9 Jan 2012

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Good morning.  Didn’t sleep well as it was to hot.  I have always been hot.  Hot was my first word ever spoken.  I know that because it is written in my baby book.

Drinking my coffee and trying to put a positive spin on the world.

Am moving forward with opening up to meet a Brit, that I could first become friends with and see what develops.  Working on myself with the ptsd therapy and just allowing me to think that if I do meet a nice man that I can open up and let him have a chance to win my heart and unconditonal love, respect and trust.

At this point in time, I don’t want an American man.  Sorry, but I have yet found an American man that in the end doesn’t cause me heartache and pain.  Yes, my old friend from MA who said it wasn’t his probelm when I was abused over him and his uncle, when I finally had the courage to ask someone for help, does play a role in my rejection of the AMERICAN MAN.  Jeff too plays a role in my not respecting or trusting American man anymore.  I feel they lie and say what they need to say to get what they want, and when they have it they treat you like crap.   They both lack any real courage and honor, so thanks but no thanks as far as me wanting to allow anymore American men into my heart.

I don’t care if I end up alone at this point because I am stuck in America and my choice is AMERICAN MEN and I don’t want AMERICAN MEN LIKE J AND JEFF.

It was an American man who because I wouldn’t have sex with him threw me out of his car in the middle of nowhere.  It was an American who put something in my coke to make me pass out.  It was an American who would I said no to having sex with him forced me to have sex with him, which is date rape.  Thanks but no thanks.  I have had enough pain from the way AMERICAN MEN TREAT WOMEN…

Tomorrow I start the Survivors group.  I am both nervous and excited at the same time.  Only a fool says they never get nervous.  Courage is being nervous but overcoming those feelings and moving ahead anyway, because it is the best thing to do.

Somewhere out there is a man who will take it slow and not rush me.. Who will start out as friends first as I believe the strongest and best relationships are with people who are best friends besides lovers.  That has that strong foundation to build on.  Why is it that men think they can build a strong relationship with a woman if they push the sex on the first, second, or even third date?  American men seem to think, that it is ok to force a girl/woman to have sex with her if they buy her dinner on a date.  I am old school and I wasn’t aware that a new memo went out that said if a man asked you out on a date and bought you dinner that you had to give him sex on the first date.  There is hope for this man, as the next day he called and said he was sorry, that he realized that he had raped me.. I might have saved the next girl he asked out on a date the same pain of being forced to have sex with someone who she really didn’t know as this was the first date.

This sexual survivors group will be good for me as I have a lot of emotional baggage because of how I have been treated sexually by AMERICAN MEN.

My best dating experiences and relationships have been with BRITS.  So I think for now anyway, it is best to stay with BRITS and HALF BRITS.  Have always been more British in my mindset then American.  About 8 years ago there was a nice Brit from Surrey, outside of London that I talked to on the computer. We were good friends, if I hadn’t been stuck in the states we would have become more then friends as we had a lot in common and really liked each other and wanted to take it to the more then just friends stage.  The long distance was a killer to the relationship and he finally met someone in the UK who he could actually be with in person. 

I think all of us wonder if we had a time machine and could go back in time, if we would change things.  I know I would have changed things.  For one, I would have insisted that I go to Boarding school in England or Scotland.  I would have stayed in the UK and met and married an nice Brit and had the family I always wanted.  I love children and would have been a great mom.  I regret that I never have been able to find a nice American guy like the nice British guys I have known in this life.  I regret staying in America.  I was supposed to go to boarding school in England/Scotland when my dad was supposed to work in the middle east, but a war came in 1972 and his plans were changes.  He went to Asia instead and I stayed in CA with my mom.  I should have insisted I go to the boarding school in the UK while he was in Asia and not stayed in CA.

Remember this is my personal journal for me to vent my feelings out so I don’t stuff them down with food.  Sorry if I offend Americans with my true feelings, but I have been put through HELL and have PTSD because of the ABUSE AND TRAUMA I HAVE HAD TO ENDURE THESE 54 YEARS at the hands of AMERICANS AND THEN BEING TOLD WHEN I WENT FOR HELP ” IT ISN’T MY PROBLEM” HAS LEFT A VERY BAD TASTE IN MY HEART FOR AMERICANS.

Don’t forget about how when my father was in ASIA and was in danger and went to the American Embassy under Nixon, was told” IT WASN’T THEIR PROBLEM” and left him to rot there.. That it was the BRITISH GOVERNMENT who saved his life because he was British, because both his parents were British.

I have a lot of reason to distrust the AMERICAN GOVERNMENT.  KENT STATE is another example of why I don’t TRUST THE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT.  That too was under Nixon. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YnOoNM0U6oc

I will never forget.. Was 12 years old when the students were murdered by the troops on orders by the AMERICAN GOVERNMENT.

I know I am aging myself, but the terrible thing about PTSD is that we get stuck.. Who would have thought that AMERICAN TROOPS WOULD HAVE FIRED ON AMERICAN COLLEGE STUDENTS AND KILL THEM?

I DON’T BELIEVE THE TROOPS WOULD HAVE STARTED SHOOTING WITHOUT ORDERS FROM THE TOP.  TO START SHOOTING STUDENTS IS NOT SOMETHING THAT THE TROOPS THEMSELF WOULD DO WITHOUT ORDERS FROM SOMEONE ABOVE THEM.  I BELIEVE NIXON HAD TO BE THE ONE WHO GAVE THOSE ORDERS TO START SHOOTING..

Yes, they were protesting the WAR, but is that a reason to kill them?

I was 12, but I know that a lot of colleges at that time the students protested the WAR.  IT WAS THEIR RIGHT TO PROTEST A WAR THEY FELT AMERICAN HAD NO RIGHT TO BE FIGHTING IN.  DOES THAT GIVE THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES AND HIS GOVERNMENT THE RIGHT TO ORDER THE TROOPS TO START SHOOTING AT THE STUDENTS?

Young people today have their issues that they speak out on.  The Occupy Wall Street is an example of the PASSION  that college students back then felt about the VIET NAM WAR. What if Obama had TROOPS SHOOT THESE STUDENTS WHO PROTESTED WALL STREET?  WOULD THAT BE OK, BECAUSE THEY WERE PROTESTING AGAINST THE COZY RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN GOVERNMENT AND WALL STREET?  NO, IT WOULDN’T BE ALRIGHT, AND IT IS NOT ALRIGHT WHAT HAPPEN AT KENT STATE EITHER..

I have decided I am not going to pretend to feel something I don’t feel.  That is part of the problem, is that I stuff my feelings down with food and PRETEND.  I don’t respect the AMERICAN GOVERNMENT and haven’t since NIXON.

SORRY IF I OFFEND AMERICANS, BUT HOW CAN I RESPECT A GOVERNMENT WHO HAS NO REGARD FOR ITS OWN PEOPLE?  WHO LOOK AT US AS ACCEPTABLE DAMAGE AND DON’T CARE ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS TO US?  I CAN’T.  IF YOU CAN STILL PRETEND THIS IS A GOOD GOVERNMENT WHO IS HONEST AND REALLY CARES ABOUT US, THEN GREAT.  I CAN’T PRETEND ANYMORE, WHEN I KNOW THE TRUTH, THAT THEY DON’T GIVE A DAMM ABOUT US.

We will see what happens as I work the SURVIVORS Group.

 

 

 

 

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