10 Feb 2013

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Sorry I didn’t write yesterday, but I was busy getting bags ready of my mother’s clothes and stuff for Big Brothers and Big Sisters.  I got three bags which is a start.

Ring of Fire radio show was really good yesterday.  I listened through the whole show.  One topic they discussed that was interesting to me was about drones.  I found them to be honest in how they are reporting this topic.

I hope other White Nationalist women are taking the 6 month challenge and listening to them for 6 months ever Saturday at least for the first hour.  Women must self educate ourselves and one becomes educated by listening to all sides of the debate and discussion.  Yes, there are many times when I only listen to the first hour, but at least I am making an effort to better understand the Progressive view point, which seems foreign to me, and I know it sounds foreign to you too.

My journaling assignment for this week child sexual survivor’s group:

30 minute writing starting now.

One of the first coping skills I used to cope was eating.  I would eat for several reasons. 1.  I wanted to be undesirable to men so that I would not be forced to date and have sex with boys/men I didn’t want to date and have sex with.  2.  It numbed the pain I felt.  I could stuff down the emotions I was feelings.  No one wanted to deal with it so I learned very quickly to keep silent.. Had to stuff down my feelings some way and I used food…

As a kids I thought building a wall of my being fat was a good defense to make the sexual abuse stop.  It worked to the point that I no longer have to endure unwanted advances.  I know in my mind that when I am thin terrible things happen to me.

As an adult I realize that becoming fat so as to become undesirable was not the best coping plan.  I have built a wall that yes, keeps the bad men out, but doesn’t allow the good man I want in my life to come in either.  I need to allow myself to loose the weight and become desirable to men once again.  To build a door in my wall, that keeps the bad men out but allows Mr. Right in.

I try to diet but I can only loose so much and then I self destruct.  I think my mind has come to believe that I want to be undesirable.. I have to find some way to convince my mind that I want to be desirable now so I can loose the weight I want and allow myself to look good again.

I wonder how many of us who were victims of child sexual abuse have an eating disorder?  How many of us turned to food as a way of coping with what was happening to us?

I am afraid to be thin and so because of that fear, even though I want to be thin, I self destruct.

Another coping skill I used was running away.  I ran away from the bad.  I moved to Boston in 84 as I was running away from a man in CA who was forcing me to date him… He liked me but I didn’t like him and he threaten me and my dad, if I didn’t go out with him.  MA and New England was always my safe place as a kid and I would run there when I needed to get out of the CA hell hole.  My heart has always been in Boston.. It still is. 

Yet, I had to run away from Marshfield at one point and haven’t been back because of abused I received there from my mother and the lack of kindness or compassion showed me by people there who I thought were my friends.

The problem with running away is that yes, you remove yourself from the bad things, but many times you are taking them with you because you are not dealing with your past.  You can’t run from yourself.

Doing this treatment program I am now and having to deal with things finally in my 54 year of living is difficult but necessary.  I guess I am learning not to run away anymore.  Having to face my emotions and feelings of what has happen to me and having to learn new and healthy ways to deal with life is a step in the right direction.

Eating and being a runaway is not the answer.

I also hide behind my smile.  Wear a mask and not show my true feelings…  To always put on a happy face, even when I feel like crying.

I don’t cry.  I laugh instead of cry.  It is not that I laugh at other’s pain, but I don’t cry and I have to release my feelings some way so I laugh.

Crying is weak.

I like British humor, which is different then American humor.  there is some American humor that I like.  Steve Martin is a funny guy.  He makes me laugh.  One of my favorite shows is ” As Time Goes By”.  It is an old British comedy on pbs on Saturday Nights.  It is about two people who knew each other in their youth and are reunited again in their middle age and finally get together.  It is a great show.

I escape in my books and movies.  I can leave the world and enter a world of my own making for a few hours and forget about what is happening in the real world.  I also like music and find it is a good form of escape.

Some of these forms of coping are good and I will keep but some of them are self destructive and I need to get rid of as a way to cope with my life.

The first one I am working on, as I believe in working on one thing at a time.

I need to start riding horses again and getting out and getting the great exercise that comes with riding horses at least a few times a week.  It is the only sport I am good at and can do as I have never been good at sports and was always the last one picked for any team.  Yet, I can ride a horse and I am good at it.

So while some people like to play golf, tennis, soft ball or run, I like riding horses.  Everyone can find at least one sport they are good in and for me it was riding horses.

I loved Tia so much.  She was a wonderful horse and we had many good time riding the trails along the North River in Marshfield.  She was an arab and was fast.  I loved to watch her run in the pasture and just play with the other horses.  I loved Jet my quarter horse I had in Los Altos Hills.  He too was quick and when we would race each other Jet would win.  He liked to fun fast and win.  He didn’t like to loose either.  We rode all over Los Altos Hills and many times were gone all day and packed a lunch.

30 minutes is over.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&feature=endscreen&v=PDZcqBgCS74

Great song

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HsNAjWlPQvk

Hope everyone has a great day.

Love

Chrisy

 

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