24 Jan 2013

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rtOvBOTyX00

This song I can’t get out of my mind.  I would like to think that it isn’t to late for me to find the love I have always dreamed of between a man and woman. 

Has the evil gardener really won and took that joy and happiness away from me forever.  The joy of being joined as one flesh with the man who loves you unconditonally and that you love uncondtionally?

Why does evil always win over goodness?

Will anyone ever believe me that the gardener sexually molested me?  Will the blame always be on my head?  I was just a little girl, and yet, I am the one who has been punished.  Is that JUSTICE IN THE UNITED STATES?

I REALLY DON’T LIKE THE UNITED STATES.  BECAUSE I FEEL THAT TRUTH AND JUSTICE HAVE NO MEANING TO PEOPLE IN AUTHROITY OR POWER.  ONLY HARSH JUDGMENT AND JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS WITHOUT TAKING THE TIME TO UNDERSTAND THE TRUTH OR EVEN ME AS A PERSON. 

I AM PRETTY SURE THAT A PART OF MY DISLIKE FOR THE UNITED STATES COMES BACK TO MY BEING RAPED BY THE GARDENER AND NO ONE CARED, BUT PUT THE BLAME ON ME.  IT WAS DENIAL, LIE, AND COVER UP.  BUT AT WHAT PRICE?  THE PRICE OF ME AND MY EMOTIONAL WELL BEING AS A GIRL.

Group is today.  I feel sick.  I know some of the other women say they sometimes feel sick before going.  I think it is because of the emotion and you have to remember for most of my life, my mother has been in denial and blamed me for what happen, as she said at the time.  She said I didn’t stop him so it was my fault.  She is in denial that she had any role in what happen, as the mother and adult.  Yet, I don’t blame her like she blames me.  I try and blame the evil gardener, but no one really cared so he got a way with it.  It was denial, lies, and cover up and pretend that it never happen.  Shame on her.

I wonder if part of the misunderstanding and misjudgment comes from the fact that in mind I am more British then American?   Even though English is a common langauge, there is a difference in how Brits think vs Americans.  I have always fit in better with British people then American and feel like I am finally home when I am with them. That they understand me and don’t find fault with me, like Americans.

Maybe someday when I heal of the PTSD, my love that I had for America and Americans under President Kennedy will be restored and I won’t be so ANGRY… I JUST FEEL THAT AMERICANS IN AUTHORITY AND POWER DON’T WANT TO KNOW THE TRUTH AND SO THEY CLOSE THEIR EYES SO THEY DON’T HAVE TO SEE THE TRUTH AND FACE IT AND DO THE RIGHT THING TOWARD ME.  IT IS ALWAYS BLAME ME AND TELL ME I DESERVED TO BE SEXUALLY RAPED AND MOLESTED AS A CHILD LIKE THE SCHOOL DID, OR TO ALLOW THE LIES AND MISCONCEPTIONS CONTINUE TO BE THOUGHT OF AS THE TRUTH, INSTEAD OF STANDING UP AND SPEAKING UP FOR ME AND TELLING THE TRUTH FOR ME, WHEN BECAUSE OF THE TRAUMA I CAN’T EMOTIONALLY SPEAK UP FOR MYSELF.

ONE REASON WHY I PICKED MY ONE AMERICAN CHILDHOOD HERO/FAMILY WAS BECAUSE AT ONE TIME HE WAS AG OF THIS COUNTRY AND STUPID ME THOUGHT HE WOULD FIGHT FOR CHILDREN WHO WERE SEXUALLY ABUSED IN THE UNITED STATES.  I KNOW REALLY STUPID…

It is CRAZY that a little girl who was sexually molested would pick the AG of the United States as her hero when she was living in the United States.  It MAKES ME LOONEY TUNES TO THINK THAT I WOULD WANT TRUTH AND JUSTICE AND SO PICK A HERO THAT IS THE TOP LAW ENFORCMENT IN THIS NATION…

MAYBE SOMEDAY MY OLD FRIEND IN MA WILL FINALLY TALK TO ME HEART TO HEART AND CATHOLIC TO CATHOLIC AND WE CAN BOTH TELL THE TRUTH TO EACH OTHER AND HE PROVE TO ME THAT HE IS NOT A COWARD OR SCUM, BUT A GOOD MAN WHO HAS COURAGE, STRENGTH, PASSION, AND WHO BELIEVES IN TRUTH AND JUSTICE.  WHO WILL JOIN ME AND TOGETHER WE FIGHT AS ONE TEAM AGAINST WHITE NATIONALIST HATE AND SEXUAL ABUSE OF CHILDREN IN THIS COUNTRY.  1 IN FOUR GIRLS AND 1 IN SIX BOYS IN THE UNITED STATES ARE SEXUALLY MOLESTED BY THE AGE OF 14.  WE NEED SOMEONE TO REALLY START TO CARE ABOUT THIS ISSUE AND BRING THEIR RESOURCES TO THE FIGHT.

IT IS SHAMEFUL THAT THE UNITED STATES DIDN’T HAVE ONE CHILD ABUSE LAW ON THE BOOKS UNTIL 73…

EVEN THOUGHT I KNOW J AND I CAN ONLY BE FRIENDS, I STILL BELIEVE IN HIM AND WISH HE BELIEVED IN HIMSELF..  IF HE WERE TO WANT TO BE OUR HERO AND PROTECTOR, WE WOULD HAVE A GOOD WARRIOR ON OUR SIDE WHO WOULD FIGHT FOR US AND TO FIGHT AGAINST CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE IN THIS COUNTRY.  PLEASE PRAY THAT A MIRACLE HAPPENS AND THAT HE WILL WANT TO END THINGS ON A GOOD NOTE WITH ME TOO, AND WE CAN HAVE REAL PEACE BETWEEN US.  THAT OUR FRIENDSHIP WILL BE RESTORED.  WE LOST THAT BECAUSE OF ALL THE RUMOR AND LIES SPOKEN AND WRITTEN ABOUT US, BUT I BELIEVE THAT WE COULD START REBUILDING THAT FRIENDSHIP AGAIN AND WORK TOGETHER AS WE SHOULD HAVE ALL THOSE YEARS AGO TO FIGHT AGAINST THE JOIN EVIL OF WHITE NATIONALIST NAZI HATE AND SEXUAL CHILD ABUSE..

I WOULD BE A BIG HELP TO HIM.  AM SMART AND KNOW ALOT ABOUT THE ISSUES AS I HAVE LIVED IN THEIR HELL FOR MANY YEARS. 

THERE IS NO REASON WHY A PROGRESSIVE AND A CONSERVATIVE CAN’T JOIN FORCES AND WORK TOGETHER AS ONE POWERFUL FORCE ON THE ISSUES OF FIGHTING WHITE NATIONALIST NAZI HATE AND SEXUAL CHILD ABUSE.

LET US LEAD BY EXAMPLE J..

JUST BECAUSE I LOVE THIS MAN UNCONDITIONALLY, DOESN’T MEAN THAT I WOULD EVER BE MORE THEN JUST FRIENDS. 

I may write more as it is going to be a hard session today as I don’t like thinking about the evil gardener.

Chrisy 

 

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