My Thoughts for Monday

I haven’t been active on here for a long time.  I am fighting  some health issues. and my body is fighting me.  about a month ago I was told I was diabetic and I am having to deal with reducing my sugar levels and my body is fighting because they don’t like the lower levels and so it reacts.  Plus I have been on perscribed pain pills like oxycodone that is an opiate, that makes you addicted and you become a drug addict that needs the drug to keep nomral so you don’t go through withdrawals. 

I had overcome my addiction to pot, but back in 2002 when I went to a doctor for pain in my neck and shoulder he told me I had fibro and gave me pain pills.  For years the doctors told me I had fibro and it was one opiate drug after another as my body got used to the one they gave me.  In 2010 the primary doctor ordered tests and an mri and found valid reasons for the pain in my neck and shoulder and said the pain wasn’t in my mind and I didn’t have fibro.  My shoulder and neck doctor plus  my PT person are pissed that for so many years they just let the real cause go and gave me opiates for pain.

I am a drug addict, just as much as a drug addict as someone who uses street drugs.  If we don’t have the drug in our system we get sick and believe me withdrawals are not fun.  I made the choice to get off the oxycodone.  It wasn’t the pain management doctor.  If I hadn’t made the choice I would still be on them and getting a refell for oxycodone 15 mg 3 times a day.  Now on Wed, when I go again we will work out a treatment plan with no opiates as I want to get off the opiate merry go round.

The forum that I published is a really go forum.  I found it today and they have encouraged me to stop and are praying for and with me to overcome, as I pray for them.  I wish there was an NA closer to me.  but having the forum is good and when I am feeling better I will make and effort to go to an NA meeting. 

It is all to common to deny our addictions.  I always say to my self that there is life after ———————.  You feel in the blank of your addictions and mistakes you have made in life.  We must believe in second chances and even third chances if that is what it takes to get off the drugs.

I have always been open and I continue to be honest and open and say I am going through withdrawals as I stopped taking the oxycodone today.  I have been given some rx to help through the withdrawals.  I will keep people informed as to the progress and the struggles on my blog, with the hopes that it will help and encourage other drug addicts to get clean.  We can do it.  We must do it, if we want to live and move forward in life without chained to the drug of choice.

Now everyone know on my blog, facebook and the forum that is helping me to get clean.  If I am not public about my addiction and struggle to get clean then maybe because of me not talking about solutions, someone didn’t get help in time and died.  I don’t want anyone more to die because of drug addiction.  We must overcome and accept the changes we can make which take courage to say I can make the decision to get clean. 

I ask Catholics and Christians to pray for me and my journey find stay clean.

Love and Blessings




  1. 1
    chrisy58 Says:

    Just checking in. I will keep posting my journery in the hopes that it will help others to take that first step of getting off the opiate merry go round that only leads to early death. I also know if I hadn’t made the decision myself to stop that I would still be getting oxycodone 15 mg 3 or 4 times a day.

    People have always judged me so what else is new about being open about my journey to get off the opiates. I left White Nationalism and helped people see the truth about that, and feel I made a difference for good. Now I hope that I will make a difference for good in bring to people the hard fact that there are many of us who because of real pain become addicted to the pain meds that helped take away the pain, only to find later that now our body needs them just to function normal or they will be really sick. Having to have your bottle of pills near you at all times as you didn’t want to go into withdrawals. Is that the way to live?

    I always say there is life after White Nationalism, well I say there is life after drug addiction. I am a drug addict. Maybe I didn’t set out to become one, but I became one; just as much as someone who took heron and needs his fix to feel normal and not sick. So I took oxycodone and someone else took heron, yet we are both drug addicts, who must find the way to get off the drug merry go round and be clean.

    Today I made it clean for one day and not taken any oxycodone. Tomorrow is another day and I am determined that tomorrow I will not take any oxycodone. One day at a time.

    The serenity prayer really speaks to me. God Grant me the serinity to accept the things I cannot change and the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. has also been a big help.

    I can’t change that I am going through nasty withdrawals and must bear them the best I can. I can change myself and choose to stay clean of opiates.

    Good night, and I hope that others who have gone through this or going through this will comment and we can help each other.

    Love and blessings

  2. 2
    chrisy58 Says:

    Made it through the first night. Didn’t sleep to well, which people on the forum I am working with who have been through this when they were getting off the drugs said would happen. You dont’ get much sleep for the first week or two. I am determine to get clean and be opiate free. years ago I got off of pot, in college in the 70’s pot was something we all did and people in their 50 and 60’s who say they never tried pot in high school or college are lying. Getting off of pot was not as bad as getting off the oxycodone. I know I have the inner strength to overcome my addiction to oxycodone and opiates. I must find the courage to make the right decisions alone if need be, hoping that a good friend will see the truth of what oxycodone is doing to us. Making us a slave to the drug. I dont’ want to be anyone’s slave, but a free woman.

    I was told on the forum by people who have been through this to get some movies and watch them. Last night I watched one of my British movies with many of the British actors I love. Love Actually. It did take my mind off of feeling like the living dead. I am half Brit and I tend to think more like a Brit then an American. I think I even like my British side better then my American side. I wish I lived there and not in America. I knew at 14 it was better to be British then American. What has the American government given to me and my dad, but when we needed help told it wasn’t their problem which is the same to me as telling us to go to hell. It is the British government who saved my dad’s life because his parents were Brits so was my dad. What government are you going to be more loyal to? One is going to be more loyal to the British government. I have the Union Jack hanging in my room and not the American flag. It will take alot for me to ever forgive the American government because of people who were in that government who told both my dad and I to go to hell, when we were in danger and needed help by them when they said it wasn’t their problem and just left us in a life and death situation.

    No, I tried to talk things out and work things out and give the person who was in the American government who treated me badly, a chance to show me they were real men of courage, truth and honor, but they failed. They only show that they are cowards, liars and evil men who refuse to help someone in need. I have more trust, respect and will obey the British government while I spit on the American Government and give them the middle finger.

    I am half Brit and I am proud of my British side. I love the American people,and the America that used to be, but is no longer.The government I don’t trust, respect or obey. They are nothing to me. I will never forgive Obama for what he did with the Winston churchill bust that didn’t belong to him but to the American people. He insults the British people who gave it to Americans after 9/11. He wouldn’t even let the bust stay on American soil, because he made it clear he hated churchill so much. Obama will never be the leader that Chruchill was. Obama is a liar and Churchill was a real leader to led during WWII. Obama isn’t even worthy of shining Winston Churchill’s shoes.

    I will never shake Obama’s hand. I won’t even be in the same room with him. If he ever comes where I am, I will walk away and leave. I don’t think he is interested in the truth, as he only LIES. No one with honor follows a leader who LIES TO THEM. In order to have respect you must trust the person. In order to obey and submit you must have respect. Obama shows none of those. While my Prime Minister David Cameron is a real leader who tells the truth and can be trusted, respected, and obeyed.

    Tonight I think I will watch one of my British Jane Austin movies. I love Jane Austin.

    When I am clean and am feeling better. After 90 days clean I want to celebrate without food, as I am now a diabetic and so I am at the same time of fighting the opiate addiction am fighting the sugar addiction. At 11 when I was sexually abused and raped, I couldn’t buy booze so I used food and sugar to cope with the pain. I am not surprise I am now diabetic as I ate lots of sugar everyday. When I move out of AZ I will try and find a Daughters of the British Empire chapter and join it again. I belonged before but health reasons kept me from being active.

    I will keep you posted on my journey through withdrawals of oxycodone. I hope that if you are taking them, to talk to your doctor about finding opiate free pain managment treatment. I go to my doctor tomorrow and we will see what my options are.

    The first step is the hardest step to take. It is like walking away from White Nationalism. It was hard to leave as there were people within White Nationalism that I really loved. I still miss them. I know that we are no longer friends, but I still love them. I dont’ turn off love like one turns off a light switch.

    God tends to work on one area at a time. When you have mastered the one, then he brings in the other one to master. God is with us who make the choice to be set free from our drugs.

    Will keep you posted.

    Love and Blessings

  3. 3
    chrisy58 Says:

    it isn’t to late to save our British culture and heritage. It isn’t to late to save America if we have the courage to stand and fight for truth, honor, and what is best. As long as we excuse lying in our leaders we will continue to have a goverment of liars and dishonorable cowards, who don’t deserve our following them.

  4. 4
    chrisy58 Says:

    2nd day. Still tired and feeling like the living dead. I gave up caffine a few years ago so I don’t have to deal with that withdrawal of terrible headaches. I am just tired and feel badly. Sometimes I can’t stand up for long and so I need to take naps. Don’t really feel like eating, but am forcing myself to eat a little. the two rx that my pain management gave me is helping through. Tomorrow i go to them and we will work on a treatment program for pain on mhy neck and shoulder that is not an opiate. My body has be so amuned to it it does nothing but keep me from feeling sick. My shoulder guy was pissed because of how in 02 I was told i had fibro and they started the pain pill merry go round and in 10 (8 years) they finally do an mri and find I have valid reasons for the pain and not fibro. If pt doesn’t work then I will need surgery and he was worried as to what to give me as I was taking strong meds like candy for the last 10 years.

    The real scary thing is that I am the one who cut me off not the doctors. I would still be on them if it was up to them. Some people are addicted to oxycodone and that family of drugs lie to themselves like I did that we aren’t drug addicts because we don’t use street drugs. I realized that I am a drug addict because I am chained to that drug. If I miss a doze I get sicker then a dog. You reach the point that you only take the drug to avoid withdrawals and feeling sick.

    Even though there are valid reasons for our pain and we can’t just be left without pain relief; I believe that there have to be other forms of treatment besides the opiates so that if I ever have to have surgery on my shoulder and neck that the doctor can use any med. he thinks will help in my recovery. Yet, from this day on I must tell any doctor or medical team that I am a drug addict to opiates.

    I made it through walking away from White Nationalism. My blog helped others to leave too. Now instead of White Nationalism I will be posting my journey to get clean, with the hopes that others who are on oxycodone will too decide to take the first step on the journey to get clean and find a better life without White Nationalism and oxycodone. I love you my friend and you have done so much to tell the truth about White Nationalism, and I hope that someday you will see the truth about oxycodone and will choose to take that first step and seek other pain management besides oxycodone. I am always here. I will always love you and support you in anything you decide to do. For me I was becomming a slave to a drug and I want to be free.

    I want to be free to go to the UK. I am a lot like my grandmum, who didn’t like America very much and went back to Manchester. My grandpa being a real man went back to England, married her and brought her back to Boston. She too liked a man who would put her in her place and stand up to her. I am still waiting for that man who loves me, who I can trust, respect and obey without question. I am saving myself for him, as my gift to him. I don’t know who he is, but I would think he would value that I am waiting for him and have not been with other men. Men are so different today then in my grandfather’s day. I am old fashion like my grandmum and need a man who can treasure an old fashion woman with a true heart of gold, who wanted to wait until him and not being with other men. I need to get clean and healthy so I can go back to England and Scotland.

    Will continue to post my journey to being clean and kicking the oxycodone.

    Love and Blessings

  5. 5
    chrisy58 Says:

    One of my fav. movies during the 70’s. I thought Swan was so cute, lol. Thought I was starting to feel better, but after taking a nap felt worst. Ate an english muffin and a sugar free fudge bar and feel a little better.

    I made it through today. Tomorrow I go to the pain management doctor and talk about a treatment plan for the pain in my shoulder and neck that does not include opiates that I have been on for 10 years. It is time to get off that merry go round.

    To my older readers who were alive during the 60’s I was thinking of the movie valley of the dolls. It had Patty Duke in it. anyway one of the women can’t get off the dolls and the other one gets off the dolls and goes back to New England and off the drug merry go round. the third lady kills herself because she couldn’t face breast cancer ( sharon tate). I want to be like the dark haired lady who was strong enough to get off the dolls and get her life together.

    This move the Warriors I watch many time on the old vhs. Good movie. Life is not for the weak, but the strong. We must overcome and take charge of our lives when we have allowed ourselves to be put in a direction we don’t want to go. I don’t want to continue to be a slave to the drugs, but free to live my life and go to the places I want and dream to go too. Being hooked to oxycodone will only keep me down and going no where.

    Good night, will post how day 3 is going of my withdrawals. We can do this together, my friend.


  6. 6
    chrisy58 Says:

    Day 3. I slept better, but am still feeling like the living dead. Hope I start feeling human by Saturday as there is an noon na meeting in the next town over. That seems to be the only day time meeting and with my bad vision I can’t really drive at night, so maybe there I could meet someone who would drive me to night meetings. The forum I posted on the top of this thread is a great forum for addicts of all drugs of choice. I have found wonderful support and telling me which drug that they gave me to help with the withdrawals is an addive benzie, which is just as bad if not worth to get off then the opiate.

    I go to the pain managment doctor today and we will see what they can do. I know one person one the forum who is here in the states but is also British but came to the states at 3 is from Wales, so we have being British in common. It is always so nice to meet a fellow Brit in the states who also has a love for the British culture and heritage we share. He has some of the same things wrong and he was told he had a choice between pain pills or pain. I hope that is not the case. I don’t do pain very well, hence the pain pills. Maybe it is just one big merry go round and round and round you go until you die, being enslaved to that drug. I don’t want that anymore I want to be free, so I can achieve my goal of going to the UK to see England, Scotand and Ireland, where my family is from.

    Barry Cowsil was the first boy I had a crush on. I still remember his birthday Sept 14, 1954. My good friend like John who was born March 2, 1956. We got to see them in person. Barry died in 05 during Katrina.

    This song is for you Barry.

  7. 7
    chrisy58 Says:

    Brings back good memories of living in the South.

    I had such a good time living in South Carolina/Georga. LA was nice too and made a lot of good memories. I am more a Dixie girl now then a Boston girl that I was when I lived in MA. You can take the girl out of Dixie but not Dixie out of the girl, much like you can take the girl out of the UK, but not the UK out of the girl.

    I am no longer a Northern girl who is so sure of your ideas that heaven help someone who think outside their narrow view point. I have no desire to ever see Marshfield again in my life. though I wish I could go to Lynn and visit my dad’s grave along with my British grandparents, but because of powerful enemies there I don’t feel safe flying into Boston.

    Thanks for the good memories R, B, W, and LD. New Orleans was a blast and one of the best times in my life. I was actually free for the weekend. I know you don’t believe this, but I still love you all as friends. I don’t turn off love like one turns off the light switch, but I also know because I left WN, that any friendship we had is dead. I hope someday you will see the lies and choose the truth. I pray for you all.

    A part of me will always love the South. The oak trees with the moss, the wonderful food and company.

    I am working to be set free and not chained to anyone or anything ever again in my life. I want to move forward and go back to my homeland. I want to see England, Scotland and Ireland where my family is from. I want to continue my family line researh. I want to be active in British Politics as I think they might be more honest and less lying. I hate liars like what we have in the American government and that is why I may not vote at all, as what is my choice liar one or liar two. No voting for the less of two evils. Vote my honor, and I can look mysself in the mirror. Always put truth and honor first, second and third.

    I miss you guys.

  8. 8
    chrisy58 Says:

    I need to tell myself that someday I will be a free bird and can fly away to the United Kingdom where I belong. Each day I stay clean is one day closer to my freedom.

    I will be free of all chains that bind me and hold me back from spreading my wings. My day will come.

  9. 9
    chrisy58 Says:

    I can’t wait for the day I can fly away from the United States and to the United Kingdom. Someday I will get to see my homeland of England, Scotland and Ireland. I want to go to Skye and see the MacDonald castle with Lord and Lady Macdonald.
    I want to see a Manchester United game and go to London to see the Royal Ballat.

    Last stop Ireland. To get some more Belick for my collection and the Irish lace.

    I will go someday, as my heart is there and not here in America. Sorry, but to much bad shit has happen to me. Misjudged, misdiagosed by doctors, and no one have the courage to talk to me and find the truth. NO, I tried and tried to be an American, but I am not. I am done trying.

    What is honorable about having a President, Congress, and Supreme Court full of lying, corrupted, dishonorable men and people excusing the lies and corruption. They accuse each other of crony capitiolism but they both are doing the same crony capitolism. My believe is truth and honor first, second and third. Not lying first, second and third. There is no more freemarket captiolism in this country and only a fool thinks there is. I wash my hands on this American Political system. In 10 I helped Green Progressive candidates on the local level. This year I help no one. Who is there to help but liars in both parties?

  10. 10
    chrisy58 Says:

    Day 4. Went to the pain managment doctor yesterday and they don’t understand why I would take myself off the oxycodone 15 as it wasn’t that strong. We made a deal that we are going to try a non nar. drug called Tramadol and see if that will deal with the pain of going through pt an d possible surgery. They don’t think I am a drug addict or dependent on the opiates.

    Those of us who have addictions get addicted to many things. It is in our genes. I was a pot head in my youth. I smoked pot from the time I got up to the time I went to bed. I loved hash too. I did the organic drugs and never the other drugs. I hate needles with a passion. I chose not to use in many years. The desire never goes away. If I was at a party and pot was offered or hash then I would be tempted to smoke it. I choose to stay clean.

    Just because I don’t go out and seek these drugs off the street, doesn’t mean I can’t be dependent on them and then have to deal with another addiction. I am hoping the tramadol will help and lower drugs then the oxycodone. I don’t want to be in pain. I need some pain relief while going through pt and possible shoulder surgery if the pt doesn’t work. Yet, I don’t want to start that process at oxycodone. It isn’t my fault that I was told I had Fibro when I didn’t and have been on the pain pills for 10 years.

    I actually I slept pretty good last night. Still not to hungry. Feeling a little better but still tired and low energy. I am starting to feel human and not so much the living dead. I actually felt good enough to pray my rosary last night, which is something I haven’t been able to do for the last few days. Why is it so hard for people to realize that just because someone is clean on the pot and other organic drugs that you aren’t a person who could easily become an drug addict?

    Will keep you posted.

    Love and Blessings

  11. 11
    chrisy58 Says:

    Still waiting for the man who who is in love with me and who I can trust, respect and obey without question. I wonder if he is waiting for me too. I want to save myself for only him as my gift. Do you think men treasure women who save themselves for the one man who they someday marry?

    Maybe it is because I am Catholic, and that is why I feel the greatest gift I can give him is not seeing and being with other men sexually. Old fashion girls like me are NOT wanted or treasured anymore. The ones who got dates were the ones who put out, and girls like me stayed home. I remember times when on a date and I would NOT give in to their sexual desire being tossed out of the car and having to call someone to pick me up. I don’t understand the world today. I know I am not the smartest girl, but I have a lot of good qualities like a heart of gold. I would make a good helpmate and know how to build up a man and not tare him down. To make him feel that God blessed him with a good woman.

    Someday that man God has chosen for me will come into my life. I have to keep believing that. Anyway, this song is for the man, who I don’t know yet, who will love me and value me and treasure me as I am.

  12. 12
    chrisy58 Says:

    Someday I hope the man who I don’t know of, but who I dream of will come into my life. That he will see my good and not just judge me based on bad things. We have all made mistakes in this world, but that doesn’t make us bad people who are unlovable, does it?

    I am open and honest about my struggles in life, because I hope my coming out into the open will help others who are having to fight the same battles,so that they can get help too and we can do it together.

    Someday I believe God will bring into my life a man like my Scottish grandpa who was strong enough to win my grandmum heart so that she married him and sailed back to Boston and leave her beloved England forever. Men today want everything so quick that they don’t value old fashion girls who try their best wait so that they can give their future husband the greatest gift of all. I just don’t understand the world today.

  13. 13
    chrisy58 Says:

    Another one. I would love to meet the man God has chosen me and we travel together to England, Scotland and Ireland and I can visit the homecountry. I just have to be patient and wait for God’s time, as God knows best.

    I hope somewhere out in the world he is thinking of me and wondering when God is going to bring us together.

  14. 14
    chrisy58 Says:

    Last love song, I promise. It gets lonely sometimes not being with the man God for me. To me marriage is a sacrament and scared. Just keep trusting that God has a man for me. When I am ready and he is ready he will bring us together like my friend Cheryl was met to be with Mark. God open the doors for her to move to Montana and two weeks later she met Mark and they will be together for always. My time will come someday, and it is in his hands. Don’t know who God has in store for me, but it will be somone who knows me, understands me and doesn’t judge me. But is wlling to seek the truth, speak the truth, and fight for the truth, which in the world today lies are accepted and just who our Presidents and political leaders do and are liars.

    Truth and honor first, second, third. I will not vote for any political candidate who LIES. I don’t care what party it is. We must have truth, honor and moral courage to stand up for truth, speak the truth, and fight for the truth.

    I remember the movie Fiddler on the earth. I was most like the middle daughter who married a man who politics was everything to him. Maybe that is the kind of man God has chosen for me. One who we can agree to disagree but always be honest and fair with each other. If we both seek the best for mankind and our planet then somehow I believe we will find a way to work together.

    Going to take a break off the computer as my back is starting to kill me.

    Love and Blessings to all.


  15. 15
    chrisy58 Says:

    Day 5 of no oxycodone. The tramadol isn’t really working that well. Monday I will go back to the pain doctor and see what my options are.

    Went to the eye doctor and next month my right eye gets to have surgery and after that then my left eye. What I didn’t want to more surgival proceedures. I know at some point my shoulder and neck will be operated on, so that is 3 surgeries sometime this Summer or fall. I don’t deal with pain. So I might take them until I am fully recovered and then go through the withdrawals when I have no pressing health issues.

    Found out the anixity drug they gave me is highly addictive and very hard to get off of. Why do they give people highly addictive drugs to counter withdrawals from the opiates that leave you addcited to a drug that is much worst then the oxycodone? I started the Klonopin Monday so hopefully it has not become another addiction.

    I know fellow Republicans are going to be mad at me for saying that I think Romney is just another slick politican who lies. We have slick politican who lies with Obama so he is liar one. We have slick polititian who lies with Romney as liar two. What a choice between liar one and liar two. Just because they all lie is no reason to continue to elect men to office with no honesty, honor, or moral values. Truth and honor should be number one, two and three in deciding to vote for someone. I don’t vote for any liar regardless of party. If they lie they loose my trust, respect, and submission. I don’t fellow leaders who LIE!!!!!

    If one doesnt’ stand for truth, honor, and moral courage and demand our political leaders have those qualities, then we are part of the problem and reason why lying and corruption have grown very powerful in this nation; along with crony capitiolism of both parties. Fair market Capitiolism doesn’t exist anymore. It is only a memory gone with the wind.

    Sorry, but I vote for character and not if I like someone or think he is cute like my mom. Or make excuses why I am voting for known liar like Obama like my nephew.

    Talk to you later, need to go.


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