Yesterday to prepare for this journal assignment this week I made a scrapbook for my mother as a memoral to her. I don’t cry and haven’t cried since she died. Maybe making this scrapbook for her life is a way for me to deal with her death?
I was asked Thursday in group how I felt about my mother dying in the middle of group… I feel sad, because I had hoped that at some point she and I could have gone together and worked out our issues and finally have a really good relationship as mother and daughter and not always be like oil/water that don’t really mix well together because she didn’t like me or the things that I liked and thought important. My mother and I loved each other and I know she loved me as I loved her, but we would fight like cats and dogs because we had a different view of things.
She would dig and dig and dig at me, until finally I would explode.. She would call be stupid alot. She hated with a passion the man who I love uncondtionally as my friend, and abused me over him, even though I hadn’t seen him in many years. That last time she abused me over him was a few years ago when he was on tv defending himself. She called me into her room and asked me what I thought of him.. First she wanted to know how I thought he looked and I said he looked good to me. You have to remember I look at this person through the love of friendship so he can be 90 years old and he will still look good to me. She went on and on about how terrible she thought he had aged.. Then she asked me what I thought about what he was saying. I told the truth and said he is right and is making very valid points. You can imagine what her response was to me defending my friend again and taking her wrath upon me for him…
Now that she is gone, I will never be abused by her for my friendship with this man ever again. Over the years those of you who read my blog know that I have been seeking to make peace between us and to clear up all the misunderstanding and lies we both have been told and believed about each other. I had kept that a secret from her and now I don’t have to worry about her abusing him if he ever did pop in to talk to me. She isn’t here anymore to abuse either of us because of our friendship.
Yes, the little girl has anger toward my mother, but I also love my mother very much. Love and anger go hand in hand as you get angry because those you love hurt you. The school was wrong to tell my mother that I hated her because I was angry with her. She never let me forget that either. I have a hard time trusting authority because of how the schools treated me…
Need some music now, before I start writing my journal assignment for this week.
In the mood for a little Billy Joe
I love my friend, just the way he is, faults and all. That is what uncondtional love of a friend is. To know that person and still love them anyway.. To not what to change them because you love the whole person… Hopefully, we will find someone who can love us the same way in return…
Doesn’t everyone dream of loving and being loved?
My journal writing for this week:
Dear inner child,
This letter is very hard for me to write you, as I don’t like dealing with your emotional pain and anger. You are justified for feeling that way you do, because you were made to suffer in this life. You were the innocent victim and yet you were the one who suffered and lived in prison for all these years. Yes, you and I have lived in an emotional prision because of the PTSD and have suffered the physical effects of the PTSD.
I understand your anger of feeling like you are the one on trial as you were the one judged and people threw their stones of terrible words at lies to you and about you… You were and I am telling the truth, but we were told we are lying and others were told you and I was a pathological liar. And that we were crazy as the child sexual abuse didn’t happen to us, when it did. The Gardener and Mike Strassburger were allowed to make our life a living hell in childhoood. While they were free and allowed to live their lives, we were judged and lied about… Yes, there is a lot of valid anger inside of you. I still am angry…. So we were connected that way, in that we are both still angry of how we were treated as the criminal when we were the victim of the crime.
I think part of the frustration you feel is not being able to make sense out of the hell you have lived through in this life. I am working toward making that hell mean somthing and to work to make sure that children today never have to go through and live through the hell that we went through.
One thing that I know you don’t understand is why no one helped you. It has taken me many years to come to terms with the fact that there were no child abuse Laws in the United States until 1973. Even if people wanted to help us, they couldn’t. That is why we have children born before 1973 who now as adults are having to seek treatment for the child sexual abuse and other abuse they received as children.
I am working to find my voice. I know we write better then speak so that is why I picked my friend to be our hero and to be our voice with the world. He is a poweful speaker and he will make people see and understand that it is not the child who is to blame, and it is morally wrong to punish the child and make them suffer a life time of hell. He can also help me to develop my speaking ability so that maybe someday I can publically speak at an event like the night against violence in Phoenix and around the country, which child sexual abuse and rape is part of the reason they are holding this event.
I will talk to him because I know him in real life as my friend. I thought that he wouldn’t judge me as I don’t judge him. I thought that he would value me as a friend as I love and value him. That he would see my heart of gold and know that I am a true and loyal friend who would never do anything on purpose to hurt him or bring dishonor on him. I thought I could trust him to be my wing person as I am his wing person, and that we would be a safe harbor in the storm for each other. That no matter what rough seas we faced in the world, that together we would be the safe place to go to. Don’t worry, I am not giving up on him or the hope that there will be a real and lasting peace between us and we move forward to embrace our destiny that we were born for.
Yes I believe that this person and I were born to fight against evil in this world. Child sexual abuse and White Nationalism are two of the evils we were born to fight against. Those are the two from my side, and I am sure he has some Causes that are important to fight for that he brings from his side, and together we form the powerful force for good to overcome the evil that we are fighting for.
I want to end by saying I will work on overcoming the eating disorder and not using food as a way to protect myself….
It is not your fault, inspite of what the adults and school told you. They are the ones who are in the wrong for blaming you.
Glad that is over.