3 May 2013

Good morning. Hope everyone has a great day.

Will continue to work on getting things sorted and get everything ready for the move. It is starting to get really hot here so am happy that I have less then a month to go.

I have a good friend moving to VA this weekend. She is happy to be getting out of the AZ heat too. She will like VA as it is very beautiful there. Wish her a safe trip. I know she will be very happy..

I started to binge eat yesterday, but that is because of emotions. Why is it that some men think they can get women to send them money or expensive items by sweet talking them? I have fallen for those tricks before and aren’t falling for them again. They think that by saying I love you to an ugly girl that she will give them material goods.

They act like they like you and you can trust them and then will you buy me this or that?

I know I am not beautiful. Never was and never will be. I am ok with that and can live with not having a man in my life. I would love to find the right man and find true love.. Every human being alive on the planet would like to love and be loved unconditionally and have someone to walk along side of in this life. I am no different and have those same feelings. Maybe someday I will meet a man that is not the most handsome man on the planet but who has a good heart and is honest and is ok with a woman who is not the most beautiful woman on the planet who has a good heart and is honest?

I am not going to buy a man!!!! If one has to buy a man so they are not alone in this life, then there is no real love between them. I would rather have five minutes of a true relationship then 5 years in a relationship based on you having the money to buy the man the material goods he wants or a one way ticket to America because he is trying to flee Greece.

Where I am going, I think I will have a better selection of men to choose from. Those who love horses and we can race each other on horses and even 4 wheel drives.. My horses Jet and Tia were really fast. I thought about racing someone on a 4 wheeler once and asked how fast he thought his 4 wheeler would go. Who love dirt bikes and don’t mind getting dirty. There will be country men where I am moving too that like pick up trucks and getting mud on the tires, lol..

Who likes country living better then city living. Who would rather be out in the middle of no where so you can see the stars and the moon in the night sky without a lot of city lights getting in the way. Who like camping and being outdoors enjoying nature then being stuck in some city that is smelly, noisy, and people can’t relax because they are always in a hurry to get somewhere else..

If someone can’t see that beauty on the inside makes a person beautiful on the outside, then he isn’t worthy of me. I have a heart of Gold and a beautiful smile and that inner beauty makes me beautiful on the outside.

Some women can be the most beautiful person on the outside but inside have no heart. They are ugly inside and that at some point makes them ugly on the outside. I would think men would rather be with someone who is beautiful on the inside who they know will treat them right, then someone who is a beauty on the outside only?

Maybe it is only me, but I would rather be with a man who is handsome on the inside and I know will treat me right then someone who is handsome only on the outside and inside is an ugly person because he has no heart.

Janis Ian- At Seventeen

Old song, but it fit the mood I am in today.

One of the goals I am working on in empowerment group is to be able to look in a mirror and think I look good in an outfit.

I like the line in the song where she says that dreams were all they gave to ugly girls like me. That is true.

It is American men who have my whole life made me feel I was to ugly to love. The British men have always made me feel pretty in their eyes, but I guess it is because I look like my British Grandmum so my looks appeal more to Brits then Americans. I keep on hoping that there are American men who can value me for the woman I am.

I love British men, because they look at the whole package. American men I have known in my life in a romantic way only look at the outside. I remember listening to them whining about being hurt by women who were beautiful on the outside but just using them for money and material things. Yet, the women who are not as pretty but have a beautiful heart and would treat them right and be good helpmates in life are left sitting at home,as American men want the beauty queen over the nice girl who would make them happy because she loves them for who they are as people and not what material things they can give her.

I had a chance to be loved by a nice guy who was in England. We both have the English look so to me he was handsome and to him I was pretty. Yet, him being in Surry and me being in America stopped us from going to the next level. I think that is one reason my mother wanted me to go to the UK and spend some time… I haven’t given up that dream, as it would be nice to spend time with my own people of my own heritage and culture.

The Daughters of the British Empire have a nice and active chapter in KS so I am going to try and rejoin them as it will be nice to meet and spend time with other British woman.. Plus they help the British Vets, which is very important to me.

I am not going to be rejoining the Daughters of the American Revolution as I don’t fit in with them. I can’t support the United States Government so I am not going to pretend that I have a love fest when I think the American Government is corrupted and full of lying scum bags. I have good reason to not think highly of those who serve in the United States Government, which in turns makes me think badly of the United States Government. If the men who serve in them are evil men, then the Government is evil, isn’t it?

People can only get away with lying and corruption for so long, before good people know they can’t trust them or their government.

The Government today is not the same Government my ancestors on my mother’s side founded.

Jackson Browne- For A Dancer

Need a little Jackson Browne this morning. I wore out this album too along with For Everyman at St Francis as Anne and I both loved Jackson Browne and his music really spoke what was in our hearts…

Jackson Browne- I thought I was a child

Sing my song/For everyman

Need to get going.

2 May 2013

Good morning.

Highway Don’t Care

I wish I didn’t care about Joe so much. I tell myself I don’t care and can walk away and not look back, but I find it is just lying to myself. I DO CARE that because he didn’t really talk to me and give me a chance to prove I was the one telling the truth; that I was not able to bring much needed resources to my FIGHT AGAINST WHITE NATIONALISM. I DO CARE THAT WE FAILED and because of that FAILURE, White Nationalists are growing in numbers…

I WISH I COULD HAVE FOUND AN EFFECTIVE WAY TO COMMUNICATE WITH JOE SO HE UNDERSTOOD THE TRUTH AND WANTED TO DO THE RIGHT THING AND HELP THIS LADY IN DISTRESS. YET, DID JOE REALLY WANT TO SEE THE TRUTH? OR WAS IT EASIER TO PRETEND THAT THE LIES WERE THE TRUTH? AS IT WAS EASIER FOR HIM? SOMETIMES HAVING TO FACE THE TRUTH AND SEE THE TRUTH MEANS YOU HAVE TO MAKE A CHOICE BETWEEN DOING THE RIGHT THING MORALLY, WHICH CAN BE A DIFFICULT PATH; OR PRETENDING THE LIES ARE TRUTH AND TO TAKE THE EASY PATH OF DOING NOTHING.

Hoping that with time, I can come to accept my failure and Joe’s failure..

Maybe with time I can let some other man into my heart and I can love him uncondtionally like I love Joe as my friend? I hope so as I have a lot of quality love to give and would make someone a very LUCKY MAN. AS I WOULD LOVE HIM LIKE HE HAS NEVER BEEN LOVED BEFORE.

Keep on trying to open up and give some other man the chance to WIN MY HEART.

Maybe when I get to the country I will meet a guy who likes to ride horses and country living as much as I do?

Helen asked me why I started to fight WHITE NATIONALISM? I said because of the SEED Joe’s father planted inside of me when I was a little girl. That seed bore the fruit of me knowing I had a moral imperative to fight WHITE NATIONALISTS AND THEIR NEO NAZI HATE.

Talking about childhood dreams and goals, I haven’t shared with anyone yet, but mine was to work for the government and join forces with my hero’s son, and work together as one team… I thought together we made a strong team. He is a powerful speaker while because of the PTSD I have trouble communicating my thoughts and feelings. He would be the voice.. I would be his Celtic muse and help him be the best he could be. I am not stupid.

The way I feel about the American Government now, makes it impossible for me to ever want to work or help them. Joe isn’t the only reason I feel betrayed by the United States Government. Joe is just the icing on the cake. What they did to my father under Nixon is the cake.

The only Government I want to work for now is the British Government. I am not in the UK at this time,so that is unlikely.

Helen asked me how I woke up to the truth about White Nationalism. I told her that Joe brother Max wrote a book of quotes that their dad, my hero, loved. It woke me up. The funny thing is that I started to post and read them to other White Nationalists as I was pondering them. I didn’t tell who said the quotes or where I got them as I knew that it would shut their minds to thinking about them… Everyone who received those quotes and really thought about them, left White Nationalism too.

I had forgotten what my dad and Joe’s dad had taught me as a child. I believe we all do things for a reason and I believe God wanted Max to write that book, as God knew that it would be a tool for good in this life.

Today I am thinking what would my hero want me to do? I know the saying of what would Jesus want me to do, and I am not saying my hero is like God. I am just pondering what his thoughts would be… That is normal to think about what people you admire would think of situations in life. I also am thinking what would my hero Margret Thatcher want me to do.

She was a strong woman who wasn’t afraid to fight. She had courage… She didn’t quit. I don’t like quiting and letting go either, but does there come a time, when we must face the truth, that no matter how hard we try that there will never be victory? I feel that way with Joe and his family, that no matter how hard I try to make them understand the truth and try to talk to them about White Nationalism, that all I am ever going to get is silence and hitting my head on a brick wall, because there is no door or window on that wall.

Joe’s father didn’t like to quit either. We both share the quality of passion and admire people of courage…

How do I give up on my friend? How do I accept that he will never talk to me? How do I accept that he doesn’t care to fight against White Nationalism and neo nazi hate along side of me?

White Nationalists I didn’t fail because of my lack of courage, but because I don’t have the resources to fight you. If a certain friend of my past would find it in his heart to talk to me and decide to join my fight against you, then I would be able to continue my FIGHT against you.

I have a lot to do today… Slowly I will work through my PTSD.

Jackson Brown- For a Dancer

Happy May Day

Good morning. Hope everyone has a great day. Gooing to start with a song.

The Highway Don’t Care

Really love this song. I was lucky to see Tim McGraw in concert with my sister one year and he was great. Taylor Swift I really don’t care for, but I think in this song she sounds good. She tends to be to teeny bopper to me. Glad to see she is singing an adult song and not singing about her ex boyfriends… lol..

She is coming to concert here and the kids have already bought out all the tickets, so that is good. The children have their groups and singers that they like. I was crazy about Barry Cowsil and the Cowsils. I saw them in concert in 1968. Back then Barry or his brother John were on the cover of 16 mag. Bobby Sherman was also popular at that time. Taylor like Barry Cowsil and his family are talented musicans. People make jokes about their talent, but they started out as kids and as they continued with their music developed into song writers that were able to put their message into music.

Sadly Barry Cowsil died in 2005 in New Orleans during Katrina. But both Barry and his brother Bill who is also dead were very talented musicans who were never taken as seriously as they should have been. Taylor seems to be doing a better job of being accepted as an adult then Barry Cowsil did.

Barry Cowsil and the Cowsil in Going Home. One thing I loved about Barry Cowsil was his humor. Some very funny parts. Great song and it shows his talent. Love it when they go home to Fenway Park. They were from New England, Rhode Island, so going home for them was going back to New England.

Barry Cowsil-Some Good Years

Tim McGraw- One of Those Nights.
Great song.

My session with Helen went ok. We talked about my feelings toward the United States Government. I was telling her they don’t exist for me. I turn them off as they lie and are corrupted. I am not angry nor to I hate, but I just ignore them. Can’t trust them, respect them or even have faith at them.. The love I felt under President Kennedy died under Johnson/Nixon and all the rest.

Joe is part of the reason but not the whole reason. What happen to my dad under Nixon when he went for help to the United States Government when he was in Asia and told F you by the government, when they refused to help him played a bigger role. Joe was just the icing on the cake. Sadly Joe has to be part of restoring my trust, faith and respect and even love in the United States Government again. Since I don’t believe he will ever find the courage or compassion to face me and talk to me Catholic to Catholic where we tell each other the truth, and knowing the other person will not use it against us, I don’t hold my breath that I will ever feel toward the United States Government as I did under President Kennedy.

At 14 I learned that it was better to be British then American. That it was better to hold a British Passport then American. That my loyality and love are for the British Government that SAVED my dad, because he was half British because of his parents ( my grandparents).. If it was you, don’t tell me you wouldn’t pick the British Government over the American Government.. If it was the Americans who told her dad f you and refused to save him and it was the Brits who saved his life, you too would love and be more loyal to the British Government.

I don’t dislike Obama as a man but the office he holds. I don’t like any President of the United States since President Kennedy.

We are working on goals. My virtues of truth, courage, honor, and duty are very important to me. As a child, before Johnson and Nixon and all the rest up until today, I thought one could hold those virtues and work in Government. I guess I thought men of moral character like George Washington still existed in the United States Government. I WAS WRONG.

The virtues in the American Government are LYING, CORRUPTION, DISHONOR, AND BETRAYAL. THEY DON’T CARE ABOUT THE PEOPLE. WE ARE ACCEPTABLE DAMAGE TO THEM. WHILE THE BRITS CARE ABOUT THEIR SUBJECTS AND SAVE THEM WHEN THEY ARE IN DANGER AND GIVE THEM A HELPING HAND, THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT TELLS THEIR CITIZENS F YOU. IT ISN’T MY PROBLEM AND ALLOW YOU TO BE KILLED OR SUFFER. WORKING IN GOVERNMENT IS NO LONGER AN OPTION FOR ME, AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE. SINCE JOE WILL NEVER FACE THE TRUTH THAT HE WAS A TERRIBLE CONGRESSMAN WHO MADE A BIG MISTAKE AND WANTS TO TALK TO ME CATHOLIC TO CATHOLIC WITH THE GOAL OF MAKING PEACE BETWEEN US, MY FAITH, TRUST, RESPECT AND LOVE WILL NOT BE RESTORED.

Need more music..

George Strait- Heartland

cross my heart

Someday some wonderful man who I can love uncondtionally will love me uncondtionally too. Then we both will be blessed with what is really important in this life. Uncondtional love is more valuable then riches, power, or fame….

I am moving back to the Heartland and to the country. It was good to see my good friend who I have known for years. We both have really missed each other. She has a couple of horses and her grandson wants to start 4H so I told her I will help him learn about horses. I will be able to start riding again. Those who know me in person know I love horses and being in the saddle riding.

I will be at peace and will just sit back and watch things unfold.. Whatever happens happens.

I am not going to continue to hit my head against the brick wall that I keep finding, because Joe and those who have his power, don’t care about learning about White Nationalism… Yes, I was right to start fighting them and to seek help from someone who acted and pretended to be my friend. HOW CAN I CONTINUE TO FIGHT WHEN NO ONE GIVES A DAMN AND I HAVE NO RESOURCES TO FIGHT WITH? I am not insane. I am strong willed and DON’T LIKE TO GIVE UP, but even I HAVE TO FACE THE TRUTH AT SOME POINT THAT I FALED!!!!!!!!!!!! I FAILED BECAUSE I COULDN’T NOT COMMUICATE IN SUCH A WAY AS TO MAKE JOE AND HIS FAMILY UNDERSTAND THE TRUTH.. PTSD IS A TERRIBLE DISEASE BECAUSE YOU CAN’T SAY THE THINGS YOU NEED AND WANT TO SAY. I take and accept my fault in the failure of not being effective in the FIGHT AGAINST WHITE NATIONALISM….

I AM NOT GOING TO CONTINUE TO FIGHT ALONE, WITHOUT HELP AND RESOURCES…

So you White Nationalists win and are free to continue work toward your goals. Know that my failure to gain much needed support in the fight is because I couldn’t communicate in an effective way to make Joe understand. It wasn’t from my lack of trying or because I was afraid to fight you. I still have the courage to fight, but don’t have the resources.

Have to think about getting ready for my enpowerment group.

21 April 2013

Good morning. Want to start out with a song by Jackson Browne

For a dancer

I love the music of Jackson Browne as he was part of my youth. He put into music the thoughts of my heart. Music has always been very important to me because I sing and like to play instruments. He lyrics were always so poetic. He is a very talented song writer. Wish he would come out with more songs and be a voice for this time as there is so much going on in the world. Maybe someday I will get to see him in concert or even sing with him.

In Salina Steve Greene came to concert and he went to all the churches for back up singers and it was so much fun being on stage and singing in the choir in three of his songs.. It was an honor to feel good enough to actually sing with a professional musican of gospel music. That was a top moment in my life. We all have top moments in our lives and that was one of my top five moments.

For everyman

I played this song so much, I must have drove the other girls in the dorm at St Franics crazy. That is ok, as Marjorie played Jefferson Starship over and over, lol.

Last night I had a strange dream. I dreamed of J and his father. He was a little boy.. It is strange because I have been making progress of letting him go, but he is still in my dreams. I am very sensitive and have very vivid dreams and sometimes know things are happening or going to happen before they actually happen. Some people would call that a gift.

I might still be dreaming of J and his dad because he is still in my heart and I haven’t totally given up the belief in my friend that once he understands the truth, that he will step up to the plate and do the right thing and face me and talk to me Catholic to Catholic and we end things between us on a good note, as we should if we believe and want to practice our Catholic faith as we should. Seeking peace between us is the right thing for us to do as Catholics.

White Nationalists and Right Wing be warned. J is my friend and I can speak things about him that are not very nice, but heaven help you if you do. If I feel you ever are attacking him unfairly and twisting his words out of context like what happen when he made a statement about the death of a Political Leader in another Nation; I will fight to protect and defend him to the death. You know the saying you can say something about your family member that isn’t very nice but true, but no one else can.

He is my friend and we have unfinished business between us and things that need to be said. You are not in that same situation and I will go after anyone who tries and hurts my friend. I still protect and defend him as a true and loyal friend.

At the same time, I am not going to continue to be stuck in PTSD HELL.. I am moving forward and have started to open my heart to another person. I take it one day at a time. He seems to value me and my heart of GOLD and likes that I am old fashion.. He understands that I am waiting for the right man. Yet, I enjoy texting him. We haven’t even talked on the phone yet.

I am not sure if the dream is telling me not to give up on J or his dad my hero? That J does have what it takes to fight White Nationalism and all RACISM along side of me? That he does have courage?

Funny isn’t it that as I am opening up and moving forward that I am dreaming of J and his dad. I am sure my feelings will be revealed in time. I don’t give up and I will continue forward on my journey to heal from the PTSD and remove the emotional blocks that have kept me stuck for all these years and kept me from living my life.

Need to think about getting ready for mass. This choir is so different then St. Stevens. I am glad I decided to take the step and join the choir and be part of the music minstry again. My faith is coming back. It has been a very big struggle for many years.

I think the tapes that Jeff put in my head are finally being erased too.

Chrisy

15 April 2013

Good morning. Been doing a lot of thinking and am cleaning out the people and things in my life that are toxic and not true.. In 30 days I won’t be living here anymore. Don’t know where I will be going. The direction of my life is changing and so will the direction of this blog…

I have been in a dry spell for a long time regarding my Catholic faith. Am trying once again to regain my faith. It is nice singing with the choir again. It is good to feel needed in the music ministry of the church. We are not the greatest musicans, but we sing and play our instruments from the heart and love. The Irish Bodhran sounded really good in our song.

Music education is so important for people of all ages because music is what brings the world together. People of all faiths, races, and cultures love and make music and people of the world enjoy listening to the different kinds of music.

Why does there have to be so much HATE in the world? HATE is found in all faiths, races, and nations. Yet, to many times some HATE is overlooked while others who don’t really HATE are accused of being HATERS. All HATE should be fought against! Why is it that the POLITICALLY CORRECT HATE IGNORNED? If you HATE what is POLITICALLY CORRECT TO HATE you are in denial that you are using a double standard and being a HYPROCRIT. I HAVE ALWAYS DISLIKED HYPROCRITS.

I am starting to read the Catholic Bible again and I was reading last night the wisdom of the world is different then the wisdom of God. That the wisdom of God is pure and seeks peace, but that the wisdom of the world leads to selfish ambition and discord. That is so true. I have always been pure of heart and saw the best in my friend J and have always sought peace and trying to solve things between us as Catholics where we end things on a good note for both of us and our spiritual life as Catholics get better as we seek to solve our differences as Christ and the Chruch would have us do as Catholics. I have sought and been using the wisdom of God in how I have been trying to solve my differences with J. J on the other hand has chosen the wisdom of the world. He allowed his selfish ambition to do things to innocent people who now pay the price of his deeds and his actions have led to discord and anger between us. He refuses to face me Catholic to Catholic and resolve the issues between us Catholic to Catholic as we are commanded to by Christ and the church so that we come to be at peace with each other.

Still haven’t written the letter yet. I have been doing a lot of thinking as those who read my journal blog know. I am getting out of denial now, which is a big step forward. I feel sorry for him, because I don’t believe he will ever know true happiness in this world. It musts be terrible to know deep down inside you caused innocent people who loved you uncondtionally as your friend and believed in you and thought you were a true friend, to suffer and know pain in this life. That you for your own selfish gain lied and pretended to be a friend to someone who was a true friend. And knowing that inspite of everything that they just want you to face them Catholic to Catholic and tell them the truth in a safe place where nothing you say will ever be used against you; but that you don’t have the courage to face them Catholic to Catholic and do the right thing and answer their questions and tell the truth.

I have the courage to face him and tell him the truth. Am even willing to take an lie detector test and answer any question he has. Yet, he doesn’t have the inner strength or moral courage to do the same with me, a girl. I feel sorry for him, because he is in denial and can’t face the truth about himself or me. Is it because J knows I am just the tip of the iceburg of people who by his actions when he served in Congress have led to people living in pain and suffering and their lives ruined by his selfish ambition and greed? Is it because he knows the truth deep down inside that he is a dishonorable man, where truth doesn’t live in him, but only lies and self deceit? Yes, I feel sorry for J and pity him.

What has J gained? Was it worth all the deceit on his end to gain his selfish ambition? Is he really happy to have sold his soul for the few bits of crumbs of power he gained? I think of the Bible verse of what has a man gained by selling his soul for all the riches and power of the world? So yes, I feel sorry and pity J. He could have known the true happiness in the world if he had chosen to be an honest and honorable man who didn’t sell his honor for the few crumbs of power. He would have known the love and respect of family and friends, but instead he has gained their anger( because of the deceit and dishonor on his part) and discord, because the relationships are strained and their is unfinished words that need to be said but won’t ever be said, so as to have real peace between the different people in J’s life who he has hurt by his lack of honor and truth.

This letter that I am assigned to write is taking on a different twist, and maybe that is ok.

I need some music now.

Jackson Browne- For Everyman

At St. Francis in Maine, I used to play this record and other records by Jackson Brown a lot. My friend Annie loved Jackson Browne too.

I love the part where in the song, it talks about with just a few of my friends, I could give up the rest and find something better.

Jackson Browne had the gift to put into music the feelings of my generation in music.

J left me holding the bag, and refused to give me a safe place to hide for a night or two, when I was being abused and mentally tortued over him and his family. You see I feel sorry for J because he has no HEART. HE HAS NO COMPASSION FOR OTHERS. HE HAS THE SAME COMPASSION IN HIS HEART AS HITLER AND DAVID DUKE, WHO BELIEVE THAT COMPASSION AND HELPING OTHERS IN NEED IS WEAK. J likes to paint himself as a decent caring person who cares about people, but the truth is when you are one on one and ask for his help because you are a true LADY IN DISTRESS, you get the answer ” IT ISN’T MY PROBLEM” without one question being asked; like what is wrong or what kind of help do you need.

YOU WILL NOT BE GIVEN THE CHANCE TO PROVE YOU ARE TELLING THE TRUTH OR EXPLAIN YOURSELF. HE IS SELFISH AND LOOKS DOWN ON US PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT IN HIS ELITE CLASS OF BEING IN THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT. THAT IS ONE REASON WHY I DON’T BELIEVE OR TRUST THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT TO DO WHAT IS BEST FOR THE SO CALLED PEOPLE THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO REPRESENT!!! They don’t care about the hell we go through, as all they care about his their selfish ambition and gaining POWER and MONEY. You can I can die as we are acceptable damage….

For a dancer.

J’s dad planted his seed in me, when I was a small child, when he was alive on this earth. The seed bore fruit in me that I now I fight White Nationalist HATE.

I guess I hope that J would be like his father and would want to help me in my just fight against White Nationalism and their neo nazi hate toward Jews and others. Yet, when I finally make it to the point of talking to him one on one, I find a man without a heart or the mind to see the truth about me and understand that everything said or written about someone is the truth, but that you have to give them the chance to prove they are telling the truth and explain themselves. I had the heart and mind to understand that concept and have always tried to be fair and give him that chance, but he has REFUSED to treat me with the same FAIRNESS AND HONOR as I HAVE ALWAYS TRIED TO TREAT HIM.

I think the denial about J being an dishonorable man came about because I couldn’t admit to myself that the son of my childhood hero was the ENEMY to TRUTH AND jUSTICE; but had chosen the side of LIES AND EVIL DEEDS. When all you care about is WHAT YOU WANT and YOUR OWN SELFISH AMBITION AND YOU ARE WILLING TO USE LIES AND DECEPTION TO GAIN YOUR GOAL, IN MY EYES YOU BECOME THE ENEMY OF TRUTH AND JUSTICE AND HONOR.

I couldn’t face the fact that maybe my hero was not the man I thought he was and his son J reflected his true values and disregard for the COMMON MAN/WOMAN IN THIS COUNTRY. I couldn’t face that maybe my mother and other White Nationalists were RIGHT about HIM. Because if they were right about my childhood hero, were they also right about the Jews?

It would have met that everything I was taught as a child in the 60′s was ONE BIG LIE.

Somebody’s baby

I am not going to give up thinking that somewhere out there God will provide me a door to walk through. That he will bring me help and something good will happen in my life.

Have things to do.

Will try to write the letter for my assignment later.

Chrisy

13 April 2013

Good morning.  Going to start the day with a little George Harrison.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0uVnKjv4fK0

What is life

Love the pictures in this music video.

Going to have my friend Arleen over for dinner tonight and Benji is going to have her two little dogs to play with as I told her to bring her dogs.  I am going to the store in a bit.  I am thinking Italian tonight.

Looked at 6 places yesterday and there was 2 that were something I wouldn’t mind seeing again.  One had the location and is nice and in a gated community on the same street as my church, which is nice.  I want to go back and see that one again.  The rest I didn’t like.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&NR=1&v=wynYMJwEPH8

My Sweet Lord

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IUHWLLDGKJo

George Harriosn on Good Morning America with David Heartman in 1981.

Everyone have a great day.

Been thinking of my assignment for this week in my PTSD therapy and I am can see where I am in denial, but I also think that J is in denial too. You have two people who deep down fear to face the truth about his behavior. If we are both in denial because we don’t want to face the truth that he treated me in a dishonorable manner, then how are we ever going talk things out with each other, with the hopes that both of us will do the right thing?

I don’t know if I can write that letter of in J’s words what I hope he will say to me in a meeting between us where we both tell the truth knowing that whatever we say won’t be used against us. That we just talk things out Catholic to Catholic and in peace move forward and join forces to fight WHITE NATIONALIST NEO NAZI HATE.

In the movies the man always realizes he has treated a woman dishonorable, and he will come and talk things out with her and there is an happy ending of the right thing being done. The friendship is restored if they are just at a friends level. J and I can never be more then just friends who work together to fight A COMMON ENEMY of WHITE NATIONALISM. Yet, before we can do that we need to talk about the house and what happen that day in the barn.

It just seems like both J and I are in denial about his behavior and the chances of both of us working pass this in a postive way for the both of us is very slim.

Will J realize the truth? Will he have the courage to face that truth and do the right thing and talk to me?

Michael Jackson- Man in the mirror

Chrisy

12 April 2013

Good morning.  I have a pending comment but I don’t have time this morning to deal with it, so will deal with it later.  Have a busy day and the small amount of time I have this morning while having my coffee and toast, I have to work on my assignment for the week for my PTSD therapy.

J is a emotional block for me as what I went through over him and by him really was so tramatic that I have become stuck emotionally.  He is part of the PTSD.  It isn’t all his fault and I don’t hate him or blame him.  Just stating a fact.

The writing assignment is to put into J’s words what I hope he would say to me when we have a chance to meet and talk.  I have tried writing letter of what I want to say to him and then burn it exercise and it didn’t work.  Still blocked emotionally and stuck in that time warp.

I think one of the things that keeps me blocked is I am in denial.  I don’t want to admit that the family and son of my childhood hero is dishonorable.  How do I accept that J is nothing like his father and my hero was an honorable man who had compassion and would have helped a true lady in distress and join my fight against White Nationalism?  Or that J is just like his father and I was wrong about my hero and everything I ever believed about him was wrong? 

Denial is a deadly place to be, because you can’t move forward but am stuck.  I believed what my childhood hero taught about fighting the moral imperatives.  That Truth and courage were values that we should all cherish and strive for.  To stand up and fight for what we believe in.  That it is right to look at the world and think what can I do to make it a better world and if we join with others that we can be a wave of change for good.

Either way I have to accept that someone I loved is not the man I thought they were.  Either J has turned his back on all the good his father tried to teach him or his father wasn’t the honorable man of truth and courage I thought he was in the 60′s as a child, who he planted his seed in.  And have the seed bear fruit in that I fight against White Nationalism.

So I am in denial.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hbrn9eXEKWk

The Youngbloods- Get Together

Will play songs from the 60′s today.  I loved the 60′s and am glad I am a baby boomer who was a youth during that time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=fvwp&NR=1&v=gp5JCrSXkJY

Buffalo Springfield- For what it is worth

Both those songs really spoke to me in the 60′s.  I had the records which I played and played over and over.  Back then you could buy just single records of the song and another song on the back.

Oh, choir practice was really great last night.  I fit right in and am really happy to be singing again in with a group.  In one of the songs we are singing this Sunday in mass, we are using an Irish Bodhran.  I was telling how I am learning how to play the bodhran too.  I think it is cool how we are using the bodhran in music for church.

Back to the writing assignment.

I don’t want J to say he is sorry, but it would be nice if he admited that he lacked compassion and truth.  That he should have at least talked to me and allowed me to have a chance to prove I was telling the truth and to explain myself. 

People tend to think of themselves only and don’t think or even care about the effects of their actions on others who have to deal with the results of that behavior.  I don’t blame him for the house deal because I took the gamble that if I helped him out as a friend, so he would have the house sold by the certain date he needed that he would help me out with giving me safe place to stay because of abuse and allow me to talk to him about the HATE of the RIGHT WING and WHITE NATIONALISM  and JOIN THE FIGHT.    You know where you help someone and they help you in return when you need help.  I took the risk that J was an honorable man who felt the same friendship for me as I felt for him and his family.  I LOST the gamble.

I do think that if he was a true man of honor that he would give me the money back I paid for that money pit.  I don’t want any less or more.  I want just the exact amount that I paid for that house.  I am not going to go into details about why he was wrong to do what he did in regarding that house.  That is something I want to talk to him about in person.

Trying to put my thoughts into this letter of J’s words to me that I would hope he would say is difficult.  I am still working on the solutions I would hope that together we could work out, so that both J and I can end things on a very good note with each other.  I don’t wish my friend any bad thoughts.  I wish him love, happiness, good health and laughter.  I hope in time we can work together in fighting White Nationalist neo nazi hate.  I have always tried to treat J fair and hoped he would treat me fair as well.

I am J’s friend and always will be inspite of how he treats me.  So it is not on me what has happen and the destruction of our friendship to the point it is now.  Yet, being stuck in PTSD emotional hell is not where I want to be.  I want to move on and embrace the life I was born for. We are all born with a destiny.  I want to see both J and I fulfill the destiny we were both born for and make a difference for good in the world.  He has a chance to do more then what he is doing now, but will he take that chance and talk to me and join the fight against White Nationalism.  Will he stand and be the hero I believe he can be?

Even if J never does the right thing and talk to me I will continue to fight against White Nationalism.  I may just be one baby boomer woman, but I will continue to fight for the moral imperatives in life.  I will continue to believe in truth and courage and striving to have those values as part of my moral character.

Maybe one mistake I made was trusting in man to help and not in God to send the person that He wanted to help me.  I chose J and maybe once I am healed of J as a emotional block of my PTSD, I will meet the man that God wants me to join forces and fight with against White Nationalism Hate?

At least now I am working on removing at least one of my emotional blocks of the PTSD that have caused me to be stuck.

Will continue to work on my letter. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-2GmzyeeXnQ

The Kinks- You really got me.

Great group and song.

Have a great day everyone.

Chrisy

 

 

11 April 2013

Good morning.  I was going to play Rolling Stones today, but John’s post made me want to play Beatles, so I will play a mix of Stones and Beatles.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XLgYAHHkPFs

John Lennon- Imagine

This song really upsets White Nationalists.  I think it is sad that they have such hate for the man and his song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wTXg5ih_xbA

Rolling Stone- Rock and a Hard Place

Enpowerment group went good yesterday and I will use some of the suggestions given me. 

Tonight is choir practice.  I am excited about singing again and getting active in my music again.  Try to practice my Bodhran everyday and I can see an improvement.  I need to find a person to take lessons from as videos are great, but I still believe in hands on learning and being able to play with others at your level and improving together by playing together.

I am working on the reel and jig.  I have the beat down, but need to get my speed up, which will come with time and practice.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VL2XC-RyL7Y

Irish jig

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ML6ExT5jNrY

Here is one with a bodhran.  I love the bodhran. 

Have  a busy day.  Hope everyone has a great day.

 

7 April 2013

Good morning.

Going to start my journal entry today with some Celtic Music.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&NR=1&v=SBATrLRWySg

Irish Tavern music.  It has some good Bodhran playing in the video.  I really love my Bodhran and practice everyday.  Working on mastering the beats for a reel and when I master the reel then I will move to working on the jig.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OYsOpAi3ry0

Two Irish Reels.  This too has nice Bodhran playing.

Going to try going to St Mary’s this morning for the 11 am mass.  That is when the traditonal choir sings and I want to listen to them and see if I want to join the traditonal choir or the folk choir at 9:30 mass.  I have given up on St Stevens, plus I am actually a member at St Mary’s…  I always enjoyed being part of the music ministry at the Catholic Chruch in Salina, Kansas and not only singing but playing my fiddle on Christmas eve service with someone on the piano.  The folk group choir might be a good choir to join because I might get to play my bodhran for special music when I master all the different beats.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w32uyQ8UgnM

More Irish Reels.

If I get ready now, I might make the 9:30 mass and I think it is the folk choir I want to check out.

Chrisy

6 April 2013

Happy Tartan Day!! 

Last night I had a couple of unsettling dreams.  I am under stress and upset over things right now so in the one dream I bought myself a pack of cigerates and started smoking again, after years of not smoking.

I also dreamed I moved to the UK and left America behind forever.  There is a part of me that would love to do that.  Just say f it and leave and never look back.  There is also a part that loves this country and so I stay.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4p5yzdCa2GE

It don’t come easy

Looking forward to the Jazz festival in Chandler today.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z3Amb9bldkk&feature=endscreen&NR=1

Seems like old times

Some great photos.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&feature=endscreen&v=wSYp3j8MfKQ

Paul talks about John’s song Imagine.  I know how White Nationalists hate that song and think it is a communist manifesto, lol.  They must really be so desperate to find a communist that they label a song that dreams about love, peace and understanding as Communist.

yes, I am still pissed at you White Nationalists for calling the Beatles traitors to the White RACE.  So I am going to continue to play BEATLES as my way of saying f you.

Are you White Nationalists really that STUPID?

I like the photos in the song seems like old times of John in his youth just starting out.  It reminds us that even the greatest musicans start out as beginners and with time and practice develop their gift for making wonderful music for the world to enjoy.

That is why music education for youth and for all ages is so important.  We are all not going to become famous and great musicans, but we can still enjoy playing and singing our music.  Getting together and playing and singing with friends is a great time.  It is the LOVE of MUSIC that brings us together, regardless of age, talent, and culture.  All of us love music and all of us who play instruments and sing enjoy making music.

Hope everyone has a great day.

Chrisy