29 Jan 2013

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Good morning.  Up early this morning.  Been thinking about our years at the Westport Beach Club and Playa Del Ray.  On facebook we have a private group of just families that were the Westport Beach Club and I know I posted a picture of my mother with a couple of the other ladies and other pictures others have posted of those years of people that we knew makes me happy that I was lucky enough to have been part of that community.

The airport took over our part of Playa Del Rey, so the only thing that remains is streets and sidewalks and other structures that the airport didn’t remove when they took down the houses.  We were a close neighborhood and many happy memories were made there.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZcOHTlnJKKg

We were 9113 Rindge Ave. 

One of the people in our group posted a picture of their dad, who is dead now too sailing off of Marina Del Ray.  We kept our boat there so I remember the Marina before it was all built up and I know I would be lost if I vistied that marina now. 

The Wesport Beach club is condos now.  The only thing that remainds that I visited as a kid is the Marina.  The hamburger shack is still there that was on the hill as that was in the side of Playa Del Ray that survived.

I think that as long as people remember, that those times and people still live on in our hearts, even though they are not physically in our lives anymore.  Even though our old neighborhood is not physically there anymore, we still gather together and share our love for each other as we have always done on facebook now in our private group of Westport Beach Club.

Need to work on my journal assignment.

I have 20 minutes to write and then must stop at that time.

I feel that my chance of marriage and family was taken away from me and I am angry at that.  Instead of giving my virginity to the man who would promise to love, honor and protect me and who I would promise to love, honor and obey; that gift was stolen by an evil gardner.

Then to top it off, instead of love and compassion being showed me I got blame and condemnation.  I was told it was my fault or people denied I ever told them or they said it didn’t happen when it DID HAPPEN.  I feel like I was the one punished and the evil gardener got off free and never suffered a day of pain in his life, while my life has been everyday in pain and suffering since the day he sexually molested me.

I had wanted to be the best wife and mother I could be, and because of that evil man making me damaged goods, no decent man is ever going to want me.. That man destroyed my dream in an instant. 

I would make such a great wife and mother.  Loved children and always have.  Wanted to have a big family with lots of love and hopefully that great  fellowship that we had in the Rindge neighborhood and the Westport Beach club. 

I am getting very upset and emotional right now.  But I have to write for 20 minutes without stopping, so I must continue…

In the my groups they are trying to get me to use the word I, instead of we..  I have a hard time with using I, because Jeff would punish me for being selfish when I used I.  I tend to use ” we” because that why I can’t be punished for using I. Yet to the group leaders we is generalizing and that goes against the rules. 

I don’t like you because that is judging people.  We is what I use because I am used to not putting myself into the equation, as I don’t want to be accused and punished for being selfish and thinking of myself…  Will have to talk to the Leader of the group about that so she understands why I tend to use we instead of I.

They are having a march in March against violence, which will include child sexual abuse.. They would love to hear from surviors. I write better then I speak and I don’t think the other girls in the group can do public speaking at this point in time.  To bad my old friend in MA won’t talk to me as he could speak for us and say the things we want to say and wish we could say, if we hadn’t been destroyed emotionally by evil men who like to have sex with little girls… Who viewed us as dolls and not little girls who have feelings.  They got what they wanted, but at what price?  We are left to suffer in our HELL for the rest of our natural life while they suffer no pain and move on to the next child to sexually abuse.

I wonder if he would even want to be part of a march against violence in America?  Does J.. even care about this issue?

If he were to join us in Phoenix for this event, he would bring a lot of attention to this important Cause, and hopefully much needed resources brought into play to help child sexual victims, so they don’t have to wait until they are 54 before they finally receive help in dealing with the PTSD.

Every single on of us in my group is effected and has suffered and lived in her own personal HELL.. We are trying to get the help now.

Do I reach out to J.. again to see if he is willing to speak for us to the rest of the world?

This is only one topic that J.. and I need to talk about.  We have White Nationalism too. 

I will always love J.. as my friend, inspite of the mean way he treats me. 

I will be glad when the buzzer goes off and I can stop writing.

Please pray that J will finally realize the truth and want to talk to me so we can end on a good note. J is part of my ptsd.

Can stop now.

 

1 Comment »

  1. 1
    chrisy58 Says:

    This song keeps playing through my mind right now. Guess it is because I haven’t given up on the dream that somewhere out in the world is the man God chose for me and I for him, and that someday when the time is right fate will bring us together at last, and we will know the happiness of being together for our golden years.

    Now that my mother has died, I don’t know yet, what the next chapter of my life will be. I hope that it will be happy and full of love. Would like to be active in doing good for others and fighting against the evil in the world.

    I love happy endings, and I like to think that happy endings are not just in the movies.


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