26 Jan 2013

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Didn’t sleep well last night.  To busy thinking of all that I have to do today and the days ahead. 

My Benji is a big comfort to me.  He was so good yesterday with all the strange people coming in and out of the house.

Feel sad about the death of Maryanne too as she was a really neat lady and I loved her very much.  In Nov. I lost Dianne and now in Jan I loose my Mom and Maryanne at the same time, as they died with 2 weeks of each other and I didn’t find out about Maryanne until the same day my Mom died.  So I feel like a double wammy.

I think I will go to church tomorrow.  Don’t know which one, but I will try and go as my Mother liked going to church and she would want me to go and say a few prayers for her and Maryanne.

 

You know how they say when God closes one door another door opens. So we will see what the next door will be to open to me, that I walk through. What will be the next chapter of my life? I might not know now, but God does.

Even though I am a terrible Catholic, I still believe in God and a higher power. I still believe that he watches over us and I hope love us. I have some questions because how can a loving God allow such terrible things to happen to children who are pure and innocent.

How do I forgive the evil gardener and the Americans who instead of helping me, threw the stones of their hurtful harsh judgment and words at me? God knows I was telling the truth about the gardener and yet, I was the one who was punished and put through hell and not the evil gardener?

How do I forgive Kitty Olive, a school teacher and so called friend of my father’s who told me that it never happen, when I know for a fact, the gardener did sexually rape me when I was a little girl. How do I forgive her for all the lies she told about me and to me? She stopped me from getting help several times. Did it bring her joy to see me suffer?

Yet the church is very clear that if we don’t forgive Jesus won’t forgive us our sins. Tell me how do I forgive?

I don’t care for Father Pierre. I wish I knew where Father Enzie was. I could talk to him.. Don’t even know if he is alive. There really isn’t a priest I have bounded here with.

Maybe God will finally send me the man I have always dreamed of since I was a little girl, before the evil gardener had me.

I was thinking if that made me a whore? I wanted to wait until my wedding night and give that gift to the man God had chosen to be my husband, yet, that was stolen from me and the man God chose for me. I wouldn’t be a virgin again after that. Does that make me damaged goods that no one would want for his wife?

I think this is part of the anger too.

I was in fifth grade. I didn’t even know what sex was, as my mother hadn’t even had the birds and bees talk with me. Yet, I was supposed to stop him, so it is my fault?

Maybe whoever he is will be fair minded and and not throw the stones of harsh judgment and words at me like the Americans I have known. That is where the picture comes from I drew last Thursday in group. Instead of helping me they condemned me and refused any act of kindness toward me. The after effects hurt me just as much as the sexual act the evil gardener did to me. I know it has left as deep of scare emotionally, and I might even add, it left a worst scare because the hurt and betrayal is felt even deeper.

I haven’t been with a man in 13 years, since my ex.. Even though to WN on VNN, I am a whore because of my one tatoo, I don’t think most people feel that way, do you?

You have to remember emotionally I am still that little girl in fifth grade who had her world shattered that day. Young girls dream of the man that someday they will marry and be good Catholic wives to and who will be the father of their children. Being a wife and mother is a good voacation within the church.

3 Comments »

  1. 1
    chrisy58 Says:

    I want to add the greatest part of the pain, my old friend from MA J.. Caused me is that he joined with the Americans who threw stones of hate, harsh judgment, condemnation, and lies.. I had dreamed that he would defend and speak the truth that needs to be said, as J.. Has a wonderful gift for public speaking. He would be a great voice for us children sexual abuse survivors. His dad was my hero, and I dreamed and hoped his oldest son would want to be our hero and protector and fight for our justice.

    I still love him unconditional as my friend and always will. I pray that he will want to end things with me on a good note and have real peace between us, and he will see the true me, that I have and will always be a true an loyal friend. His best friend who will never betray him.

    J.. We still need a hero and protector to fight for us and speak out for sexual child abuse. Please find it in your heart to talk to me.

  2. 2
    chrisy58 Says:

    Got the first thing done I needed to do today. Now am eating lunch before having to go to valley of the sun. Talked to my dear friend Nanette, who I was confirmed with. Talked to Cheryl too. Hope to go out to dinner with her next week.

  3. 3
    chrisy58 Says:

    Signed the papers at valley of the sun. Did take out, and am relaxing having a Guinness to relax. Hope I sleep better tonight.

    Picked the urn. So tomorrow I hope to go to church and light a candle for my mom and Maryanne.

    Thanks for your prayers.

    Tomorrow I will work a little on my journal homework for child sexual survives group.


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