14 Sept 2012

I hope that everyone has a great day.  Today is Friday!!!

Going to start you off with some Bon Jovi this morning.  It reminds me of home in New England.  My heart has always been there and to me it is one of the most beautiful places on earth besides Skye and Ireland.


who says you can’t go home


Living on a Prayer

this reminds me of a concert I saw in the 80’s in MA.  Great concert.


bed of roses

Love this song too.  There are so many great songs to choose from.


I really like this picture and hope you do too.  There are so many places I want to travel to.  The first stop is Skye and Ireland.

Part of getting well of the ptsd is to try and get out my feelings.  I can’t talk about them very well, so I tend to get them out by writing.  I am not the only girl/woman who has ptsd so I hope this journal will help you in your healing as well.  The best thing I am doing is going to ptsd group so I encourage you to do that as well as writing a journal.

If you are involved with a CI/White Nationalist man like I was, and you had to endure what I endured then you too are suffering from ptsd.  Though Jeff didn’t cause mine, he added to it.

I know how hard it is to leave White Nationalism.  Jeff would tell me all the time that if I left that God would strike me dead or that I would get cancer and die a long painful death.  Yes, those tapes still play through my head and a part of me is waiting for God to strike me dead for leaving.  We are told we are in sin and we will go to HELL if we leave.  If we reject their message or ask to have what they say proven we are told we are either to STUPID to understand or that we are in REBELLION WHICH IS THE SIN OF WITCHCRAFT SO THEREFORE WE ARE WITCHES AND THE BIBLE SAYS TO BURN WITCHES AND WE WILL BURN YOU WHEN WE GAIN POWER.

Not all White Nationalists are CI/Christian Identity, but all CI are White Nationalists.  Some White Nationalists are Odinist ( Pagan) some don’t believe in God and some are Christian like Jeff.

I remember when Jeff and the men would sit me in a chair and scream at me  how I was in sin and going to hell unless I repented and submited to them.  I couldn’t submit to them.  I just couldn’t.  There was something inside of me that said this is wrong and you can’t submit.  Like I wouldn’t let Jeff baptize me.  I was baptized already and confirmed in the Catholic church.  Something inside of me wouldn’t let me be baptized by Jeff.

It is a miserable life.  Then when you try to leave you get beaten so bad, that it is hard for women to leave.  I know I am an evil person for leaving and will face hell fire for daring to NOT submit, but I COULDN’T SUBMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know a woman who left and then would be bullied back into coming back.  The abuse never stopped because in that world a woman has no rights.  We aren’t even considered human beings but property of the man for him to do as he see fit.  We are under the mercy of the man.  He has the absolute power over us and if he deems to punish us it is because we are in sin and he needs to correct us back into not being in sin again.  Even the women will write and say you must repent and submit to Jeff and the CI/White Nationalism.  I couldn’t do that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I fought them and still do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So one question that still plays in my mind is if God is going to punish me for leaving?  Am I going to be struck down and cursed for daring to leave?

Need a song now.




invincible-Pat Benatar

This song has been playing in my mind for the last few days.


Enough of that for now.  I can only share so much at a time.  I am sure in time I will sort out how I feel about things.

Since today would have been Barry Cowsill 58th birthday I will play a couple songs for him.  He was my first crush.  My friend Denise had a crush on his brother John.  We were 10 years old.


Please Mr. postman


Love American Style

RIP, you will always be remembered. You were a happy part of my childhood.


Everyone have a great weekend.




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