1 March 2013

This is a picture taken on Cape Cod, MA. My dad and I made happy memories there.

Good morning, getting ready to leave for New Mexico for the weekend.  Hope everyone has a great day.

Group was good yesterday.  Helen said that it says alot what you can’t write or talk about in regards to journaling, so we will look into why I have a block in regards to my family, when I start the one on one with her at the end of March. 

We drew a vision board yesterday of what we would like to be in five years.  With all assignments of this nature, I always picture myself back home in the Boston area.  I miss Massachusetts and want to go home so very much.  One of my biggest fears is that I will never get to see New England again while I am alive.  My wish is to be buried in Lynn, MA next to my dad.

Then we made signs for the March tonight against violence.  Made two signs.  In all my years of protest, I have learned to make signs with a simple message that can be used as good slogans.  Keep it simple and not long. 

Mine were:

It shouldn’t hurt being a child

Stop Child Sexual Abuse

I told them I would be there with them in spirit and sign, lol.

I had a nice dream of J last night.  The beginning of the night I was kicking and fighting and talking in my sleep.  I do that sometimes.  Then I was dreaming of J and was relaxed and happy.  It is always the same dream of him finally coming to talk to me.  Being able to tell him what I need to say and him really listening..  We work things out and he joins the fight against White Nationalism and together we make a difference for good against the evil.  He always is my hero in my dreams…

Need to get going.

Chrisy

 

28 Feb 2013

First I would like to wish my birthday brother who was born within a week of me and the same year a Happy Birthday.  He is dead now, but I always remember his Birthday.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MjF1bG5LUcs

I am celebrating my brithday this weekend too, that is why I am going to New Mexico to be with friends.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4p5yzdCa2GE

George Harrison had a birthday this week too.

Still haven’t been able to do my journal assignment for my survior’s group.  It is about family and emotionally I have come to a block.  Since I am going to be starting to see the leader of the childhood sexual survivor’s group one on one at the beginning of April, she can help me become unstuck and help me sort out my feelings about my family. 

How do I write about my big brother who never wanted a brother/sister relationship with me, so it always leads to getting my heart broken when I try to develop a relationship with him?

How do I write about my parents who lied to me about having a big brother and lied about me to neighbors?  I am a very sensitive and knew deep down inside I had a brother and when I talked about my big brother they said I was lying.  Then at 12 I come home from school and there is my big brother sitting on the sofa, you know the one they told me I was lying about.  Parents don’t lie to your children or about your children to save your face….  It leaves an emotional scare on your children that is very deep and lasting.

How do I write about my mother?  John, my mother was not a Liberal.  Think Artie Bunker and that is my mother.  I know you are to young to remember All in the family, but I am sure you can find it on dvd or re-runs.  I am more like the meat head, and so my mother and I were like oil/water and didn’t mix for long.  We were always fighting.  I loved her, I just didn’t like the way she treated my sister and I sometimes.  My sister had a different relationship with my mother then I did.  People are different and no two people are the same or have the same relationship with someone in the family.

Maybe I will turn this in as my journal assignment, as Helen reads them anyway, and we can sort out my feelings regarding my family.

We have the real estate agent coming today to take pictures of the house.  So I need to get going.

 

 

27 Feb 2013

Good morning.  Took my sister to the airport and had to deal with a major traffic backup due to a big truck turning over and blocking all lanes of the 10 heading toward Tucson at the split.  The only way around the accident was part of the right lane and shoulder.

Came back and finished my last response to John’s 2 comments.  I notice there are more comments pending, but I have to start on my jouranal for survior’s group tomorrow and finish packing and getting things ready for the open house this weekend, before I head out Friday to visit my friend in New Mexico.  I haven’t had a vacation in 3 years so am really looking forward to getting away with Benji.  So John I will approve your comments and start replying to your latest comments.  Will start responding tomorrow and when I return from my trip.  Am enjoying our discussion and hope you are too.  It is good because it gives both of us a chance to have to defend what we believe and to make us more sure in our beliefs, so I thank you for talking to me and posting on my blog.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1lWJXDG2i0A

Start the day with some Tom Petty.  Love this song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&feature=endscreen&v=hMHjjvLjtAM

Lynyrd Skynard was playing while I was sitting in the traffic jam.  It felt so good to finally be free from the parking lot of 10 this morning, lol.

Well, I better get off here and start my journal entry.  The topic this week is to personal to post here. 

I hope that if you have been sexually abused and raped as a child and still suffer the effects that my journey of getting the help will encourage you and inspire you to take the first step in healing.  It took me a long time to find a program that I came to trust the people enough to start opening up to them.  I have that with the place I am getting treatment from.  There is help out there, but you must be willing to take that first step and work through the difficult emotions we feel.

Have a great day.

24 Feb 2013

Today on Breakfast with the Beatles they celebrated George’s birthday, so this morning I will play songs from George Harrison.  He was my favorite Beatle.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4p5yzdCa2GE

It don’t easy

I need to hear this song right now as I am going through a rough patch and feel like I am between a rock and hard place.  Please keep me in your prayers.  The Lord knows what is going on and how much I need help.

I am like a turtle and when people come on to strong, I retreat, and it is starting to happen now.  Need to start individual sessions again for now.  I don’t want to loose all the progress I have made in healing of my PTSD because of feeling forced to do something against my will.  I have been forced all my life to do things I don’t want to do.  I feel like I am still being punished for loving and trusting J as a friend by my mother because she hated J and his family with a passion. 

I know I talk in riddles, and this is another riddle.  Talking in bits and pieces is what children who have been sexually abused do. It is what all abused people do…  We live in our silence.  I was starting to come out, but I feel like reverting into my shell again.  What is the point of trying to get well, when every time you start getting up you are kicked down again?/p>

I would never try to force anyone to do something against their will that they didn’t feel was the best thing for them.  But would work together to find a solution that worked that both sides were happy with.  Yet, I guess in today’s world, working together with someone who is different then you not done anymore.  Sad, that we live in a world where some people have no rights or voice in decisions that effect them.

When is my miracle going to happen?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6GdeU0ww4zY

Got my mind set on you.

Thank you for praying for me.

We are having the wake this afternoon.

 

 

23 Feb 2013

Good morning. Have a lot to do again today.  Going to spend a little time on my journal assignment this week for childhood sexual survivors group.  The topic this week is your family now.  This is going to be a hard one for me to write so I will just start on it today and start thinking about some of the questions so as to get some of my feelings up to the surface so later on I can start writing the journal homework.

This is not an easy group to go through, but I would encourage anyone who was sexually raped and abused as a child to take the first step toward healing.  I still have a long way to go, but I hope this journal will help you decide to get help for the PTSD.  You don’t have to suffer in silence anymore.

first question they want us to think about is what is satisfactory for you in relating to your family of orign now?

Being that my mother just died and my father died many years ago, the only ones left in my family of orgin is my sister, brother, and nephew.  Even though I have a brother in FL,  he wasn’t part of the family until I was 12 and he was married and had two children and on his way to Viet Nam.

I would like to develop a solid relationship with him as I always wanted a big brother to protect me.  Because of how things were with him and our dad it was very difficult for us to form that deep love and special bond we would have had if we had been together from the very beginning.

My sister and I share the same mom and we are real sisters because we have been together since the beginning.

So the Satisfactory part of the orginal family is the relationship I have with my sister and nephew.

2nd question and last question for right now is what is irritating, infuriating,frightening, painful?

My mother was a big part of that as I was emotionally and verbally abused by her.  She loved me, but she didn’t like me or the people and things I loved. There was always a battle between us.  We were like oil/water and didn’t mix for long periods of time.  I loved her, but I didn’t like the way she treated me.

I always try to be a voice of reason, but once my mother believed something to be true, their was no showing her, that she was wrong to think that way about people or events.

I also have pain regarding my brother in FL, as time and time I give him my heart and try to develop a real brother/sister relationship only to get my heart broken time and time again, when it doesn’t really happen.  I know that I could have my heart broken once again if I go and see him, but I love him inspite of everything.  Why is it when someone enters my heart that I love them forever unconditionally no matter what they do?

Because their dad and I have no real relationship, I don’t have a real relationship with my brother’s two children.

I need to stop for now, as I am feeling emotional and a total failure.

I also feel STUPID for never giving up on someone, once I love them.  That my unconditional love for others leads me to always welcome them with open arms, no matter what pain they cause me.

Some people love very deeply and forever.  I am one of those people. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EivR78mrRFE

Start out with a little Eric Clapton

Would love to be able to go to his concert in New York City.  Going to be a great event.

 

21 Feb 2013

Have a busy day today.  Will write after Survivor’s group.

My mother and I didn’t communicate verbally, but through writing.  My sister found a note she had written for me to read after she died.  I don’t like to cry and so I started to read it and wanted to cry so I didn’t read it all yet.  Someday when I can read it and not cry then I will read it.

I know people don’t understand this, but crying to me is weakness.  So when I feel myself starting to cry I back off and shut those feelings down as I don’t want to be weak.

This may be why I have PTSD.  I don’t deal with my emotions very well, but like a soldier try to keep going on..

I need to finish up as we have the first real estate agent coming this morning and I have my group this afternoon.

Some of the Phoenix area got snow yesterday.  We didn’t get any snow here.  Some of my friends on facebook posted pictures of snow here in the Phoenix, Tucson area.  It actally stayed long enough on the ground for people to take a picture and make a snowball and have a snowball fight.

 

19 Feb 2013

This is me, when I was a little girl. You can see I take after my dad’s side in the looks.

Good morning.  Hope everyone has a great day.

Before I move to Hawaii, I feel I need to take a trip back home to Boston and put flowers on the family graves in Lynn, and just spend time relaxing and looking into if moving back home to Boston is possible.  My heart has always been in New England, even as a child and I love it there.  I need to go back and face the fears that made me feel I had no choice but to runaway from Marshfield.

They say that one shouldn’t make major decision for at least 6 months after the death of someone.  I think that is true.

After spending time back home in Boston, I want to go and see my half brother in FL.  When I talked to him, he was open for us getting together.  Wouldn’t it be great if after all these years my big brother and I finally develop a real brother/sister relationship and we can become close like my sister and I, who I love very much.

I want to spend time in KS and put flowers on the family graves in Salina and spend time with my friend Anne, as I miss her. 

Before I go to Hawaii I need to go and spend time in CA and OR and face the fears there as well.  This is all part of the healing process.  After my time of travel and reflection I can better decide what is best for me and what I want to do, hoping that the two go hand in hand.  If someone is very lucky in this life, the two go  hand in hand.  Most of us have to accept we don’t always get what we want in this life and you just have to make the best of what life gives you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XIX0ZDqDljA

Feel like starting the day out with some Stones.

Will write later.

 

10 Feb 2013

Sorry I didn’t write yesterday, but I was busy getting bags ready of my mother’s clothes and stuff for Big Brothers and Big Sisters.  I got three bags which is a start.

Ring of Fire radio show was really good yesterday.  I listened through the whole show.  One topic they discussed that was interesting to me was about drones.  I found them to be honest in how they are reporting this topic.

I hope other White Nationalist women are taking the 6 month challenge and listening to them for 6 months ever Saturday at least for the first hour.  Women must self educate ourselves and one becomes educated by listening to all sides of the debate and discussion.  Yes, there are many times when I only listen to the first hour, but at least I am making an effort to better understand the Progressive view point, which seems foreign to me, and I know it sounds foreign to you too.

My journaling assignment for this week child sexual survivor’s group:

30 minute writing starting now.

One of the first coping skills I used to cope was eating.  I would eat for several reasons. 1.  I wanted to be undesirable to men so that I would not be forced to date and have sex with boys/men I didn’t want to date and have sex with.  2.  It numbed the pain I felt.  I could stuff down the emotions I was feelings.  No one wanted to deal with it so I learned very quickly to keep silent.. Had to stuff down my feelings some way and I used food…

As a kids I thought building a wall of my being fat was a good defense to make the sexual abuse stop.  It worked to the point that I no longer have to endure unwanted advances.  I know in my mind that when I am thin terrible things happen to me.

As an adult I realize that becoming fat so as to become undesirable was not the best coping plan.  I have built a wall that yes, keeps the bad men out, but doesn’t allow the good man I want in my life to come in either.  I need to allow myself to loose the weight and become desirable to men once again.  To build a door in my wall, that keeps the bad men out but allows Mr. Right in.

I try to diet but I can only loose so much and then I self destruct.  I think my mind has come to believe that I want to be undesirable.. I have to find some way to convince my mind that I want to be desirable now so I can loose the weight I want and allow myself to look good again.

I wonder how many of us who were victims of child sexual abuse have an eating disorder?  How many of us turned to food as a way of coping with what was happening to us?

I am afraid to be thin and so because of that fear, even though I want to be thin, I self destruct.

Another coping skill I used was running away.  I ran away from the bad.  I moved to Boston in 84 as I was running away from a man in CA who was forcing me to date him… He liked me but I didn’t like him and he threaten me and my dad, if I didn’t go out with him.  MA and New England was always my safe place as a kid and I would run there when I needed to get out of the CA hell hole.  My heart has always been in Boston.. It still is. 

Yet, I had to run away from Marshfield at one point and haven’t been back because of abused I received there from my mother and the lack of kindness or compassion showed me by people there who I thought were my friends.

The problem with running away is that yes, you remove yourself from the bad things, but many times you are taking them with you because you are not dealing with your past.  You can’t run from yourself.

Doing this treatment program I am now and having to deal with things finally in my 54 year of living is difficult but necessary.  I guess I am learning not to run away anymore.  Having to face my emotions and feelings of what has happen to me and having to learn new and healthy ways to deal with life is a step in the right direction.

Eating and being a runaway is not the answer.

I also hide behind my smile.  Wear a mask and not show my true feelings…  To always put on a happy face, even when I feel like crying.

I don’t cry.  I laugh instead of cry.  It is not that I laugh at other’s pain, but I don’t cry and I have to release my feelings some way so I laugh.

Crying is weak.

I like British humor, which is different then American humor.  there is some American humor that I like.  Steve Martin is a funny guy.  He makes me laugh.  One of my favorite shows is ” As Time Goes By”.  It is an old British comedy on pbs on Saturday Nights.  It is about two people who knew each other in their youth and are reunited again in their middle age and finally get together.  It is a great show.

I escape in my books and movies.  I can leave the world and enter a world of my own making for a few hours and forget about what is happening in the real world.  I also like music and find it is a good form of escape.

Some of these forms of coping are good and I will keep but some of them are self destructive and I need to get rid of as a way to cope with my life.

The first one I am working on, as I believe in working on one thing at a time.

I need to start riding horses again and getting out and getting the great exercise that comes with riding horses at least a few times a week.  It is the only sport I am good at and can do as I have never been good at sports and was always the last one picked for any team.  Yet, I can ride a horse and I am good at it.

So while some people like to play golf, tennis, soft ball or run, I like riding horses.  Everyone can find at least one sport they are good in and for me it was riding horses.

I loved Tia so much.  She was a wonderful horse and we had many good time riding the trails along the North River in Marshfield.  She was an arab and was fast.  I loved to watch her run in the pasture and just play with the other horses.  I loved Jet my quarter horse I had in Los Altos Hills.  He too was quick and when we would race each other Jet would win.  He liked to fun fast and win.  He didn’t like to loose either.  We rode all over Los Altos Hills and many times were gone all day and packed a lunch.

30 minutes is over.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&feature=endscreen&v=PDZcqBgCS74

Great song

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HsNAjWlPQvk

Hope everyone has a great day.

Love

Chrisy

 

8 Feb 2013

Good morning.

Yesterday in group we talked about the coping skills we have used over the years to survive.  The quote for yesterday was really good and I have been thinking about if I agree with it or not.  Have come to the conclusion that I do.

” An abormal reaction to an abnormal situation is normal.”  ( Vicktor Frankel)

I am not crazy or bad for reacting the way I did, or finding ways to cope with things.

We filled out a work sheet of coping skills and picked 4.

This is mine.

1. eating.

Costs

getting fat

leads to poor health

keeps the nice man that I could love uncondtionally and who could love me uncondtionally away.

Benefits

numbs the pain

Keeps the bad men away that I don’t want in my life

Is a good way to spend time and have fellowship with friends, going out to dinner and sharing meal.

2. submission

Costs

being controlled and not being able to make my own choices

not knowing what I want as I  am always doing what I am told

benefits

being sweet, which means that I make others happy.

being loved because I obey without question.

3. British Humor

costs

don’t cry

running away from my feelings

benefits

use laughter instead of tears

takes my mind off the bad

4. hide behind a smile

costs

Not thinking of how I really feel

benefits

seeing the best and being happy with whatever life throws at me

Had to pick one that I wanted to change.  I chose eating.

I had to list the reasons why I developed eating as my coping skill.

” To be safe against unwanted sexual advances from boys/men.  I didn’t want to be forced to date or have sex with someone who liked and wanted to date and have sex with me, that I didn’t like at all.”

When do you remember first using this coping skill.

Saratoga, CA

What was going on then

I was being pushed into having sex

What was the need for the behavior?

To make myself undesirable so I wouldn’t be forced into having unwanted sex anymore.

I had to come up with a compassionate statement for myself.

This is what I wrote:

” I don’t have a compassionate statement.  I feel compassion for others, but no compassion was ever shown toward me.  I was told it wasn’t their problem, I am lying, or I am crazy and it never happen; when I know for a fact it did happen and I told the truth.  Instead of people treating me with kindness and compassion I got harsh judgment and stones (mean words) thrown at me.  I got treated in such a way I would never treat another human being.

what are are new ways I can deal with things besides eating.

I would love to start riding horses again.  That is great exercise and I like being outdoors riding my horse.  I loved to ride the trails in Los Altos Hills when I was a kid and then along the North River in Marshfield with Tia.  I was able to loose the weight then and I feel it would be a healing activity for me to start riding horses again.

I am going to look into moving someplace where I can start riding again.  That is a must have.

———————————————–

My journal assignment this week is about coping.  It is a 30 minute writing so I will either do it later today or tomorrow.

I think I need some music now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NbS8JK4TS8Q

Start the day with some Phil Collins

 

26 Jan 2013

Didn’t sleep well last night.  To busy thinking of all that I have to do today and the days ahead. 

My Benji is a big comfort to me.  He was so good yesterday with all the strange people coming in and out of the house.

Feel sad about the death of Maryanne too as she was a really neat lady and I loved her very much.  In Nov. I lost Dianne and now in Jan I loose my Mom and Maryanne at the same time, as they died with 2 weeks of each other and I didn’t find out about Maryanne until the same day my Mom died.  So I feel like a double wammy.

I think I will go to church tomorrow.  Don’t know which one, but I will try and go as my Mother liked going to church and she would want me to go and say a few prayers for her and Maryanne.

 

You know how they say when God closes one door another door opens. So we will see what the next door will be to open to me, that I walk through. What will be the next chapter of my life? I might not know now, but God does.

Even though I am a terrible Catholic, I still believe in God and a higher power. I still believe that he watches over us and I hope love us. I have some questions because how can a loving God allow such terrible things to happen to children who are pure and innocent.

How do I forgive the evil gardener and the Americans who instead of helping me, threw the stones of their hurtful harsh judgment and words at me? God knows I was telling the truth about the gardener and yet, I was the one who was punished and put through hell and not the evil gardener?

How do I forgive Kitty Olive, a school teacher and so called friend of my father’s who told me that it never happen, when I know for a fact, the gardener did sexually rape me when I was a little girl. How do I forgive her for all the lies she told about me and to me? She stopped me from getting help several times. Did it bring her joy to see me suffer?

Yet the church is very clear that if we don’t forgive Jesus won’t forgive us our sins. Tell me how do I forgive?

I don’t care for Father Pierre. I wish I knew where Father Enzie was. I could talk to him.. Don’t even know if he is alive. There really isn’t a priest I have bounded here with.

Maybe God will finally send me the man I have always dreamed of since I was a little girl, before the evil gardener had me.

I was thinking if that made me a whore? I wanted to wait until my wedding night and give that gift to the man God had chosen to be my husband, yet, that was stolen from me and the man God chose for me. I wouldn’t be a virgin again after that. Does that make me damaged goods that no one would want for his wife?

I think this is part of the anger too.

I was in fifth grade. I didn’t even know what sex was, as my mother hadn’t even had the birds and bees talk with me. Yet, I was supposed to stop him, so it is my fault?

Maybe whoever he is will be fair minded and and not throw the stones of harsh judgment and words at me like the Americans I have known. That is where the picture comes from I drew last Thursday in group. Instead of helping me they condemned me and refused any act of kindness toward me. The after effects hurt me just as much as the sexual act the evil gardener did to me. I know it has left as deep of scare emotionally, and I might even add, it left a worst scare because the hurt and betrayal is felt even deeper.

I haven’t been with a man in 13 years, since my ex.. Even though to WN on VNN, I am a whore because of my one tatoo, I don’t think most people feel that way, do you?

You have to remember emotionally I am still that little girl in fifth grade who had her world shattered that day. Young girls dream of the man that someday they will marry and be good Catholic wives to and who will be the father of their children. Being a wife and mother is a good voacation within the church.