3 Feb 2013

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Good morning.

Glad I finished the journaling assignment for my csa survivors group.  It was a tough one for me.

I hope my being so open about my treatment for the PTSD will encourage and inspire other women to seek treatment and help in dealing with their child sexual abuse trauma that is still effecting them and causing them pain in their adult years.

Yes, I take a risk that White Nationalists will use my being open to help other women seek help for the PTSD, against me.  As I am doing my journal writing assigned each week on my online journal.  Yet, I have always led by example and not just words, so that means I have to show that there is healing and peace out there for us.  We have to go through the pain at the beginning of the journey but hopefully once we make it through to the other side, we will be able to embrace the good future we were born for.

There is a better life out there.  We need to remember that we were children and IT WASN’T OUR FAULT.  Yes, the pain is still there.. I don’t think the pain of me being CONDEMNED by people and LIED ABOUT will ever go away.  I just hope that someday the wound will heal a little bit and I can someday think that NOT ALL AMERICANS HARSHLY JUDGE THE VICTIM OF CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE AND TREAT US AS THE CRIMINAL AND LET THE GUILTY ADULT HAVE A FREE PASS TO GO ON TO THE NEXT CHILD TO SEXUALLY ABUSE AND TURN THEIR LIFE INTO A LIVING HELL TOO.

Brad was a great guy.  He fought against Mike Strassburger and made that HELL STOP…  He made me feel safe and protected when I was with him.  The time with Brad was a good time period in my life, as I didn’t have to endure the hell of being forced into having sex or dating someone I didn’t want to date.

There is a pattern you know. We discussed this in group and all of us have a pattern of the bad happening to us time and time again.  I think we all wonder if we were born under an unlucky star?

Some you women might wonder what happen between Brad and me?  Before I got to Saratoga High he was dating another girl, and she couldn’t get over him so about half way through the year she threaten to kill herself if he didn’t go back with her.  He still had feelings for her and didn’t want her to harm himself.  I too didn’t want her to harm herself, as you see I have a big heart.. I told him he and I must do the right thing and stop seeeing each other for a time so that he can focus on helping her.  It was very hard on both of us as we loved each other very much.  Yet, how could we have lived with ourselves if she had carried out her threat to kill herself.

Years later we found each other on the computer and we had a chance to talk about things.  He told me it was the worst mistake he ever made in going back to her and leaving me.  He felt guilty about something that he never told me, and I told him that whatever it is he feels he did toward me or didn’t do toward me that he is sorry for that I forgive him.  He said but you have suffered in this life, and I said I am always your friend for life and always will be and I will never judge you.

I don’t know if unconditional love and loyality is a gift or a curse.

Once someone is my friend and I love them, it is for life.. No matter what they do or don’t do, I still love them and am on their side forever.  I don’t turn love on and off like one turns on and off a light switch.

While others have given up on Cathy, I haven’t and will never give up on her.  I heard she has a drug problem.  No one will tell me about her and I don’t even know if she is dead or alive.  I am just suppose to forget about my very first friend in the world from Rindge Ave in Playa Del Ray? Don’t think so.

I use food to stuff my pain in, so maybe we can help each other find healthy ways to deal with things in life.  I know one thing as long as she is alive, I am never giving up on her.

Thinking I may try mass again today, but this time at St Mary’s.  Don’t know yet.

Brad and I haven’t spoken in years.  We both were happy that we had a chance to talk and end things on a good note.  It made me feel good to know that I was the person that gave him the happiest memories of high school.  He was the person that gave me the happiest memories of high school.

I will always love him for standing up to Mike Strassburger and fight for me.  Mike Strassburger deserved the pounding Brad gave him.  Brad finally did meet a nice woman he married and had children with.  Someday I hope that I will meet a nice man who value a woman like me who will love him unconditionally and never judge him, but help him turn into reality all his dreams and goals.  His best friend who will always be his safe harbor in any storm he faces in life, and will be my best friend who will be my safe harbor.  Who will defend me and stand up for me and proclaim to the world I am telling the truth…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rtOvBOTyX00

Whoever he is, he will be loved better then he has ever been in his life.

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