Group was intense today

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Have the journal assignment for this week and it too will be intense.

You know my rebellion is a normal reaction.  Some people take the anger out on themselves and others like me take a different path.  I know the truth and if others don’t want to face the truth and live in their own reality then that doesn’t change anything, but that doesn’t mean that I have to respect them or deny the truth…

I know I am not explaining this right.

We had to feel a sheet out and I don’t have 100% of all the symptons of effects on my life because of childhood sexual abuse but I have at least 75 % of them.  Yet, the adults and schools said I was lying and it never happen to me or any other such foolishness.  So yes, I have anger and rebel against those in authority over me.

I was in fifth grade.  Yet, I was treated as the criminal and the one to blame…  I said that I feel stupid for trusting this person and talking to him about flowers and gardening.. I loved to work with roses and wanted to learn about all kinds of topics that deal with gardening and growing things.  Big mistake… Yet, why am I the one blamed and not the gardener?

We had to draw a picture of something that really hurt us and caused us pain.  My picture was of me standing in a box that one stands in when they are on trial.  I drew a group of people which I wrote Amerians.  Who said to me all the things people have told me my whole life regarding the sexual abuse with the gardener.

I was lying.  I was crazy.  It didn’t happen.  You didn’t stop it.  You are to blame.  You are stupid.  You deserved it.

then I put words coming out of my mouth.  I am telling the truth.  I am in pain.  I have feelings and not just some doll without feelings.  I am angry.  I don’t like the United States.  I am angry at the United States.  I want to go to the UK.  There is no truth or justice in the United States.

All my life I have felt like I was the victim of a witch hunt because I was the one punished for a crime I didn’t comment.  The adults and those in authority punished the victim ( child ) and let the adult man off free.. While he destroyed me, he never knew an ounce of pain.  Is that justice?  Is that American Justice?

Now we are moving into the anger into grief.  So this too should be an emotional week. 

A part of me feels validated that it was real.  The effects I have in my life are all very real and from childhood sexual abuse.  I AM NOT LYING.  IT DID HAPPEN.  IT WASN’T MY FAULT…  TO ALL THE ADULTS OUT THERE WHO BLAMED ME AND REFUSED TO HEAR OR EVEN SEE THE TRUTH AND HARSHLY JUDGED ME F..K YOU.

The f..k you is a common reaction and are very powerful words.  I KNOW THE TRUTH.  HOW DARE YOU TELL ME IT DIDN’T HAPPEN!!!!!

KITTY OLIVE I DON’T KNOW IF I CAN EVER FORGIVE YOU.  YOU ARE ANOTHER ONE WHO I HAVE A HARD TIME FORGIVING AND BECAUSE OF THAT I HAVE A HARD TIME WITH MY CATHOLIC FAITH BECAUSE WE ARE TAUGHT THAT JESUS SAID IF WE DON’T FORGIVE OTHERS THAT HE WON’T FORGIVE US.

We talked a little about forgiveness today.  I will think on that.

I am tired and drained so I don’t think I will write again until tomorrow.

 

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