1 Feb 2013

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Good morning.  Wish everyone a happy Friday.

Talked to a couple of more friends of my mother last night when I called to tell them she died.  Both of them go back many years as she knew them when she was young.  The friend in Salina is going to put the picture and obit in the local Salina paper.  The other friend from Rindge Ave is in the hospital but her husband says that he will tell her today.  Our parents generation in our old neighborhood in Playa Del Ray is dying out.

In group yesterday we did a timeline of our lives.  I talked about Rindge Ave and talked about the good thing is that with facebook we were able to form a private group of the families that lived there and the children/youth who are all grown up can still have fellowship and show love and support to each other on facebook.  That I am realizing the city of los Angeles and the LAX airport destroyed our physical neighborhood but with the internet and facebook we are back in contact and the strong love we all had is still there.  It was a great community and we still are a great community of people on facebook.

Hoping to reconnect with my very first friend in the world.  We both have gone through some difficult times in our lives.  Different problems, but still rough times.  Hoping that we can both get healthy and move forward in life and embrace a good future for both of us in our 50’s.

When someone is my friend they are my friend for life and I never give up on them.  Others may give up on them, but I NEVER GIVE UP ON THEM.  I will never give up on Cathy.

Am thinking of going to visit my friend next weekend for a few days… Benji and I can spend some time with my friend.

You know I don’t cry very easy.  I haven’t cried for my mother.. I loved her, but I am used to stuffing my feelings down and was taught crying is weak. 

I also put in my timeline about the 60’s and watching my childhood hero murdered and how to this day I will not watch any footage of this last day on earth.  I saw it once and plan to never see it again with my eyes.  I think that is a source of the PTSD too.  In the 60’s we had three great men murdered… I remember!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KPdYViBu0is

Abraham, Martin, and John

I don’t think adults realized just how much children were effected who watched their childhood heroes murdered in cold blood had on us emotionally…  They didn’t realize that PTSD was an effect of the trauma of seeing people we loved and respected and admired killed in cold blood.

I will never forget the night Bobby Kennedy was shot.  I was a kid for Kennedy and 10 years old.  I had talked adults into switching from the Republican party to become Democrats just so they could vote for him that day in the CA Primary.  I felt good about the votes I got for him…  It started out as a happy evening because we won.

Then it changed to one of the worst nights in my life.  I think part of the reason why I hate CA so much is because that is where he was killed.  Children/youth tend to blame the place where evil happens and I have always done that.  I have always had a love/hate relationship with CA as I loved Rindge and we had happy times there and good people in our small neighborhood community.  It all changed when we left Rindge.  It all changed when my childhood hero who I loved and admired because of his courage and passion was shot in cold blood in the city of my birth.  I will never forget that he died on my sister’s birthday in the hospital of my birth.

Those of us born in the 50’s and were children in the 60’s lived through a lot of violence toward great men who loved this country and wanted to fight for what was right and stand for what was right.  They were all men of ideals and courage.

The younger people who were not alive in the 60’s or old enough to remember don’t understand how the times and murders effected us emotionally.

Then add I was abused for my choice of hero, because he wasn’t liked by the Right Wing.  It didn’t stop me from holding him dear to my heart and hoping that his son had half the courage and compassion and passion that their dad had and would want to join me in fighting against the evils of childhood sexual abuse and White Nationalist Nazi Hate.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=53QPS3avaf4

I will never give up the hope and desire to talk things out with J.  One of the biggest desires I have is that we both desire to end things on a good note and decide to both do the right thing as Catholics and talk to each other and be honest with each other.  To have real PEACE between us and maybe even HELPING each other to do the right thing.  Will always love him uncondtionally as my FRIEND.  LIKE CATHY I WILL NEVER GIVE UP ON J.

before I leave the Mainland of the United States, I plan to take a trip to Boston and do a cleansing ritual.. Once I leave the Mainland I won’t be back for a long time if ever.  So I want to leave with all the old toxic stuff gone so that I am not taking any of it with me, but can start with no chains.

I have proved I am a true and loyal friend…  maybe someday he will value and see my true worth as his friend..

Need to think about getting started on doing a few things.  Will write more later.

Love

Chrisy

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