16 May 2013

Good morning. I picked this picture today, because I still hope and pray that someday I will meet a man who is strong enough to handle me and reign me in when I need it. Have yet to meet my match. I need a strong man who can show me he can put me in my place… Have never met that person.

Am a strong Celtic/British woman who needs a man who isn’t afraid to stand up to me and tell me I am wrong and when I am right listen to me and know that I am not stupid. That one can be smart and not have a fancy college degree from some ivy league school. I have common sense and knowledge from the school of hard knocks.

You see I want a man who I can respect and I will respect the man who is strong enough and has the courage to face me and reign me in when I get to wild for my own good. Have always liked to go fast. I have always loved fast horses, cars, and bikes( motor).

I think that is why if I had been born boy/man I would have joined the navy. My brother was Air Force. I have a nephew in the Army. Yet, I have always liked the Navy myself.

The funny thing is the doctor told my parents I was going to be a boy. they were going to name me after my Scottish/British grandfather John Robert. They didn’t have any girls names. I like both those names for boys as they are strong names. Surprise, I was born a girl. They didn’t have a name for me as they had been told I would be a boy. They finally found a name for me. They named me Camela Julie. Camela is a pretty name but no one could ever pronounce it correctly. It is pronounced like Pamela but only with a C. Or Camelot but only with an a at the end. I always had to correct everyone. Family called me Camie but people still try and call me TAMIE.. I got tired of having to say I am not Tamie with a T but Camie with a C. My English/British Grandmum was Emma. I wish they would have called me Emma. as I like Emma. It is a good English name.

When my father died and I was living in MA I legally changed my name to Christine Camela and dropped the Julie after my mom. Sometimes my mother said I hated the name Camela. I didn’t hate it or I wouldn’t have kept it as a middle name. I just didn’t like having it as a first name and having to deal with people not pronouncing it correctly. I chose Christine because when we were in Europe there was an English boy I became close and kept an eye out on the tour. His name was Christian so Christine was I thought a fem version of Christian.

My mother never understood me and always twisted things so that the truth was always distorted to the point it became a lie about me. It wasn’t her fault as some people are not able to think outside the box and look at the whole picture… or try to see and understand why people feel or do the things they do and look at the heart.. sometimes the truth is hidden very deep in a person and isn’t always on the outside and easy for people to see. You have to dig deep for the truth. You have to be willing to do your own research and really talk and listen to a person.

With Helen I was talking about an old friend who once told me I was pretty enough on the outside but didn’t have anything between the ears. I didn’t say anything. But I was thinking he doesn’t know me at all and doesn’t see the true me; how am I going to help him see the true me and the truth of what I am saying. How am I going to get him to open his mind and really listen and want to find the truth. I am a deep thinker, but this friend couldn’t see that because I kept my thoughts to myself. With the PTSD I can’t express very well the thoughts I have and say the things I have to say and put them into words. I write better then I speak. It is my fault that I couldn’t communicate in such a way for him to see the truth and join the fight against White Nationalism and other evil in this world.

Plus add that because I was verbally abused in my life and screamed at in anger and the most nasty things said to me by my mother, I will not do that to anyone else. I have learned to remain calm and be silent until I can speak to the person and not at the person. That is where the turtle comes into play and I retreat without a word. That is why I offered to play backgammon with this person so we can take our anger and passion for the other person in beating them at a game that allows us to still talk. We could even play for stakes. that way we both are talking to each other and not at each other because we both have celtic tempers.. I have over 20 years of anger passion toward him and he will be angry with me when he hears some of the truth I need to say to him…Yet, I believe if we can cool down our anger toward each other down enough we can talk things out and make peace and join forces to fight against White Nationalism and other issues we need to work together on as one team.

I have always been his wing person, but I know he isn’t mine.

Someday I will meet the right man for me. Who understands that truth, justice, duty, courage, and moral character are the most important things to me. I think that is why I have always liked the Navy because those are values that are very important to those who serve in the Armed Forces of both the United Kingdom and the United States. Though in the United States the President and Commander in Chief Obama doesn’t value the lives of the men and woman in the United States Arm Forces, like PM David Cameron values the lives of the men and woman in the Royal Armed Forces.

You have to remember that before 1972 and what happen to by dad under Nixon I loved the United States under President Kennedy first and the United Kingdom second. After the British Government saved my dad’s life it changed and I loved the British Government first and the United States second. Under Nixon I learned the truth that the United States Government looks at its people as cannon fodder and not human beings.

President Kennedy looked at us as human beings.

Obama looks at us as cannon fodder.

I haven’t even talked about the what the Government under Obama did to the AP reporters. He thinks he can lie and blame it on some low ranking person when everyone knows he gave the orders to do it and people followed those orders because they didn’t want to know the wrath of Obama upon them. That is 4 items that are coming out about the crimes of Obama. Hopefully Americans in Government of both Political Parties will find the courage and honor to do the right thing and start impeachment hearings.

We must show the people that the American Government does value truth, justice, duty, and has the courage and moral character to punish wrong and evil behavior even if the person doing the wrong and telling the lies is PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.

People complain about BIDEN, but Biden would be better then OBAMA at this point. IT IS A MORAL IMPERATIVE THAT WE SHOW THE WORLD THAT JUSTICE STILL EXISTS IN THIS NATION AND WE STILL HAVE A FREE PRESS WHO WILL MAKE THE PRESIDENT AND HIS GOVERNMENT ACCOUNTABLE FOR THEIR ACTIONS. WITH THE AP STORY, WE ARE TALKING ABOUT THE 1ST AMMENDMENT. IT IS TIME FOR THEM TO STOP LYING AND COVERING UP FOR OBAMA, BUT TO JOIN THE VOICES THAT CALL FOR HIS IMPEACHMENT, EVEN IF IT MEANS BIDEN WILL BECOME PRESIDENT FOR THE REST OF OBAMA’S SECOND TERM. I TRULY BELIEVE IN MY HEART IT IS THE BEST THING FOR THE COUNTRY TO HAVE JOE BIDEN BECOME PRESIDENT AND FINISH OUT OBAMA’S SECOND TERM. SO THAT WE AS A NATION CAN BEGIN TO HEAL THIS NATION AFTER THE DISASTER PRESIDENT OBAMA HAS BEEN. I BELIEVE JOE BIDEN CAN BEGIN TO BRING THIS COUNTRY TOGETHER AND WE CAN MOVE FORWARD AND BEGIN TO TACKLE THE IMPORTANT ISSUES FACING THIS COUNTRY. YES HE IS A DEMOCRAT, BUT I STILL BELIEVE HE HASN’T BEEN GIVEN A FAIR CHANCE TO SHOW THE REAL MAN AND LEADER HE CAN BE.

I THINK BACK ON TRUMAN, WHO DIDN’T LIKE BEING VICE PRESIDENT BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT REALLY IN CHARGE OF ANYTHING. I DON’T THINK BIDEN IS A BIG FOOL AS SOME PAINT HIM OUT TO BE. I BELIEVE THAT FOR THE HONOR OF THE DEMOCRAT PARTY THAT THEY WILL HAVE TO IMPEACH OBAMA AND PUT BIDEN AS PRESIDENT. ALLOWING A FELLOW DEMOCRAT WHO HE APPOINTED AMBASSADOR TO BE TORTUED AND KILLED WHILE YOU ORDER THE TROOPS TO STAND DOWN NOT ONCE BUT 3 TIMES AND THEN FIRE THE GENERALS WHO HAVE A PROBLEM WITH NOT SENDING SUPPORT AND HELP TO AN AMERICAN AMBASSADOR IS UNFORGIVABLE. OBAMA THINKS HE CAN CONTINUE TO LIE, COVER UP, SPIN, THROW AN UNDER PERSON UNDER THE BUS. WE MUST MAKE IT VERY CLEAR TO OBAMA THAT HE CAN’T GET AWAY WITH HIS CRIMES ANYMORE THEN NIXON DID..

IF I SEE THE DEMOCRATS AND THE REPUBLICANS IMPEACH OBAMA AND PUT BIDEN INTO POWER AS PRESIDENT THEN I WILL BEGIN TO HAVE MY FAITH IN THE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT AGAIN. IF OBAMA FINISHES OUT HIS SECOND TERM AND THE SAME OLE SAME OLE OF POLITICAL GAMES AND SPIN CONTINUES AND HE DOESN’T ANSWER FOR HIS CRIMES THAT HE HAS COMMITTED AS PRESIDENT, THEN I WILL CONTINUE TO BE ANGRY AT THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT AND THINK THAT ALL POLITICAL LEADERS OF BOTH POLITICAL PARTIES ( DEMOCRAT AND REPUBLICAN ) ARE COWARDS AND NO LONGER FOLLOW THEIR OATH TO THE CONSITUTION OF THE UNITED STATES. THAT THEIR LOYALITY OATH IS TO OBAMA AND NOT THE CONSITUTION AND THE AMERICAN PEOPLE.

I DON’T KNOW WHY I STILL BELIEVE DEMOCRATS HAVE SOME HONOR LEFT INSIDE OF THEM AND THEIR PARTY? IS IT BECAUSE MY ONLY TWO AMERICAN HEROES IN MY LIFETIME WERE DEMOCRAT? IS IT THAT I REFUSE TO GIVE UP BECAUSE I HATE FAILURE SO MUCH?

I STILL BELIEVE THEIR IS HONOR IN REPUBLCIANS TOO. IS THAT BECAUSE MY DAD WAS A REPUBLICAN?

THERE WAS A TIME WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL THAT AMERICANS WERE AMERICANS AND THEIR POLITICAL PARTY AND VIEW CAME SECOND TO PUTTING AMERICA FIRST AND THE CONSITUTION. HONOR WAS FOUND IN BOTH PARTIES THOUGH THEY HELD A DIFFERENT VIEW. THAT IS GONE NOW. MAYBE WE CAN FIND A WAY TO WORK TOGETHER TO STAND UP FOR A FREE PRESS AND THE FIRST AMMENDMENT?

IF THAT WERE TO HAPPEN IT MIGHT RESTORE MY FAITH, TRUST, RESPECT A LITTLE BIT FOR THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT. THAT IT IS NOT HOPELESS BUT TRUTH, COURAGE, AND DUTY TO THE CONSITUTION DO MATTER AND WHEN IT IS VIOLATED BY CORRUPT PRESIDENTS THEY ARE MADE TO LEAVE OFFICE AND HELD ACCOUNTABLE FOR THEIR EVIL DEEDS AND CRIMES. THEY ARE HELD ACCOUNTABLE FOR EVERY LIE AND COVER UP. THEY ARE HELD ACCOUNTABLE WHEN THEY ABUSE THEIR POWER.

12 more days and then I will be moving out of AZ and back to Kansas in the country. Looking forward to the Smoky River Festival..

Hell Yeah

Love this song. I have always been one to stand up and not afraid to FIGHT… GUESS I AM LOOKING FOR A MAN WHO IS ANOTHER CELTIC WARRIOR. WE BOTH ARE WING PERSON FOR THE OTHER IN THIS LIFE AND KEEP EACH OTHER ON COURSE. I WANT US TO FEEL THAT BEING WITH THE OTHER AND FIGHTING ALONG SIDE OF THE OTHER IN THE MORAL IMPERATIVE BATTLES IN THIS LIFE IS THE BEST DAMN RIDE ONE COULD HAVE EVER IN THIS LIFE.

one of those nights

thunder road

Someday the right man will ask me if I want to be with him and be his helpmate and wing person in this life and I will say hell yeah.

Have a lot to do so will end for now.

2 May 2013

Good morning.

Highway Don’t Care

I wish I didn’t care about Joe so much. I tell myself I don’t care and can walk away and not look back, but I find it is just lying to myself. I DO CARE that because he didn’t really talk to me and give me a chance to prove I was the one telling the truth; that I was not able to bring much needed resources to my FIGHT AGAINST WHITE NATIONALISM. I DO CARE THAT WE FAILED and because of that FAILURE, White Nationalists are growing in numbers…

I WISH I COULD HAVE FOUND AN EFFECTIVE WAY TO COMMUNICATE WITH JOE SO HE UNDERSTOOD THE TRUTH AND WANTED TO DO THE RIGHT THING AND HELP THIS LADY IN DISTRESS. YET, DID JOE REALLY WANT TO SEE THE TRUTH? OR WAS IT EASIER TO PRETEND THAT THE LIES WERE THE TRUTH? AS IT WAS EASIER FOR HIM? SOMETIMES HAVING TO FACE THE TRUTH AND SEE THE TRUTH MEANS YOU HAVE TO MAKE A CHOICE BETWEEN DOING THE RIGHT THING MORALLY, WHICH CAN BE A DIFFICULT PATH; OR PRETENDING THE LIES ARE TRUTH AND TO TAKE THE EASY PATH OF DOING NOTHING.

Hoping that with time, I can come to accept my failure and Joe’s failure..

Maybe with time I can let some other man into my heart and I can love him uncondtionally like I love Joe as my friend? I hope so as I have a lot of quality love to give and would make someone a very LUCKY MAN. AS I WOULD LOVE HIM LIKE HE HAS NEVER BEEN LOVED BEFORE.

Keep on trying to open up and give some other man the chance to WIN MY HEART.

Maybe when I get to the country I will meet a guy who likes to ride horses and country living as much as I do?

Helen asked me why I started to fight WHITE NATIONALISM? I said because of the SEED Joe’s father planted inside of me when I was a little girl. That seed bore the fruit of me knowing I had a moral imperative to fight WHITE NATIONALISTS AND THEIR NEO NAZI HATE.

Talking about childhood dreams and goals, I haven’t shared with anyone yet, but mine was to work for the government and join forces with my hero’s son, and work together as one team… I thought together we made a strong team. He is a powerful speaker while because of the PTSD I have trouble communicating my thoughts and feelings. He would be the voice.. I would be his Celtic muse and help him be the best he could be. I am not stupid.

The way I feel about the American Government now, makes it impossible for me to ever want to work or help them. Joe isn’t the only reason I feel betrayed by the United States Government. Joe is just the icing on the cake. What they did to my father under Nixon is the cake.

The only Government I want to work for now is the British Government. I am not in the UK at this time,so that is unlikely.

Helen asked me how I woke up to the truth about White Nationalism. I told her that Joe brother Max wrote a book of quotes that their dad, my hero, loved. It woke me up. The funny thing is that I started to post and read them to other White Nationalists as I was pondering them. I didn’t tell who said the quotes or where I got them as I knew that it would shut their minds to thinking about them… Everyone who received those quotes and really thought about them, left White Nationalism too.

I had forgotten what my dad and Joe’s dad had taught me as a child. I believe we all do things for a reason and I believe God wanted Max to write that book, as God knew that it would be a tool for good in this life.

Today I am thinking what would my hero want me to do? I know the saying of what would Jesus want me to do, and I am not saying my hero is like God. I am just pondering what his thoughts would be… That is normal to think about what people you admire would think of situations in life. I also am thinking what would my hero Margret Thatcher want me to do.

She was a strong woman who wasn’t afraid to fight. She had courage… She didn’t quit. I don’t like quiting and letting go either, but does there come a time, when we must face the truth, that no matter how hard we try that there will never be victory? I feel that way with Joe and his family, that no matter how hard I try to make them understand the truth and try to talk to them about White Nationalism, that all I am ever going to get is silence and hitting my head on a brick wall, because there is no door or window on that wall.

Joe’s father didn’t like to quit either. We both share the quality of passion and admire people of courage…

How do I give up on my friend? How do I accept that he will never talk to me? How do I accept that he doesn’t care to fight against White Nationalism and neo nazi hate along side of me?

White Nationalists I didn’t fail because of my lack of courage, but because I don’t have the resources to fight you. If a certain friend of my past would find it in his heart to talk to me and decide to join my fight against you, then I would be able to continue my FIGHT against you.

I have a lot to do today… Slowly I will work through my PTSD.

Jackson Brown- For a Dancer

Happy May Day

Good morning. Hope everyone has a great day. Gooing to start with a song.

The Highway Don’t Care

Really love this song. I was lucky to see Tim McGraw in concert with my sister one year and he was great. Taylor Swift I really don’t care for, but I think in this song she sounds good. She tends to be to teeny bopper to me. Glad to see she is singing an adult song and not singing about her ex boyfriends… lol..

She is coming to concert here and the kids have already bought out all the tickets, so that is good. The children have their groups and singers that they like. I was crazy about Barry Cowsil and the Cowsils. I saw them in concert in 1968. Back then Barry or his brother John were on the cover of 16 mag. Bobby Sherman was also popular at that time. Taylor like Barry Cowsil and his family are talented musicans. People make jokes about their talent, but they started out as kids and as they continued with their music developed into song writers that were able to put their message into music.

Sadly Barry Cowsil died in 2005 in New Orleans during Katrina. But both Barry and his brother Bill who is also dead were very talented musicans who were never taken as seriously as they should have been. Taylor seems to be doing a better job of being accepted as an adult then Barry Cowsil did.

Barry Cowsil and the Cowsil in Going Home. One thing I loved about Barry Cowsil was his humor. Some very funny parts. Great song and it shows his talent. Love it when they go home to Fenway Park. They were from New England, Rhode Island, so going home for them was going back to New England.

Barry Cowsil-Some Good Years

Tim McGraw- One of Those Nights.
Great song.

My session with Helen went ok. We talked about my feelings toward the United States Government. I was telling her they don’t exist for me. I turn them off as they lie and are corrupted. I am not angry nor to I hate, but I just ignore them. Can’t trust them, respect them or even have faith at them.. The love I felt under President Kennedy died under Johnson/Nixon and all the rest.

Joe is part of the reason but not the whole reason. What happen to my dad under Nixon when he went for help to the United States Government when he was in Asia and told F you by the government, when they refused to help him played a bigger role. Joe was just the icing on the cake. Sadly Joe has to be part of restoring my trust, faith and respect and even love in the United States Government again. Since I don’t believe he will ever find the courage or compassion to face me and talk to me Catholic to Catholic where we tell each other the truth, and knowing the other person will not use it against us, I don’t hold my breath that I will ever feel toward the United States Government as I did under President Kennedy.

At 14 I learned that it was better to be British then American. That it was better to hold a British Passport then American. That my loyality and love are for the British Government that SAVED my dad, because he was half British because of his parents ( my grandparents).. If it was you, don’t tell me you wouldn’t pick the British Government over the American Government.. If it was the Americans who told her dad f you and refused to save him and it was the Brits who saved his life, you too would love and be more loyal to the British Government.

I don’t dislike Obama as a man but the office he holds. I don’t like any President of the United States since President Kennedy.

We are working on goals. My virtues of truth, courage, honor, and duty are very important to me. As a child, before Johnson and Nixon and all the rest up until today, I thought one could hold those virtues and work in Government. I guess I thought men of moral character like George Washington still existed in the United States Government. I WAS WRONG.

The virtues in the American Government are LYING, CORRUPTION, DISHONOR, AND BETRAYAL. THEY DON’T CARE ABOUT THE PEOPLE. WE ARE ACCEPTABLE DAMAGE TO THEM. WHILE THE BRITS CARE ABOUT THEIR SUBJECTS AND SAVE THEM WHEN THEY ARE IN DANGER AND GIVE THEM A HELPING HAND, THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT TELLS THEIR CITIZENS F YOU. IT ISN’T MY PROBLEM AND ALLOW YOU TO BE KILLED OR SUFFER. WORKING IN GOVERNMENT IS NO LONGER AN OPTION FOR ME, AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE. SINCE JOE WILL NEVER FACE THE TRUTH THAT HE WAS A TERRIBLE CONGRESSMAN WHO MADE A BIG MISTAKE AND WANTS TO TALK TO ME CATHOLIC TO CATHOLIC WITH THE GOAL OF MAKING PEACE BETWEEN US, MY FAITH, TRUST, RESPECT AND LOVE WILL NOT BE RESTORED.

Need more music..

George Strait- Heartland

cross my heart

Someday some wonderful man who I can love uncondtionally will love me uncondtionally too. Then we both will be blessed with what is really important in this life. Uncondtional love is more valuable then riches, power, or fame….

I am moving back to the Heartland and to the country. It was good to see my good friend who I have known for years. We both have really missed each other. She has a couple of horses and her grandson wants to start 4H so I told her I will help him learn about horses. I will be able to start riding again. Those who know me in person know I love horses and being in the saddle riding.

I will be at peace and will just sit back and watch things unfold.. Whatever happens happens.

I am not going to continue to hit my head against the brick wall that I keep finding, because Joe and those who have his power, don’t care about learning about White Nationalism… Yes, I was right to start fighting them and to seek help from someone who acted and pretended to be my friend. HOW CAN I CONTINUE TO FIGHT WHEN NO ONE GIVES A DAMN AND I HAVE NO RESOURCES TO FIGHT WITH? I am not insane. I am strong willed and DON’T LIKE TO GIVE UP, but even I HAVE TO FACE THE TRUTH AT SOME POINT THAT I FALED!!!!!!!!!!!! I FAILED BECAUSE I COULDN’T NOT COMMUICATE IN SUCH A WAY AS TO MAKE JOE AND HIS FAMILY UNDERSTAND THE TRUTH.. PTSD IS A TERRIBLE DISEASE BECAUSE YOU CAN’T SAY THE THINGS YOU NEED AND WANT TO SAY. I take and accept my fault in the failure of not being effective in the FIGHT AGAINST WHITE NATIONALISM….

I AM NOT GOING TO CONTINUE TO FIGHT ALONE, WITHOUT HELP AND RESOURCES…

So you White Nationalists win and are free to continue work toward your goals. Know that my failure to gain much needed support in the fight is because I couldn’t communicate in an effective way to make Joe understand. It wasn’t from my lack of trying or because I was afraid to fight you. I still have the courage to fight, but don’t have the resources.

Have to think about getting ready for my enpowerment group.

30 April 2013

Good morning.  I am back from my trip.

John, I am not approving your comment.  I have posted before that I have moved forward in life and leaving the past behind.  I am letting go of Joe and my fight against WHITE NATIONALISM. 

I CAN’T FIGHT YOU GUYS ALONE, AND I ACCEPT JOE WILL NEVER BE MAN ENOUGH TO FACE ME AND TALK TO ME CATHOLIC TO CATHOLIC AND DO THE RIGHT THING.  THE CALVERY IS NOT COMING NOR BRINGING MUCH NEEDED RESOURCES TO FIGHT YOU WHITE NATIONALISTS FROM ACHIEVING YOUR GOALS…  I ACCEPT DEFEAT… YOU WIN BECAUSE JOE AND I COULDN’T COMMUNICATE WITH EACH OTHER. HE REFUSES TO BE A REAL MAN ADMIT HE WAS WRONG TO TREAT ME THE WAY HE DID AND BECAUSE OF THE PTSD I COULDN’T MAKE HIM UNDERSTAND THE TRUTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As I let go of Joe and accept that I WAS WRONG TO EVER THINK THAT HE WAS A MAN OF HONOR AND TRUTH, AND HAD THE COURAGE TO FIGHT AGAINST EVIL.  I also let go of my FIGHT against you WHITE NATIONALISTS.  I TRIED TO GO TO HIM FOR HELP WHEN HE WAS A CONGRESSMAN AND WAS TOLD, WITHOUT HIM ASKING ONE QUESTION, ” IT ISN’T MY PROBLEM”.  Isn’t great JOE is SO SMART, that he can KNOW WHAT KIND OF HELP I WAS NEEDING AND ASKING HIM FOR WITHOUT ONE QUESTION BEING ASKED.  Joe was not being smart but being ARROGANT AND A JERK.  Do I add idiot?

So because of JOE and I you White Nationalists get a free pass…

I am moving to the country and just going to live life and let go of the PAST.. YOU WHITE NATIONALISTS ALONG WITH JOE ARE JUST PART OF THE NIGHTMARE I WANT TO WAKE UP FROM.

I am healing from the PTSD and LETTING GO OF THE PAIN…

I CAN ACCEPT THAT I FAILED IN TRYING TO GET HELP IN FIGHTING WHITE NATIONALISM….  I TRIED TO DO THE RIGHT THING SO I CAN LIVE WITH MYSELF.  JOE IS THE ONE WHO SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF HIMSELF FOR REFUSING TO HELP A LADY IN DISTRESS, WHO WAS TRYING TO DO THE RIGHT THING IN FIGHTING WHITE NATIONALIST NEO NAZI HATE.  OUR FAILURE TO DO THE RIGHT THING AND FIGHT YOU WHITE NATIONALISTS IS ON JOE AND NOT ME.

Will JOE ever have the COURAGE to FACE ME and TALK TO ME?  I DOUBT IT.

Back to listening to country.  This song was playing as I was driving on the highways this past week.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=isNtEh6nQok

There  is no GOING BACK for me.  It doesn’t matter that I love Joe uncondtionally as my friend… The truth is that he is not worthy of my friendship…  If he had been a true friend he would have asked me WHAT KIND OF HELP DO YOU NEED?  or WHAT IS WRONG?  TO JUST SAY ” IT ISN’T MY PROBLEM” without ASKING ONE QUESTION, SHOWS HE HAD NO REAL FEELINGS OF FRIENDSHIP FOR ME…

I WAS IN DENAIL ALL THESE YEARS BECAUSE I DIDN’T WANT TO FAIL… TO ADMIT TO MYSELF THAT I FAILED IN GETTING HELP IN THE FIGHT AGAINST YOU WHITE NATIONALIST NEO NAZI’S.  I KNEW THAT THE ONLY WAY I COULD EVER WIN THIS FIGHT IS IF JOE JOINED ME IN FIGHTING YOU AND YOUR EVIL.

MY FAILURE IS THAT I COULDN’T MAKE JOE UNDERSTAND OR SEE THE TRUTH, SO YOU WHITE NATIONLIAST WON.

SO YOU SEE JOHN, I WON’T BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT WHITE NATIONALISM ANYMORE.  I GIVE UP THE FIGHT.

THE ONLY WAY I WILL CONTINUE TO FIGHT IS WITH HELP.  WITHOUT ANY HELP YOU WHITE NATIONALISTS WIN.. I WON’T TELL OR SHARE WITH JOE MY VAST KNOWLEGE OF THE RIGHT WING OR WHITE NATIONLAISM.  EVERYDAY JOE WAITS BEFORE HE DOES THE RIGHT THING AND TALK TO ME CATHOLIC TO CATHOLIC WITH THE GOAL OF MAKING PEACE BETWEEN US, IS ANOTHER DAY THAT I AM MOVING FURTHER AND FURTHER AWAY DOWN THE HIGHWAY…

I FEEL SORRY FOR JOE BECAUSE HE WAS A TERRIBLE CONGRESSMAN AND BECAUSE OF HIS ACTIONS AND LACK OF ACTION HE ALLOWED WHITE NATIONALISM TO GROW IN THIS COUNTRY.  HE ALLOWED HIS PERSONAL SELFISHNESS AND PRIDE HIJACK ANY MORAL CHARACTER HE HAD.  I WONDER IF IT WAS WORTH IT IN THE END, FOR HIM TO CAUSE PAIN AND SUFFERING TO PEOPLE FOR HIS PERSONAL GOALS AND REFUSE TO GIVE THEM A CHANCE TO PROVE THEY WERE THE ONES TELLING THE TRUTH AND BRING THEM MUCH NEEDED RESOURCES TO THEIR FIGHT AGAINST THE RIGHT WING AND WHITE NATIONALISM?  HE IS THE ONE WHO HAS TO LIVE WITH HIMSELF THAT HE ALLOWED HIS PRIDE TO STAND IN THE WAY OF ADMITING HE WAS WRONG AND HE DIDN’T KNOW EVERYTHING THERE WAS TO KNOW ABOUT ME.  THAT HE SHOULD HAVE HAD THE COURAGE TO FACE ME, SO THAT HE WOULD BECOME A BETTER MAN…I STILL BELIEVE HIM HAVING TO FACE ME CATHOLIC TO CATHOLIC WILL MAKE HIM A BETTER MAN.  JOE ISN’T MY PROBLEM AS HE HAS MADE IT VERY CLEAR OUR FRIENDSHIP MEANS NOTHING TO HIM AND I DON’T WORK FOR THE MAN SO HE ISN’T MY BOSS.

I see Helen today at 1. 

Have a lot to do today.

Chrisy

 

20 April 2013

Next Saturday I will be in Kansas and it is my mother’s birthday.  She would have been 91 if she hadn’t died earlier this year.  It is going to feel weird not celebrating her birthday with her.  I will do something in her memory.

I am really looking forward to going back to Salina for the weekend, as it has been a long time since I have been home. 

I am moving forward in life and overcoming the emtional blocks that kept me stuck in the past.  I don’t want to fight with anyone anymore.  I just want peace and hopefully know uncondtional love with someone who loves me back the same way.  That best friend who you can tell anything to and know that they will never judge you as you never judge them for anything they say or do.  That person who values you for who you are and doesn’t make you feel terrible or worthless.

I am finally being able to let go of J and White Nationalists.  I finally realized I am not a failure, because I tried to do the right thing and talk to my friend.  There was nothing more that I could do, so it is not my fault that I failed in bringing much needed help and resources to the Battle against White Nationalist Neo Nazi Hate.

Denial is not a good place to be.  Now I am moving into acceptance.  I haven’t skiped the other steps, but have worked through them, even though I never left denial.  You can work more then one step at a time and not necessary in order.

I am not angry, nor do I hate J.. It is not all his fault.  It is part of my fault too for having PTSD and not being able to communicate in a way that made J understand the truth…I left a sign hoping he would come and talk to me, but he never did.

J is not a bad person, I really believe that inside.  J is J and is his own person.  I accept him the way he is and thought we would be good friends who built each other up instead of tearing each other down. To be that safe place for each other as friends where we didn’t have to face verbal abuse.  How can you be angry with someone or hate someone because they don’t understand?

The White Nationalists on the other hand do understand and know exactly what they did and are doing.

As I was saying yesterday with every battle in life, you have to ask yourself is this Battle for the greater good of mankind.. Yes, fighting White Nationalism is one of those fights that at some point people must fight.  So I was not WRONG to start FIGHTING WHITE NATIONALISTS.  I WAS NOT WRONG TO SEEK HELP FROM THE ONLY PERSON IN REAL LIFE THAT I KNEW IN PERSON WHO HAD MUCH NEEDED RESOURCES TO BRING TO THIS JUST BATTLE.

Then the next question is do I have the support and resources needed to fight this Battle and WIN?  The answer to that question is NO.

So I am fighting alone and in vain, because there can be no victory on my part because I don’t have the resources and support needed to WIN.

So in the end, I must give up the fight at some point and admit and face the truth that NO HELP IS COMING.

With my getting healing for the PTSD, I am overcoming one emotional block at a time.  Funny how J and White Nationalism had become one block that I became stuck in and that letting go of J is freeing me of the White Nationalist block too.  This insight I just thought of this morning.

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uqT59dDf8EU&feature=endscreen&NR=1

Guess Who, No Time Left For You

In the City

Next Time I Fall In Love

I am single and am open to falling in love with someone who can really love me as I deserve to be loved. Have taken steps in that direction and I believe that Love will enter my life at some point. Just take things one day at a time and allow someone new to enter my heart and life.

I deserve to have a wonderful man in my life who will love me as much as I love him. Time to embrace the NEW and LET GO OF THE OLD AND TOXIC.

Need to continue my sorting things out.

Chrisy

 

19 April 2013

My thoughts and prayers go to the family and friends of the police officer who died last night in Boston.  I hope they catch the second person soon.

There will be changes coming soon in my life and on my blog.  My life is taking a new direction.  I want peace in my life and not war.  I want to focus on LOVE and not HATE.  I want to live life and not stuck.

There comes a time when one must decide if the battles they are fighting, though they are a moral imperative, are worth fighting because they are battles that can be won.  Does the fight serve the GREATER GOOD OF MANKIND?  Even if it does serve the GREATER GOOD, is it worth the TIME and EFFORT PUT INTO THE BATTLE, BECAUSE YOU HAVE THE RESOURCES AND SUPPORT TO WIN?

Those are just some of the questions I am pondering. 

I am so excited and happy that I am overcoming one block of the PTSD that has kept me stuck all these years and am finally able to move forward.  One block at a time.  I don’t feel any anger, hate, or wish this person any ill in life.  In fact I still love him as my friend, and wish him joy, love, good health and laughter.  Will never give up the hope that someday we can talk and end things on a good note, but that is because I think having to face me Catholic to Catholic and we tell each other the truth and make peace as Catholics will make him a better man.  I have always wanted J to be the best he could be and I still believe that deep down inside is a man who has a heart of compassion and wants to make up for the pain and suffering that people went through because of his actions.  I know Pollyanna, the dreamer, who wants to see the best in all people.  I walk in other people’s shoes.  I try to see things from their side…  That is not going to change.

It is not all J’s fault.  It is not all my fault either.  We are two people who for whatever reason have a problem communicating with each other.  Because of the PTSD I talk in riddles and leave signs hoping that he would come and ask  me about things.  He didn’t understand so he never talked to me and ask me the questions that he should have to get to the truth.  Maybe someday we will both gain more wisdom and understanding as we get older and gain more experience in this life.  I am not stupid, but am self educated.  One doesn’t have to have a fancy degree from some fancy college to be smart.  One gains wisdom from living life and being born with common sense, which I have.

I can’t continue to think on what if.  What if J had given me a chance to prove I was telling the truth and ask him to join my fight against White Nationalism, is not something I should continue to focus on.  The reality is what it is, and I alone can’t continue to fight White Nationalism without any help or support or resources.  I can live with myself because I did try to do the right thing.  I am getting to the place in my life where I want to put all the White Nationalism behind me.  So let us say 5 years for now or even a year from now, J decides to quit running from me and the truth and face things, I may say it is to late, that you missed the boat.  It is sad, but the White Nationalists will get a free pass, because J and I can’t seem to communicate with each other.

I still have some more things to sort out, but I am making a lot of progress and I am letting go of my block, my dreams, and my friendship.

J made me feel worthless that I wasn’t worth anything, but I know that is not true.  I have a heart of gold and many good qualities.  I am loving and sweet and like a Celtic Muse encourage and inspire people with love to be the best they can be.  It is just that J didn’t understand me, because he didn’t want to understand me.  He is like the man who hides behind his newspaper so he doesn’t have to see or listen to the woman.  He lives in his own world and anyone outside of that world, he doesn’t care about as they mean nothing to him.  I realize that he is the one with the problem and not me, as I am and always have been open and willing to have a real conversation and friendship with him.  We are at odds because of his behavior not mine.  I will never let another man make me feel worthless again. 

My sin in all of this is that I enabled my friend to treat me like he did and protect him all these years.  To be in denial because I couldn’t face the truth that I FAILED.  You see, I felt I failed because I tried and tried to bring help to the FIGHT, but I could never bring the much needed resources that J would provide.  I would rather have suffered the mistreatment, abuse, and mental tortue then to ever bring dishonor to him or his family name.  So I allowed him that power over me..  It has taken me many years to realize that I am not to blame for what happen. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IA3ZvCkRkQ

hero

I am the one who has to be the hero and not depend on some man to be the hero..

Have another day sorting out things and packing.

Chrisy

18 April 2013

Good morning.  My thoughts and prayers go out to the people in TX who are suffering because of the explosion.

There are things I could say about other events that are happening in the world, but I won’t.

I am conquering one block of the PTSD and am letting go of someone I should have let go years ago, and would have if I hadn’t been stuck in the trauma I suffered because of trusting and befriending that person, who was nothing more then a selfish person who only thinks of himself and not how his action effect others who have the misfortune to cross his path.  I can finally accept that in my own way I enabled him to get away with his dishonorable behavior.  I was in denial because I couldn’t face the truth that I was wrong about my hero and his family.  Because if my mother and White Nationalists had been right about this family, then they must also be right about their White Nationalist views and everything I was taught in the 60′s must have been wrong.

So I was in denial all these years because I didn’t want to face the truth about J and his family.  I wanted to keep my little girl love, respect and admiration for their father, who was really the only American hero I held in my heart.  I don’t know why I picked him at five years old and felt so strongly that he was a strong man of passion and courage, who valued truth, justice and would have joined the fight against White Nationalism?  I was expecting his son J to be the hero I had hoped his father would have been if he hadn’t been killed in the prime of his life.  Only to be treated the way I was, and even knowing I just wanted the truth from his own lips as two Catholics not using the truth we told against each other, but just being honest and joining forces and doing the right thing and working as one team to fight White Nationalist neo nazi’s.  I couldn’t admit to myself that I had failed.  I can admit that now.

I am not angry with J or hate him.  I still love him as a friend and hope someday he will face the truth and talk to me and we can settle things between us about the house, that day in the barn, and we can find a way to work together to fight White Nationalism which is a moral imperative in life.  Yet, I also know that I am not the PROBLEM, J IS THE PROBLEM.  It doesn’t matter what I do on my side to make things RIGHT between us, it isn’t going to happen because of HIM.

I have a picture that Norman Rockwell painted on my calender for this month.  It has Communication written on the bottom of this picture of a man and woman sitting at the table.  The man has his newspaper in his face so he can’t see or hear the woman.  The woman is willing and ready to see and hear the man and what he has to say, but the man blocks her out and refuses to see or talk to her.  I realized I am like the woman in the picture and J is like the man.  Until J decides to put the paper down, there will be no real communication between us and in any relationship, even friendship, there has to be honest communication between people. 

I am honest with him and just wanted a chance to prove I was telling the truth and would have taken a lie detector test, but he and his family can’t seem to treat me with fairness as I have always tried to treat them in resolving this sitution between us.  Is it because J and his family don’t believe in TRUTH, COURAGE, AND HONOR?

The truth of the matter is I feel sorry and pitty J.  I am not angry or hate him or even wish him ill.  It is sad to me that someone born with all the resources he had, has chosen to become a man who has no heart for others and lacks a good mind to solve the riddles and lacks understanding toward someone who because of the PTSD is hard to understand because I do use riddles to communicate as I want to make sure I can trust someone and not get punished for what I say.  He could have been so much more then he is…

PTSD isn’t about WHAT IS WRONG WITH US, BUT ABOUT WHAT HAPPEN TO US.  IT IS NOT A MENTAL ILLNESS LIKE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY OR EVEN BI POLAR.  It is about people who have known a lot of trauma and stress in their lives and are stuck there because they can’t move forward.

I am letting go now of J and the dream I had of working together to fight White Nationalism.

J made me feel worthless and that I wasn’t worth anything as a human being by the way he treated me that day in the barn.  That I and the American people he represented in Congress, as I have heard other stories by people in his district, were considered acceptable damage in the cost of his personal ambition in life.  It didn’t matter how people were suffering or hurting they were treated by him and his staff with lack of compassion and the same answer of IT ISN’T MY PROBLEM.  One truth he will have to face someday is THAT HE WAS A TERRIBLE CONGRESSMAN….

They say KARMA IS A BITCH.  J is no longer in Congress or hold Political Power in this country.  He is never going to achieve anything in his own right.  He will always be the son of….. and might even be known as the father of, but he will never be known for anything great that effected mankind on his own right.

Yes, I feel sorry for him.

I will be ok.  I might be an aging baby boomer of 55, but I know that I TRIED TO DO THE RIGHT THING!!!!  I CAN LIVE WITH MYSELF, BUT CAN J?  I feel sorry for him, because I believe he is in denial and RUNS FROM THE TRUTH OF HIS ACTIONS because he lacks the courage of an honorable man to FACE THEM. I AM WILLING TO FACE MY MISTAKES AND TELL THE TRUTH AND DO THE RIGHT THING, BUT HE LACKS THE SAME COURAGE.

I ask myself is it just J or is his whole family except for M like that too? M showed me that he was a man of truth and honor and courage when he stood up for me when he knew I was telling the truth. Are the rest of them so self centered in their own lives that they refuse to see the truth about their true situation of closing their eyes and ears to the truth? I had reached out to another brother as I thought maybe he was more like M then J. So far nothing, so I really have to wonder if it is a problem that effects the whole family?

I used to think I was the worthless one and not worthy of them, but not I know I am not worthless and J is not worthy of me. If he can’t see my heart of Gold and my other good qualties, then it is on him and not me. I would rather be me then him, because I have always tried to do the right thing and help others who needed help. J on the other hand hides behind his wall that keeps him from seeing the true condition of people. I live in the real world and J lives in the ivory tower of make believe.

Sweet Freedom

I am beginning to know the taste of sweet freedom, now that J’s chain is being cut off arm. Getting treatment for the PTSD is the saw that is cutting that chain.

White Nationalist women, if you have PTSD too, then I encourage you to take that first step in getting free. I know that there is abuse in White Nationalism.

15 April 2013

Good morning. Been doing a lot of thinking and am cleaning out the people and things in my life that are toxic and not true.. In 30 days I won’t be living here anymore. Don’t know where I will be going. The direction of my life is changing and so will the direction of this blog…

I have been in a dry spell for a long time regarding my Catholic faith. Am trying once again to regain my faith. It is nice singing with the choir again. It is good to feel needed in the music ministry of the church. We are not the greatest musicans, but we sing and play our instruments from the heart and love. The Irish Bodhran sounded really good in our song.

Music education is so important for people of all ages because music is what brings the world together. People of all faiths, races, and cultures love and make music and people of the world enjoy listening to the different kinds of music.

Why does there have to be so much HATE in the world? HATE is found in all faiths, races, and nations. Yet, to many times some HATE is overlooked while others who don’t really HATE are accused of being HATERS. All HATE should be fought against! Why is it that the POLITICALLY CORRECT HATE IGNORNED? If you HATE what is POLITICALLY CORRECT TO HATE you are in denial that you are using a double standard and being a HYPROCRIT. I HAVE ALWAYS DISLIKED HYPROCRITS.

I am starting to read the Catholic Bible again and I was reading last night the wisdom of the world is different then the wisdom of God. That the wisdom of God is pure and seeks peace, but that the wisdom of the world leads to selfish ambition and discord. That is so true. I have always been pure of heart and saw the best in my friend J and have always sought peace and trying to solve things between us as Catholics where we end things on a good note for both of us and our spiritual life as Catholics get better as we seek to solve our differences as Christ and the Chruch would have us do as Catholics. I have sought and been using the wisdom of God in how I have been trying to solve my differences with J. J on the other hand has chosen the wisdom of the world. He allowed his selfish ambition to do things to innocent people who now pay the price of his deeds and his actions have led to discord and anger between us. He refuses to face me Catholic to Catholic and resolve the issues between us Catholic to Catholic as we are commanded to by Christ and the church so that we come to be at peace with each other.

Still haven’t written the letter yet. I have been doing a lot of thinking as those who read my journal blog know. I am getting out of denial now, which is a big step forward. I feel sorry for him, because I don’t believe he will ever know true happiness in this world. It musts be terrible to know deep down inside you caused innocent people who loved you uncondtionally as your friend and believed in you and thought you were a true friend, to suffer and know pain in this life. That you for your own selfish gain lied and pretended to be a friend to someone who was a true friend. And knowing that inspite of everything that they just want you to face them Catholic to Catholic and tell them the truth in a safe place where nothing you say will ever be used against you; but that you don’t have the courage to face them Catholic to Catholic and do the right thing and answer their questions and tell the truth.

I have the courage to face him and tell him the truth. Am even willing to take an lie detector test and answer any question he has. Yet, he doesn’t have the inner strength or moral courage to do the same with me, a girl. I feel sorry for him, because he is in denial and can’t face the truth about himself or me. Is it because J knows I am just the tip of the iceburg of people who by his actions when he served in Congress have led to people living in pain and suffering and their lives ruined by his selfish ambition and greed? Is it because he knows the truth deep down inside that he is a dishonorable man, where truth doesn’t live in him, but only lies and self deceit? Yes, I feel sorry for J and pity him.

What has J gained? Was it worth all the deceit on his end to gain his selfish ambition? Is he really happy to have sold his soul for the few bits of crumbs of power he gained? I think of the Bible verse of what has a man gained by selling his soul for all the riches and power of the world? So yes, I feel sorry and pity J. He could have known the true happiness in the world if he had chosen to be an honest and honorable man who didn’t sell his honor for the few crumbs of power. He would have known the love and respect of family and friends, but instead he has gained their anger( because of the deceit and dishonor on his part) and discord, because the relationships are strained and their is unfinished words that need to be said but won’t ever be said, so as to have real peace between the different people in J’s life who he has hurt by his lack of honor and truth.

This letter that I am assigned to write is taking on a different twist, and maybe that is ok.

I need some music now.

Jackson Browne- For Everyman

At St. Francis in Maine, I used to play this record and other records by Jackson Brown a lot. My friend Annie loved Jackson Browne too.

I love the part where in the song, it talks about with just a few of my friends, I could give up the rest and find something better.

Jackson Browne had the gift to put into music the feelings of my generation in music.

J left me holding the bag, and refused to give me a safe place to hide for a night or two, when I was being abused and mentally tortued over him and his family. You see I feel sorry for J because he has no HEART. HE HAS NO COMPASSION FOR OTHERS. HE HAS THE SAME COMPASSION IN HIS HEART AS HITLER AND DAVID DUKE, WHO BELIEVE THAT COMPASSION AND HELPING OTHERS IN NEED IS WEAK. J likes to paint himself as a decent caring person who cares about people, but the truth is when you are one on one and ask for his help because you are a true LADY IN DISTRESS, you get the answer ” IT ISN’T MY PROBLEM” without one question being asked; like what is wrong or what kind of help do you need.

YOU WILL NOT BE GIVEN THE CHANCE TO PROVE YOU ARE TELLING THE TRUTH OR EXPLAIN YOURSELF. HE IS SELFISH AND LOOKS DOWN ON US PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT IN HIS ELITE CLASS OF BEING IN THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT. THAT IS ONE REASON WHY I DON’T BELIEVE OR TRUST THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT TO DO WHAT IS BEST FOR THE SO CALLED PEOPLE THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO REPRESENT!!! They don’t care about the hell we go through, as all they care about his their selfish ambition and gaining POWER and MONEY. You can I can die as we are acceptable damage….

For a dancer.

J’s dad planted his seed in me, when I was a small child, when he was alive on this earth. The seed bore fruit in me that I now I fight White Nationalist HATE.

I guess I hope that J would be like his father and would want to help me in my just fight against White Nationalism and their neo nazi hate toward Jews and others. Yet, when I finally make it to the point of talking to him one on one, I find a man without a heart or the mind to see the truth about me and understand that everything said or written about someone is the truth, but that you have to give them the chance to prove they are telling the truth and explain themselves. I had the heart and mind to understand that concept and have always tried to be fair and give him that chance, but he has REFUSED to treat me with the same FAIRNESS AND HONOR as I HAVE ALWAYS TRIED TO TREAT HIM.

I think the denial about J being an dishonorable man came about because I couldn’t admit to myself that the son of my childhood hero was the ENEMY to TRUTH AND jUSTICE; but had chosen the side of LIES AND EVIL DEEDS. When all you care about is WHAT YOU WANT and YOUR OWN SELFISH AMBITION AND YOU ARE WILLING TO USE LIES AND DECEPTION TO GAIN YOUR GOAL, IN MY EYES YOU BECOME THE ENEMY OF TRUTH AND JUSTICE AND HONOR.

I couldn’t face the fact that maybe my hero was not the man I thought he was and his son J reflected his true values and disregard for the COMMON MAN/WOMAN IN THIS COUNTRY. I couldn’t face that maybe my mother and other White Nationalists were RIGHT about HIM. Because if they were right about my childhood hero, were they also right about the Jews?

It would have met that everything I was taught as a child in the 60′s was ONE BIG LIE.

Somebody’s baby

I am not going to give up thinking that somewhere out there God will provide me a door to walk through. That he will bring me help and something good will happen in my life.

Have things to do.

Will try to write the letter for my assignment later.

Chrisy

12 April 2013

Good morning.  I have a pending comment but I don’t have time this morning to deal with it, so will deal with it later.  Have a busy day and the small amount of time I have this morning while having my coffee and toast, I have to work on my assignment for the week for my PTSD therapy.

J is a emotional block for me as what I went through over him and by him really was so tramatic that I have become stuck emotionally.  He is part of the PTSD.  It isn’t all his fault and I don’t hate him or blame him.  Just stating a fact.

The writing assignment is to put into J’s words what I hope he would say to me when we have a chance to meet and talk.  I have tried writing letter of what I want to say to him and then burn it exercise and it didn’t work.  Still blocked emotionally and stuck in that time warp.

I think one of the things that keeps me blocked is I am in denial.  I don’t want to admit that the family and son of my childhood hero is dishonorable.  How do I accept that J is nothing like his father and my hero was an honorable man who had compassion and would have helped a true lady in distress and join my fight against White Nationalism?  Or that J is just like his father and I was wrong about my hero and everything I ever believed about him was wrong? 

Denial is a deadly place to be, because you can’t move forward but am stuck.  I believed what my childhood hero taught about fighting the moral imperatives.  That Truth and courage were values that we should all cherish and strive for.  To stand up and fight for what we believe in.  That it is right to look at the world and think what can I do to make it a better world and if we join with others that we can be a wave of change for good.

Either way I have to accept that someone I loved is not the man I thought they were.  Either J has turned his back on all the good his father tried to teach him or his father wasn’t the honorable man of truth and courage I thought he was in the 60′s as a child, who he planted his seed in.  And have the seed bear fruit in that I fight against White Nationalism.

So I am in denial.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hbrn9eXEKWk

The Youngbloods- Get Together

Will play songs from the 60′s today.  I loved the 60′s and am glad I am a baby boomer who was a youth during that time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=fvwp&NR=1&v=gp5JCrSXkJY

Buffalo Springfield- For what it is worth

Both those songs really spoke to me in the 60′s.  I had the records which I played and played over and over.  Back then you could buy just single records of the song and another song on the back.

Oh, choir practice was really great last night.  I fit right in and am really happy to be singing again in with a group.  In one of the songs we are singing this Sunday in mass, we are using an Irish Bodhran.  I was telling how I am learning how to play the bodhran too.  I think it is cool how we are using the bodhran in music for church.

Back to the writing assignment.

I don’t want J to say he is sorry, but it would be nice if he admited that he lacked compassion and truth.  That he should have at least talked to me and allowed me to have a chance to prove I was telling the truth and to explain myself. 

People tend to think of themselves only and don’t think or even care about the effects of their actions on others who have to deal with the results of that behavior.  I don’t blame him for the house deal because I took the gamble that if I helped him out as a friend, so he would have the house sold by the certain date he needed that he would help me out with giving me safe place to stay because of abuse and allow me to talk to him about the HATE of the RIGHT WING and WHITE NATIONALISM  and JOIN THE FIGHT.    You know where you help someone and they help you in return when you need help.  I took the risk that J was an honorable man who felt the same friendship for me as I felt for him and his family.  I LOST the gamble.

I do think that if he was a true man of honor that he would give me the money back I paid for that money pit.  I don’t want any less or more.  I want just the exact amount that I paid for that house.  I am not going to go into details about why he was wrong to do what he did in regarding that house.  That is something I want to talk to him about in person.

Trying to put my thoughts into this letter of J’s words to me that I would hope he would say is difficult.  I am still working on the solutions I would hope that together we could work out, so that both J and I can end things on a very good note with each other.  I don’t wish my friend any bad thoughts.  I wish him love, happiness, good health and laughter.  I hope in time we can work together in fighting White Nationalist neo nazi hate.  I have always tried to treat J fair and hoped he would treat me fair as well.

I am J’s friend and always will be inspite of how he treats me.  So it is not on me what has happen and the destruction of our friendship to the point it is now.  Yet, being stuck in PTSD emotional hell is not where I want to be.  I want to move on and embrace the life I was born for. We are all born with a destiny.  I want to see both J and I fulfill the destiny we were both born for and make a difference for good in the world.  He has a chance to do more then what he is doing now, but will he take that chance and talk to me and join the fight against White Nationalism.  Will he stand and be the hero I believe he can be?

Even if J never does the right thing and talk to me I will continue to fight against White Nationalism.  I may just be one baby boomer woman, but I will continue to fight for the moral imperatives in life.  I will continue to believe in truth and courage and striving to have those values as part of my moral character.

Maybe one mistake I made was trusting in man to help and not in God to send the person that He wanted to help me.  I chose J and maybe once I am healed of J as a emotional block of my PTSD, I will meet the man that God wants me to join forces and fight with against White Nationalism Hate?

At least now I am working on removing at least one of my emotional blocks of the PTSD that have caused me to be stuck.

Will continue to work on my letter. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-2GmzyeeXnQ

The Kinks- You really got me.

Great group and song.

Have a great day everyone.

Chrisy

 

 

10 April 2013

Today is Enpowerment Group.  Yesterday we had a good session and I am making progress.  I am stuck and blocked emtionally which is what PTSD is.. Being stuck and not being able to move forward and let go of very bad trauma that happen to you in this life.

John, I did see your comment.  I am not approving it yet, because I strive to not speak in anger.  It is a strong person who can wait to speak until they can speak or write to the other person with respect and not talk at them with insults as you like to do to me.

I do not strive to please Progressives as you accuse me of, but stand firm for what I believe. I am not afraid to tell Progressives the truth, even if it means I get their wrath directed at me for daring to stand for truth and honor.  I am not afraid to call them out on the times I feel they have acted with dishonor instead of honor.  Yet, I will defend a Progressive friend who I believe is being attacked unfairly and has his comments taken out of context.

Funny you should make a comment about me trying to please the Progressives and seak their approval, when the truth of the matter is that I have anger/passion toward my Progressive friend.  It is just I choose to not scream, accuse, or blame my Progressive friend who I feel betrayed me and our friendship by his actions and lack of actions toward me when I went to him that day for help in the barn to ask for a safe place to hide for a few days, to get my strength back, because I was being abused over him to the point I almost died.  Only to be told  IT WASN’T HIS PROBLEM without one question being asked.  I am not weak as some people think because I didn’t scream, yell, blame, or even seek to destroy him.. I am strong because I didn’t speak and will aways seek and hope we try to talk things out at a later date when I could calmly talk to him and not at him.  To continue to value this person as a friend and to choose truth over revenge.  All I ever wanted was this man to talk to me Catholic to Catholic and we tell each other the truth.  No getting even or revenge, just speaking the truth and then afterward giving each other the sign of peace and moving forward on a good note with each other.  I can overlook his sins and I ask that he overlook mine.

I also know that I am his true and loyal friend who loves him uncondtionally as a friend, and that he is not my friend.  He doesn’t know the meaning of friendship.  It is not all his fault as he has never meant anyone like me.  I am not sure he has ever had a friend like me in his life..

At the same time I am working on this block in my life.  J is part of the PTSD block.  I almost died and have a lot of unresolved feelings.  It would be nice if he would find the courage to face me and we talk, but he can’t.. I guess I have to face the fact that he can’t face me because he feels guilty over how he treated me. 

I wish he would realize that he doesn’t have to feel guilty, but that he has a chance to do the right thing and be the hero who helps someone who really needed his helping hand and still does because of my fight against White Nationalism.

I think a part of me is stuck because to accept that J is a man of dishonor to treat me like he did and continues to treat me by his not facing me and talking to me and we tell each other the truth without fear the truth being used against us; is to have to accept that my child hood hero’s family is not the family who believes in truth, courage, honor, or fighting for the moral imperatives in life.  To me fighting against White Nationalism is a moral imperative.  There are alot of other moral imperatives that one must fight for.  To fight against the effect of climate change is a moral imperataive too if we want to leave the children today a better world for tomorrow.  I know John, you White Nationalists don’t believe in climate change being a urgent problem but the low birth rate for Whites.

I am working on getting unblocked.  I have many emotional blocks because of abuse and trauma that I have to work through.  One block at a time.  Just because I realize J is a block to me and part of the PTSD doesn’t mean I’m healed overnight because now comes the hard part of accepting the truth that I don’t want to accept about my friend and the son of my childhood hero, that he is not a man of truth, courage, honor, and strength, but he is dishonorable, weak and doesn’t believe in truth, because he is afraid to face the truth and speak the truth to me knowing that I will never use it against him.  I just want to hear the truth from his own lips Catholic to Catholic and we then give each other the sign of peace and move forward and never talk about that bad behavior on both of our parts ever again.

We have unfinished business between us.  I hope we can resolve it in a way that is good for both of us.  It is easy to hate like you White Nationalists and my mother hated.  It takes a strong person to see the truth and choose to move forward, because they know that we all make mistakes and the most important thing is that they had the courage to look you in the eyes and tell you the truth.  I admire people who like me would rather have the truth then revenge or anger.

All I can do is continue on my path of healing and take one day at a time.  It may take me another year or two to get fully healed from the PTSD, but I am making progress.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P5vz6iwV38U

Michael Jackson- Man in the mirror

Need to go and get ready for Group.

White Nationalist women, there is a better place out there then your White Nationalist WORLD..    It is not easy to leave or even to begin the journey of healing from the PTSD that many of you have because of abuse.  Yet, with every step you take the better you begin to feel and your mind becomes stronger and more clear.  You begin to see the White Nationalist truth is really one big LIE.