TO HELP MY DAD WHEN HE WAS IN DANGER IN ASIA AND IT WAS THE BRITISH GOVERNMENT THAT SAVED HIS LIFE, BECAUSE HE WAS BRITISH BECAUSE OF HIS BRITISH PARENTS.  THANK YOU GOD MY GRANDPARENTS AND DAD WERE BRITISH AND I AM A DAUGHTER OF THE BRITISH EMPIRE.

ALSO ADD MY OLD FRIEND IN MA. a former Congressman who when I asked for help when I WAS BEING ABUSED OVER HIM AND HIS UNCLE WAS TOLD FUCK YOU, GO TO HELL BECAUSE HIS EXACT WORDS, WHICH I NEVER FORGET WERE ” IT ISN’T MY PROBELM”.  He did not ask me one question.  HE COULD CARE LESS THAT I WAS GOING THROUGH HELL BY MY MOTHER OVER HIM.  THAT I LOOKED TO HIM AS A FRIEND AND I WOULDN’T HAVE ASKED HIS HELP IF I HADN’T REACHED THE END OF MY ROPE AND NEEDED A SAFE PLACE TO STAY FOR A DAY OR TWO UNTIL SHE WAS ON A PLANE OUT OF MASSACHUSETTS.

SO I AM WILLING TO ADMIT THAT BECAUSE OF THE PTSD AND THE HORRID EVENTS IN MY LIFE, THAT I TAKE SOME OF THAT ANGER I FEEL TOWARD THOSE IN POWER IN THE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT BEFORE OBAMA EVEN CAME TO POWER OUT ON HIM.

My nephew’s uncles who knew Obama at Punahoe, seem to like him.  Yet, from what I see as President, I don’t see how they can be talking about the same man.  Is Obama Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde?  You know the old Spencer Tracy movie.

I still would like to talk to my old friend as Catholic to Catholic, for several reasons, but the most important one is that it will help in my healing for the PTSD.  HE IS A PART OF THAT TRAUMA AND I NEED TO GET UNSTUCK.

Also I know it will help him grow as a man and a human being to face me and his mistake regarding me… As Catholics we need to talk things out and give each other the sign of PEACE, AND REALLY MEAN IT FROM THE HEART.

I WOULD LIKE TO END THINGS ON A GOOD NOTE.

I have a cell phone now, so if my old friend or his brother B read this, please leave a message here on my blog and I will send you the cell phone number which will be a direct line to me and you don’t have to worry about getting my mother when calling the home line.

If you both or one of you do the right thing and RESTORE MY FAITH IN THE FAMILY OF MY CHILDHOOD HERO AND WE TALK THINGS OUT FOR THE GOOD OF ALL OF US, THEN I WILL THINK BETTER OF AMERICANS AND MIGHT EVEN HEAL MY EMOTIONS ENOUGH TO RESPECT AMERICANS AND THINK THEY ARE MEN OF COURAGE AND HONOR, WHO VALUE TRUTH AND STRIVE FOR JUSTICE.  THAT AMERICANS REALLY BELIEVE THE THINGS YOUR DAD AND UNCLE SAID THEY STOOD FOR.  PLEASE RESTORE MY FAITH IN AMERICA AND AMERICANS.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U6tV11acSRk

This song always gives me HOPE, that someday the truth will come out about me and why I act out and am so angry….

I realize that with my PTSD therapy that alot of us CSA victims are angry and have a HARD TIME WITH TRUST TOO.

Because of the CSA and the way AUTHORITY treated me and PUNISHED ME THE VICTIM INSTEAD OF THE ABUSER, I DON’T RESPECT AUTHORITY EITHER AND TEND TO BE REBELLIOUS.

WAS REBELLIOUS AND DIDN’T SUBMIT TO WHITE NATIONALISM AND I AM REBELLIOUS AND DON’T SUBMIT TO THE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT EITHER.  THEY BOTH SHOWED ME THAT I CAN’T TRUST THEM AND THEY WILL HURT ME IF GIVEN A CHANCE. 

I AM SORRY IF I OFFEND PEOPLE WHEN I VENT MY FEELINGS AND USE THE F WORD A LOT.  I don’t swear in real life, but in my writing as I am trying to get my feelings out so I don’t stuff them down with FOOD.

I WANT TO REACH THE POINT WHERE I WILL NOT USE FOOD TO NUMB THE PAIN AND TO KEEP THE BAD MEN AWAY FROM ME.  I WANT TO BUILD A DOOR IN MY WALL AND OPEN IT TO LET A GOOD MAN IN, BUT STILL KEEP THE BAD MEN OUT.  YOU MUST REMEMBER I WAS A CHILD AND EMOTIONALLY I AM STILL A CHILD IN A WOMAN’S BODY.

NOT ALL PTSD VICTIMS ARE SOLDIERS.  SOME OF US ARE CHILDREN WHO WERE ABUSED AND ENDURED HELL ON EARTH.. SOME OF US GREW UP IN A WARZONE… WHEN I GREW UP IN THE 60’S PEOPLE DIDN’T KNOW CHILDREN COULD GET PTSD.

SOME PEOPLE LIKE ME, WE CAN’T PROCESS TRAUMA AND WE GET STUCK.  WE CAN’T LET GO AND RELIVE IT OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN. 

I AM NOT CRAZY WITH A MENTAL DISEASE LIKE BI POLAR OR EVEN BORDERLINE PERSONALITY.  PTSD IS ABOUT WHAT HAPPEN TO ME AND NOT WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.  I AM SANE.  I AM A FIGHTER AND I AM A STRONG SOLDIER WHO DOES AND KNOWS MY DUTY.  I DON’T CRY BUT ENDURE AND CONTINUE ON.  SO THEREFORE I HAVE PTSD LIKE A SOLDIER IN BATTLE MANY TIMES DEVELOPS.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8rRqH_OvlXM

They played this as one of the three Rolling Stones songs in a roll KSLX plays every weeknight at 6.

Love this song.

My mother wants her strawberry shortcake so I will go now.

Love

Chrisy

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

1 Comment »

  1. 1
    chrisy58 Says:

    My mother is asleep.

    I was just thinking of the movie Love Actually and they used the f word in there a lot too. Am sorry if it offends people my use of the f word.. Tend to use it in writing in my journal and not in real life. You have to remember before judging me to harshly that I am trying to sort out my emotions so that emotionally I can become a woman and become unstuck.

    The terrible thing about PTSD is that we are stuck… We need help in getting unstuck. For so many years I stuffed my feelings and emotions down with FOOD. That is not healthy and you can only stuff them down for so long before you act out on your anger.

    I am working on getting unstuck and healing so that I can finally at 54 have the future that my father dreamed of when I was born in 1958, and I can have the future that I always dreamed of….

    This is my personal online journal and so I hope people will finally understand me and realize the truth about me. Does compassion even exist in the world?

    I know on a Progressive site where some of the women on there attacked me and attacked me I posted a joke about maybe the lock ness monster would finally have compassion on me.. So I wonder is compassion a quality that Progressives have?

    I know White Nationalists don’t have compassion because they think it is weak..They don’t like idealists like me and hated with a passion my one American childhood hero.

    I don’t know if my compassion for others is a gift. I always have an open mind and don’t judge people, but try and put myself in their place and understand why they feel and do the things they do. Is tolerance a gift? I guess I have been made to feel that they are faults and not gifts, I really wonder sometimes.

    Anyway, good night.

    I do hope that someday my old friend who didn’t realize the truth about me, at least that is what I tell myself, because I would hate to think that someone could know the extent of abuse my mother did to me that caused me to ask for a safe place to hide until she could be put on a plane out of MA, would be so cruel to someone who thought he was their friend in real life.

    Catholic to Catholic we need to talk. His treatment of me effects my CATHOLIC FAITH. I think how can someone who is supposed to be a devout Catholic treat another Catholic, even though I am not a good one, so cold and heartless when they go to you because of child abuse?

    Isn’t the love of Christ and the teachings of the church in the heart of that Catholic?

    I pray and pray that we will talk things out and make peace as Catholics. Year after year nothing happens, so now I think that Jesus doesn’t love me or care about me..

    Please God, if you love me and care about me, please answer my written prayer from my heart and let the truth about me come out that PTSD is what I suffer from and that this person who pretended to be my friend and acted like he cared about me as a neighbor will finally talk to me with the goal of making real peace as Catholics and for us to forgive each other for the wrong we did each other. I did things too and want to do my part in moving forward doing the right thing toward my Catholic brother. Please let us tell each other the truth and really listen to each other with an open heart. Please help us both to do the right thing and forgive each other from the heart. Amen

    I really like Michael W. Smith.

    Oh Lord open both of our eyes Lord, so we both will see the truth and be able to love the other with the LOVE OF CHRIST IN OUR HEARTS.

    AMEN.


RSS Feed for this entry

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s