21 Jan 2013

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H1iR2Wi3u5o

Start out the morning with a little AC/DC.  They are Scottish like I am Scottish.  We both have roots in Glasgow.   Someday I will make it to both Scotland and England and see where my grandparents are from.

Been thinking about my letter to my sexual abuser when I was 11 years old.  Will work on my homework for survivors group later today.  So I will be writing it later on my journal…

I was the first latch key kid.  I spent a lot of time home alone after school and before my mom came home from her social events.  I remember once she forgot to pick me up at Pinewood, which is a private school in Los Altos I went to from the time I was in third grade through fifth grade.  So she two gets a letter for failing to protect me.  So there will be two letters written this week for my homework.. 

One to my mother and the other to the Greek gardener.

Think I am starting to feel a little better with the cold, but still have a long way to go.  Need to get some more cold med today, which does help with the breathing, cough and sore throat.  Alot of people are sick or have been sick this Winter, so far.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&v=lsmXLGKdkW4

I still have a lot of anger toward the Greek Gardener… From that day forward until now, I don’t like anything Greek.  No Greek food or Greek Heritage.  I don’t even like to study Greek HISTORY.

I think that is one reason why I can’t fully accept the friendship from a Greek man who would like to be more then friends.  As much as I try and open up to him and accept his wanting to be more then friends, I can’t!!!!!!!!!!

I trusted a Greek man once before and look where it got me.

My fear of any thing Greek is not because I am racist but because of the pain of being sexually molested by a Greek gardener when I was a little girl.  And having to live with the effects of that event every day for the rest of my life.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Kjh9lQXLWk

This song played this morning as I was walking Benji.

I feel like I have been living in hell, since the Greek gardener had his way with me sexually…

The sad thing is that even though our stories are different the effects are the same…  All of us are living in hell afterwards.

Need to stop now.. Can only deal with so much at a time.

 

 

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2 Comments »

  1. 1
    chrisy58 Says:

    I think anger is a common emotion that victims of childhood sexual crimes feel.

  2. 2
    chrisy58 Says:

    Someday I will meet Mr. Right. We will fight White Nationalism and other evil together as one. We will love, respect, and trust each other unconditionally..

    He will understand why a part of me is afraid of love and sometimes goes to fight mode to deal with my passion, because of being sexually abused and raped as a child. Both love and war are passionate, so both are a good way to release the feelings of passion. I don’t always want to be in fight mode. Someday I would like to be able to go in love mode with the right man and be able to let myself go and be able to show a soft side of me…

    I know the right man will know all about me and will understand and love me anyway, as I will love him inspite of his emotional baggage too. We all have emotional baggage. I will help him and he will help me and together we will heal from all the past pain and hurt in our lives.

    Always like to try and end things on a good note. That is why I haven’t given up on my old friend in MA finally finding the courage within himself to talk to me and we tell each other the truth and find a way to make real peace as Catholics and when we give each other the Catholic sign of peace mean it from the heart.

    I don’t want anything from him but peace. J is happy and I am glad for that. I plan to work though my ptsd with the therapy I am in, and hope that I can find someone who will love me uncondtionally as I will love him. There are many kinds of love. I love J as a love of a friend. That is all we can ever be. But I can be a best friend who has the courage and strength to tell him the truth even if he doesn’t want to hear it. That is being a best friend, you know, telling someone the truth, even though you might have to face their anger for doing so. Maybe someday J will realize the truth about me and understand the true me?

    The perfect man for me will have courage, strength, passion, a good mind, a good heart, and someone who is strong enough to handle this strong willed woman and put me in my place out of love ( not anger).

    Need to go and get some more oranges to make orange juice.


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