My Thoughts for Monday, Day 5

Watched love actually in fast forward and watched te parts I only wanted to watch, as I wanted to try and get some sleep. 

I actuallly got to bed about 2 and slept the best 21/2 hours I have slept in 4 days.  I haven’t had the runs, so I think I am finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.  Going through withdrawals can be done.  At some point you will have to go through them and get the drugs out of your body.  Remember the hell so you are not tempted to say yes when you go to your pain mangament doctor.  I got to mine again on the 6th, and we are going to have a talk and i am going to tell them we go for non narcotic opiate drugs like oxycodone or I will go somewhere that believes in sober recovery.  I will nver let them talk me into taking those drugs again.  They rob us of our souls and any chance of being the people God wanted us to be and do when he placed us here on earth.  He knew exactly why he wanted us to be born when we were born.  I usesd to think I was born to late.

I was always more of my grandmother’s generation and not of mine.  I think that is why my value was never seen.  That will change.  It might take some time, but I will get to Scotland and the British Isles I love so much.  I need to go home for a bit and heal  mind, body and soul withmy own people.  Maybe some time I will come back as I have family here and I do love America as I do go back to the Mayflower.  I just need to have a break and get myself together.

I need to get myself together.  Another hero of mine is Margret Thacther, a great Conservative Leader.  The Iron Lady.  I have those same English bull dog spirit in my blood too.  That is why nothingh destroys me forever and I always at some point find a way to become stronger and better steel.  Weak steel doesn’t last.  I am not a bad person, but bad things happen to me.  I am not a mentally wacked person, just a drug adict who is going to get clean and get my life back.

some of us are born with a personality to become addicted.  It is in my genes.  That is why there is NA for us drug addicts and AA for those who have a different problem.  I never liked the taste of booze so my drug of choice is drugs.  There are many former drug addicts that have managed to get well in body, mind, and soul.  I will make it.  That strong British spirit will see to that.

Some Republicans like to make a big deal about Obama’s feeling of Kenya as his homeland.  It is his homeland as the United Kingdom is mine.   I don’t judge him for that.  I judge him for his dislike and trying to insult us Brits on purpose.  The UK is a small nation compared to many other nations, but we have given so much and done so much for the world.  Yes, mistakes were made in the past.  Is anyone or any nation perfect?  Only God is perfect.  I feel Lboma is a bully and the way to stand up to a bully who makes it clear of his dislike for your race, people, nation is to stand up with eqqual strength and say, I will not allow you to bully me any longer.  I am going to stand up to America and its president when he is WRONG!!!!!

Maybe someday, I won’t keep getting lost in translation and Americans will understand my British love of nation, my people, and government is or used to be just as strong as my American love of nation, people, and government when President Kennedy was alive.  It has been under Nixion that I started to loose faith in the honesty and moral character of this government.  I don’t honesty know if I will ever regain that trust or respect I once had.

Only time will tell.  NA is a 12 step program and I am only on the first step of admiting I am powerless of my doc(drug of choice).  It is with my higher power of Jesus and Mother Mary( I am Roman Catholic) everyone must pick their own, that I will overcome and be set free from the demons inside of me due to a life time of pain and suffering that I have endured for over 50 years.  We were happy in Playa Del Ray, and it wasn’t until we moved up to the Bay area that things started to go bad in the 60’s.  So I had a good 10 years before I developed ptsd.  Back then adults didn’t think that kids could get ptsd and didn’t understand why we did the things we did.  kids can suffer from ptsd.

I will no longer suffer in silence.  I will be set free.  It is a long program.  So right now, I am taking a break from being political in this election.  In 10 I helped a few local Green Candates here in AZ on the local level. This time, I have to put my sober recovery first and foremost.  As always I will vote for the person I feel is most honest, honorable and a true leader of our times.  It isn’t Obama.  I don’t understand why Democrats can’t find the courage to challenge him for the betterment of the country, like when Johnson haad to be challenged and Republicans had to stand up to Nixon and make him resign.

I guess people lack moral courage to do the right thing anymore and put the nation first over their own personal gain.  Money, greed, power come first over truth, justice, and honor.  Over true leadership.

Politics has always been in my blood.  That will never change.  Though I have always chose a more support role then being the actual candidate.  They need to have the right support behind them in order to do their job the best they can.  Without that person who stands up to them and tells them they are wrong, inspite of their anger, then they fail.  That is why a good helpmate is very important and working toward the common goal of doing what is best for the country and the people.  That government no longer exists in this country.

I am a fighter.  I will overcome my addictions and be clean.l  I am aiming for a 30 day chip.

Don’t ever be afraid to admit you have a problem and take the first step to correct.  You have to do what is best for you.

Love and Blessings and so happy I got a few hours of the best sleep I have had in four days.  Day 5.   I might actually go to target and get my blood pressure and thyroid med filled.  That plus the diabetic one is needed.  That is not in the same field as the oxycodone.




  1. 1
    chrisy58 Says:

    Being born in Southern Calif. The Beach Boys reminds me of good times when life was good in this country in the early 60’s.

    Plus it is in the movie love actually. Love is the answer and not hate. There is love all around us and given the chance, I believe people always choose love over hate and indifference, if given that chance.

    To many people are never given that chance. And that is why hate is rising in the world today.

  2. 2
    chrisy58 Says:

    Another Beach Boys classic. Southern California was really nice back then, and living on the ocean. It has changed so much since then. Where we liveed was taken over by the airport and the Westport Beach club is gone. Last time I drove by it looked like a bomb site of just empty roads and the street lights still there.

  3. 3
    chrisy58 Says:

    Another one from 65, wheh life in Playa Del Ray and the WestPort Beach club and having a boat at Marina Del Ray. I remember it before it got all builty up and it was more nature. it was so nice back then.

  4. 4
    chrisy58 Says:

    I think Amerians need to hear this, and take these words to heart and remember and hold them dear. Vote for the best person who will live and fight for these truths.

    I feel that we in the DAR have failed in teaching the next generation our American History. It is sad that we live in a world where youth in high school and college can’t name the three systems of government and why they formed the three forms to check and balance.

    We have a generation who doesn’t even know who Hitler was. When a generation is denyed knowledge they can not self rule themselves and our Democratic Republic can not stand.

  5. 5
    chrisy58 Says:

    The sun is out, and a new day is here. Day five. I do feel I am in a good place and doing the right thing in facing my demons. Someday, I will feel like I can fly into Boston and place flowers on my families Graves in Lynn, MA. I have some things I have to work out, before I can ever go back home to Boston.

    Maybe a miracle will happen. One has to keep believing even when it seems like all hope is lost. That is where faith, prayer, hope and love come in, but the greatest is love. We all make mistakes. We must never judge without at least letting the other speak their side and present their proof. I was never given that chance. I could have proved I was telling the truth. Instead of finding a friend, I found a foe. Someday, I hope we can reach the place of being able to extend the hand of peace as we Catholics do in mass. Right now, I can’t extend my hand. I hope someday I will feel that I can. I never judge and always show mercy and love as Christ told us. I have a pure heart and trusting spirit. That is why I have always needed a protector who can help me see the true nature of people and if what they are saying is true or a lie.

    There are so many liars around today. I don’t know who is telling the truth. I know I am a drug addict. I am reading a book about Goring, by a British historian, and Goring too was a drug addict. He was a fighter pilot in WWI and hurt his back and they gave him pain pills. That open my eyes to the path I was on. In my drug state, I actually at one time thought David Duke was telling the truth. Drugs really do fog the mind. They make it easy for people to lie to you, and you believe them, because your mind is so fogged out by the drugs, you can’t see things clearly. I understand that it takes some time to get your mind working clearly from my sober recovery forum. To my old White Nationalist friends, I haven’t stopped fighting you, just because right now, I am working on dealing with my drug addictions. I will work the programs and get healthy in mind, body, and spirit. Then I will come back fighting and exposing you. What you are doing is wrong, and yes, you are growing in both the States and Europe. Greece elected some Nazi’s to power. We have a generation who has been taught to hate Jews, Catholics/Christians, West Europeans, Brits, Americans, and they are seeking to destroy our government and country that was founded by our ancestors. Americans better wake up to the truth and start finding their iron will to turn this ship around before we hit the ice burg and sink because the steal used to build the ship was weak and not strong good steel.

    Yes, you know me, but I also know you. I will not allow you to succeed in your evil plans. I might loose but I will go down fighting.

    I know my speeling is bad, I have dyslexia plus I have bad eyes right now and need to have eye surgery next month. They are finally going to operate on the right eye at the end of June. I can’t drive a night until then. Sorry if spelling and gramor errors offend people.

  6. 6
    chrisy58 Says:

    Slowing down the moon. It is 7 am and I am findly feeling tired. I hope I sleep well tonight. I am going to get ready to take out Benji soon, and I might even feel like having coffee this morning. Decaf. the last four mornings it has been water. I am so glad the runs are over.

    To my dear friend, we have come so far together and have fought so bravely against White Nationalists inspite of the risk of our lives. I am so proud of you and your brave husband. let us continue to walk the path of life together. I worry about you, as we both have been failed by the health system like so many others, that refuse the surgeries we need and just put us on pain pills for years and make us drug addicts. I am here and I hope you will join this forum.

    I post there as Chrisy. I hope you find your way there and seek sober ways to feel better and to get healthy. We need to stop covering the pain, but be approved for surgery. Do you know how many people are in the place that it is a choice of pain or no pain, because they can’t get the surgery they need. Oxycodone is a growing drug addiction in this country and people better start facing that are medical system is failing many of Americans who are denied good medical care and have become drug addicts.

    I love you and always will be here for you and your family. We will continue to work together to fight White Nationalism and White Nationalists, lol. you on your end, and me on the political end.

    Later, I will post you a comment on facebook to call me so we can chat.

    Love you always

  7. 7
    chrisy58 Says:

    Back from my walk with Benji. Going to be over 108 today, oh, how I pray that soon I will be out of AZ. I can’t take the Summers here. I miss Summers along the New England Coast. Walking along the beach, riding my horse, and just enjoying life.

    made my first cup of coffee since I started withdrawals. Having some sugar free jello and fresh rasberries. lost 14 lbs so far. It is ok, because for health reasons I have to loose weight. I am sure my fatty liver loves my not eating fatty or sugar. lol. Finally posted on facebook and told them my diary of withdrawals is here, and my blog is linked there, so I hope my friend reads and comes and reads and desides to join the sober recovery forum. We can make it through my friend. Love you, and I know you are just as strong as I am. I

  8. 8
    chrisy58 Says:

    I believe you have that strong Celtic blood running through your genes. We are strong warrior type people. That is why, the English had to ban our bagpipes and tartans for many years. Yet, they were never able to stop us from using and wearing our tartan. Plus add the British blood of the strong Bull dog type. Then add the American Revolution and Mayflower ancestors who came here and built MA from nothing. Go to Plymouth plantation sometime, if one has never been.

    I know it is in you. I love you, and hope we can chat soon.

  9. 9
    chrisy58 Says:

    my mom is being very demanding this morning. I hope I am strong enough to deal with her. this is the first food I am trying to eat in 5 days. So I can’t deal with her demands right now. God will provide a way for me to heal and for her to be in a better place with someone who can take care of her and deal with her. I love her and she loves me, but we are like oil and water we don’t mix. She has never liked me, because I am my own person with my own dieas. Maybe someday she will see I am not the looser she thinks.

  10. 10
    chrisy58 Says:

    I used to really like to listen to Bread in the early 70’s. A lot of good songs. So far got the sugar free jello. getting used to the taste. a few fresh rassberrys and some water and a cup of coffee.

    Going to take a shower and get ready in a bit, as I need to pick up my tyroid and blood pressure meds at 11. Then come and hopefully can stay out of the heat. The Summers get worst every year. Not even Summer and 108 to 110 today. I hope I don’t have to spend another Summer here in AZ. My good friend in MT is so lucky to be there and not here. She seems so much happier and has move forward off the pain meds and oxycodone too. I think all the States are like this as I know SC didn’t order an mri for the neck or shoulder either. Jeff might have injured me in one of our fights, as I fought back. I wouldn’t let him baptize me and he thought I made him look bad. I was baptized and confirmed a Roman Catholic, and I didn’t believe in what he was selling. Yes, so many stories on the forum of people who are in the same boat of not being able to have surgies and just the pain pills, or like me told they have fibro and given pain pills, until some brave doctor orders and mri and finds out I don’t have fibro.

    I think I might have found a new Cause besides fighting White Nationalist neo nazis from gaining polictical power in Europe and the States, beating drug addition, now add fight for decent medical care. Always have been the Celtic fighter, who doesn’t give up or retreat.

    Oh, how I hope to go to Skye, where my MacDonald clan is from. I proudly wear our tartan. A true Celt loves the bagpipes. Even when the English tried to ban them, they couldn’t. We are warrior people who fight. We MacDonald’s were once the largest clan in Western Scotland and parts of Ireland. Some of the Clans are both in Scotland and Ireland as we were one people.

    Flora MacDonald has always been one of my heroes. In a book of her, is a picture and she looks a lot like me with the dark hair and the strong warrior spirit. She save Bonnie Prince Charlie, was under arrest by the English, came to North Carolina and then moved back to Skye. I don’t know what it is with the women in our family. We come to the States and then want to go back home. My grandmum, though met a strong Scot on the ship over to Boston and he fell in love with her strong spirit. When she went back to the UK, he followed and married her and brought her back to Boston. They are both buried in Lynn, and since I haven’t been there, I haven’t been able to put flowers on the graves of them and my father. We are a strong women indeed, who needs a strong man to show us he is able to handle us. Maybe someday I will me my match, who can reign me in?

  11. 11
    chrisy58 Says:

    Finishing breakfast and so good keeping everything down. Going to hit the shower and I know that is going to make me feel so much better.

    White Nationalists gain people by lying and saying that if you have any pride in your people, heritiage, and culture you are a White Nationalist and if you are against them, you are anti White. For a long time, they used my love for my Celtic heriage to deceive me to think that it was just another heritage group. Most don’t realize it is political and don’t understand that it is political, because if you aren’t working to gain political power you are wasting your time and energy. David Duke is a very smart man. People make a mistake to take him for granted and just think he is nothing. He is working in Europe. Which is very good ground right now. In Greece not to long ago Nazi’s won political power. They work with Iran. I know it, I don’t trust him, one bit. there is something about him, that makes me think he is not working for America but against America. But I can’t take the research any further on my own. I need help. when I get feeling better again, I will go back seeing if I can trace what he is doing and see if my gut is right about him.

  12. 12
    chrisy58 Says:

    Well, I made it to target and the store, and now I feel like hell again and the living dead. I have a strong Consitution and spirit so I manage to get everything done, before everything I ate this morning came out. got some yogart will try later. Getting my system time to settle down before adding more food. Water and a little fresca.

    I wonder how many of you have seen the Lord of the Living flies. That has been a big part of my life. Children left to run wild. Well, I got go through hell before I can come out of the other side of beating this. I used to be a pharm tech. Talk to the pharm, who is a nice guy and I told him what I was doing and why, as he knows how long I have been on this oxycodone. He says that pain managment won’t work with me and will try to put me on some other drug. They don’t know how strong willed I am, and if they don’t want to try and work with me to find a sober recovery, then I will leave and go somewhere else. I want off this merry go round of hell. I want to put the hell behind me and find my destiny.

    Of if Obama doesn’t like what I have to say, he can deport me back to Scotland and I will gladly go, and the Brits would love my return. As I always have gotten along with Brits then Americans. Americans don’t understand this half Brit. I tell the truth. he needs more people in his life who are not afraid to tell him the truth. So if he wants to deport me, I know David Cameron would love to have me work in his party as after all I come from a long line of Conservatives.

    There is a difference now between Conservatives like me in the UK and the Republican Party. So it is no sure bet that I will vote Republican. If there is no one who I feel is honest, honorable, and a true leader then no one will get my vote. I don’t vote for evil. I am done with the lesser of two evils and party loyalitys and letting this nation hit the ice burg and sink because no one has the love of nation, honor, and loyality to stand up and fight evil. I am not afraid to fight evil. So depart me Obama, as I am not afraid of you. We both have family in Hawaii, and being from Punahou I wanted you to do good, as I want every single graduate of punahou to do great in this world. My nephew may still support you, but I see through you. You are not worthy to shake my hand, and if I see you in Hawaii as you stay where my sister lives and I am walking the dog, and we pass, there will be no friendly greeding.

    You made it very clear how you feel about Brits, and I am half Brit, so I guess we both know where we stand, don’t we?

  13. 13
    chrisy58 Says:

    Paradise is not Hawaii to me, but Skye, Scotland. I want a quiet place to heal and get off the drugs. I want out of the states so bad. I am tired of being misunderstood, misjudged by Americans. Who don’t understand the British mindset, spirit, and strong will to survie and do right. Who value truth, honor, justice, and fair govenment for all people. I don’t see that in the states. Not for a long time.

  14. 14
    chrisy58 Says:

    Loved this movie in the 70’s. I had the VHS. I love the ending. The city makes people strong and only the tough survive. my pain, struggles and hell have only made me stronger. I well get well, and find my destiny.

  15. 15
    chrisy58 Says:

    Someday my Swan will come and understand me, find the courage to fight. Why are American so unwilling to stand up and fight for truth, courage, honor, and justice in this country? Politics here has no real loyality. It is going to be your destruction, unless you find the courage within to fight and be a real warrior. At least i am a real warrior who fights.

  16. 16
    chrisy58 Says:

    My stomach seems to have settle down and not doing belly flops anymore. It is day five and the drugs are still coming out and I am detoxing. I hope I am almost through it, as this morning I took a shower and felt human again. So I do think I am at the end of the process more then the beginning.

    Someday my Brit will come and take me back to the UK and I will work in the Conservative Party there, and help David Cameron to be the best Prime Minister he can be. Am

  17. 17
    chrisy58 Says:

    this thing keeps cutting me off and then won’t let me edit, it is frustrating. I am not computer swavy. Know enough to get around the net and all, not like the younger generation. Yet, I think they miss growing up when we boomers did, before computers. When people read more books, but maybe the computer age is replacing the old books. I love books and still like to read book form then on the computer kindle books. I would rather have the hard copy that lasts a lot longer then on a computer.

  18. 18
    chrisy58 Says:

    Going to go and try to eat a little now. At least people know what they get with me. I don’t play games. I tell the truth, more then most people who are afraid to face the truth. I know my faults, sins, mistakes, failures, and all the other things that make my dark side. We all have a dark side and a good side. We choose. I choose the good side. I need to get out of the States and a break from Americans for awhile.

    Yes, I will make it to the UK and start a new life, out of this hell hole.

  19. 19
    chrisy58 Says:

    Someday the right man will come into my life, who will love, honor and protect me who I will love, trust, respect and obey without question. I do like British men better then American men. I find them understand me better and don’t judge me but see my strong will and value. Where as Americans tend to judge, condmen without giving me a chance to give them the proof that I am telling the truth. Why are Americans so different then Brits?

  20. 20
    chrisy58 Says:

    Time for Tom Petty. Yes, I will get away from here. Will I miss America when I am free in Skye, Scotland? I think the peace and healing is what I need away from here. Someday, there will be a man who wants a woman who is a little of both. Bad girl/good girl. As I want someone who is little of both too.

  21. 21
    chrisy58 Says:

    I like Tom Petty, always wanted to see him in concert. I would rather be here listening to tunes and staying out of the “HOT SUN” of Phoenix, today. Going to have to go out later and walk the dog. That takes so much energy out of both of us when it is this hot. Hard to get a good walk.

  22. 22
    chrisy58 Says:

    One of the greatest duet songs. A good friend loves steve Nicks too. She is from AZ. Her dad’s raceway isn’t too far. AZ is a great place to come from, lol.

  23. 23
    chrisy58 Says:

    Time to head in another direction. Great song and one of best guitar players of our generation. So many great songs.

    so far so good with the yogart and slice of turkey I had. I hope that I can start eating again.

  24. 24
    chrisy58 Says:

    My mom is getting restless, and in about 30 minutes I need to think about taking Benji out, so this might be the last band I post until later.

    I hope I can sleep tonight. Yet, I have a lot of drugs to come out of my system so it might be another sleepless night listening to music. I love my music.

  25. 25
    chrisy58 Says:

    last song. I really think I am at the end of detoxing. I hope. 5 days is enough, yet, i have always been one to learn through the school of hard knocks and having to teach myself as I was not safe at school so I chose not to attend. Never saw a truant officer. That is sick, that you can drop out of school at 14, and no adult asks why you refuse to go to school. They said I couldn’t drop out, after I was raped and they said it was my fault, I said watch me. Never went back. Yes, I am a real bad girl. lol.

  26. 26
    chrisy58 Says:

    Summer of 75 at Cape Cod. Then fall in Maine. Love this song. Might be able to play more eagles later. I need to get moving as I have things I got to do.

    I do want to put flowers on the graves in Lynn.

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