18 April 2013

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Good morning.  My thoughts and prayers go out to the people in TX who are suffering because of the explosion.

There are things I could say about other events that are happening in the world, but I won’t.

I am conquering one block of the PTSD and am letting go of someone I should have let go years ago, and would have if I hadn’t been stuck in the trauma I suffered because of trusting and befriending that person, who was nothing more then a selfish person who only thinks of himself and not how his action effect others who have the misfortune to cross his path.  I can finally accept that in my own way I enabled him to get away with his dishonorable behavior.  I was in denial because I couldn’t face the truth that I was wrong about my hero and his family.  Because if my mother and White Nationalists had been right about this family, then they must also be right about their White Nationalist views and everything I was taught in the 60′s must have been wrong.

So I was in denial all these years because I didn’t want to face the truth about J and his family.  I wanted to keep my little girl love, respect and admiration for their father, who was really the only American hero I held in my heart.  I don’t know why I picked him at five years old and felt so strongly that he was a strong man of passion and courage, who valued truth, justice and would have joined the fight against White Nationalism?  I was expecting his son J to be the hero I had hoped his father would have been if he hadn’t been killed in the prime of his life.  Only to be treated the way I was, and even knowing I just wanted the truth from his own lips as two Catholics not using the truth we told against each other, but just being honest and joining forces and doing the right thing and working as one team to fight White Nationalist neo nazi’s.  I couldn’t admit to myself that I had failed.  I can admit that now.

I am not angry with J or hate him.  I still love him as a friend and hope someday he will face the truth and talk to me and we can settle things between us about the house, that day in the barn, and we can find a way to work together to fight White Nationalism which is a moral imperative in life.  Yet, I also know that I am not the PROBLEM, J IS THE PROBLEM.  It doesn’t matter what I do on my side to make things RIGHT between us, it isn’t going to happen because of HIM.

I have a picture that Norman Rockwell painted on my calender for this month.  It has Communication written on the bottom of this picture of a man and woman sitting at the table.  The man has his newspaper in his face so he can’t see or hear the woman.  The woman is willing and ready to see and hear the man and what he has to say, but the man blocks her out and refuses to see or talk to her.  I realized I am like the woman in the picture and J is like the man.  Until J decides to put the paper down, there will be no real communication between us and in any relationship, even friendship, there has to be honest communication between people. 

I am honest with him and just wanted a chance to prove I was telling the truth and would have taken a lie detector test, but he and his family can’t seem to treat me with fairness as I have always tried to treat them in resolving this sitution between us.  Is it because J and his family don’t believe in TRUTH, COURAGE, AND HONOR?

The truth of the matter is I feel sorry and pitty J.  I am not angry or hate him or even wish him ill.  It is sad to me that someone born with all the resources he had, has chosen to become a man who has no heart for others and lacks a good mind to solve the riddles and lacks understanding toward someone who because of the PTSD is hard to understand because I do use riddles to communicate as I want to make sure I can trust someone and not get punished for what I say.  He could have been so much more then he is…

PTSD isn’t about WHAT IS WRONG WITH US, BUT ABOUT WHAT HAPPEN TO US.  IT IS NOT A MENTAL ILLNESS LIKE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY OR EVEN BI POLAR.  It is about people who have known a lot of trauma and stress in their lives and are stuck there because they can’t move forward.

I am letting go now of J and the dream I had of working together to fight White Nationalism.

J made me feel worthless and that I wasn’t worth anything as a human being by the way he treated me that day in the barn.  That I and the American people he represented in Congress, as I have heard other stories by people in his district, were considered acceptable damage in the cost of his personal ambition in life.  It didn’t matter how people were suffering or hurting they were treated by him and his staff with lack of compassion and the same answer of IT ISN’T MY PROBLEM.  One truth he will have to face someday is THAT HE WAS A TERRIBLE CONGRESSMAN….

They say KARMA IS A BITCH.  J is no longer in Congress or hold Political Power in this country.  He is never going to achieve anything in his own right.  He will always be the son of….. and might even be known as the father of, but he will never be known for anything great that effected mankind on his own right.

Yes, I feel sorry for him.

I will be ok.  I might be an aging baby boomer of 55, but I know that I TRIED TO DO THE RIGHT THING!!!!  I CAN LIVE WITH MYSELF, BUT CAN J?  I feel sorry for him, because I believe he is in denial and RUNS FROM THE TRUTH OF HIS ACTIONS because he lacks the courage of an honorable man to FACE THEM. I AM WILLING TO FACE MY MISTAKES AND TELL THE TRUTH AND DO THE RIGHT THING, BUT HE LACKS THE SAME COURAGE.

I ask myself is it just J or is his whole family except for M like that too? M showed me that he was a man of truth and honor and courage when he stood up for me when he knew I was telling the truth. Are the rest of them so self centered in their own lives that they refuse to see the truth about their true situation of closing their eyes and ears to the truth? I had reached out to another brother as I thought maybe he was more like M then J. So far nothing, so I really have to wonder if it is a problem that effects the whole family?

I used to think I was the worthless one and not worthy of them, but not I know I am not worthless and J is not worthy of me. If he can’t see my heart of Gold and my other good qualties, then it is on him and not me. I would rather be me then him, because I have always tried to do the right thing and help others who needed help. J on the other hand hides behind his wall that keeps him from seeing the true condition of people. I live in the real world and J lives in the ivory tower of make believe.

Sweet Freedom

I am beginning to know the taste of sweet freedom, now that J’s chain is being cut off arm. Getting treatment for the PTSD is the saw that is cutting that chain.

White Nationalist women, if you have PTSD too, then I encourage you to take that first step in getting free. I know that there is abuse in White Nationalism.

1 Comment »

  1. 1
    chrisy58 Says:

    The entire album. I played this album so much at St Francis I must have gone through several copies. Even had the cd, and wore that out, lol.

    Jackson Brown put into music the feelings I felt and asked the questions about life that I asked.

    Arleen and I are going out to lunch and then I have choir practice tonight. Going to keep singing with them until I leave AZ. This choir is so welcoming and they need me. I want to say I am grateful that it is turning out to be a positive experience for me.


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