29 Dec 2012

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This picture is from Cape Cod. Been thinking of my dad and we had happy times on Cape Cod. My dad loved to sail, and he died two weeks before his birthday, which he had planned to rent a yacht and sail around MA and Maine with friends. We were looking forward to it, but he died before we could do that. At least he had fun planning his birthday for that year. It will be 23 years coming in 2013 that I have been home to MA. That is a long time.

Who says you can’t go home.

I would like to go home and put some flowers on the family graves in Boston, MA… Need to take a trip home and spend time walking along the ocean.

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Today the work men are coming back to finish putting in the fire alram replacements, so it should be interesting and I am sure I will be able to cut the tension with a knife. That is why it is going to be hard to find someone ( a woman) to come in and help me by taking care of her when I go to my PTSD Groups that start up again in the new year. The woman will have to be a WASP.

Here comes the Sun- The Beatles

Just have to keep believing that going through the PTSD therapy is going to open up a brand new world for me… It is helping me a lot and I can see the progress of where I am now vs where I was before I started getting healing and treatment. Remeber PTSD is not about what is wrong with us, but what happen to us. WE ARE NOT DANGEROUS.

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Also wanted to share that I dreamed of my old friend of MA again. In my dreams he has his awakening and realizes he was wrong to tell me ” IT’S NOT MY PROBLEM”, when I asked him for help that day in the barn, without asking me one question. I WILL NEVER FORGET THAT MOMENT AND THE EMOTIONAL SHUT DOWN IT CAUSED ME. I WAS IN SHOCK AND DIDN’T RESPOND VERBALLY TO HIM. Never in my life have I been treated so badly by anyone I have ASKED FOR HELP, IN DEALING WITH MY MOTHER’S ABUSE…

THEN ADD THAT I NEED TO TALK TO HIM ABOUT WHITE NATIONALISM, BECAUSE HE IS THE ONLY ONE I KNOW IN REAL LIFE WHO HAS RESOURCES TO BRING TO THE BATTLE OF FIGHTING WHITE NATIONALIST HATE.

I FEEL VERY STRONGLY THAT HE NEEDS TO FIND THE COURAGE AND STRENGTH WITHIN TO FACE ME A GIRL, AND TALK TO ME. HE NEEDS TO PUT ON HIS BIG BOY PANTS AND FACE ME AND TALK TO ME CATHOLIC TO CATHOLIC AND WE NEED TO WORK THROUGH OUR PROBLEMS AND MISUNDERSTANDINGS AND FIND SOLUTIONS AND THEN JOIN TOGETHER AS ONE FORCE AND FIGHT WHITE NATIONALISM. HE NEEDS TO JOIN THE BRAVE SOULS THAT I KNOW WHO FIGHT WHITE NATIONALISM ON THE FRONTLINES AND WHO NEED MUCH NEEDED RESOURCES TO FIGHT AND WIN. WE NEED MY OLD FRIEND TO JOIN THE FIGHT AGAINST NAZI HATE. I KNOW IF MY CHILDHOOOD HERO WERE ALIVE HE WOULD HAVE HELPED ME AND HE WOULD HAVE JOINED THOSE OF US WHO ARE FIGHTING AGAINST WHITE NATIONALIST NAZI HATE.

THAT IS WHY I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY HIS ELDEST SON HAS ALWAYS TREATED ME SO BADLY. WHY DOES HE HATE ME SO MUCH? WHAT IS MY CRIME THAT JUSTIFIES HIS CRUEL BEHAVIOR TOWARD ME? WAS IT LOVING HIM UNCONDTIONALLY AS A FRIEND AND WANTING TO HELP HIM TO BE THE BEST HE COULD BE IN HIS WORK? WAS IT HAVING THE COURAGE AND STRENGTH TO STAND UP TO HIM AND BE HONEST WITH HIM, WILLING TO FACE THE EFFECTS OF BEING HONEST WITH HIM? MAYBE SOMEDAY HE WILL HAVE THE GUTS TO TELL ME WHAT CRIME I AM ACCUSED OF THAT CAN JUSTIFY NOT HELPING A TRUE LADY IN DISTRESS WHEN SHE COMES TO YOU FOR HELP.

WE HAVE UNRESOLVED BUSINESS WE MUST TALK THROUGH. PLEASE PRAY THAT A MIRACLE WILL HAPPEN AND HE WILL FINALLY TALK TO ME AND REALLY LISTEN.. THAT HE WILL REALIZE IT DOESNT’ MAKE HIM LESS OF A MAN TO TALK TO AND LISTEN TO A WOMAN AND LEARN FROM HER. I HAVE THE COURAGE TO FACE HIM AND ADMIT MY MISTAKES. HE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE TO SAY HE IS SORRY, AS I LOVE HIM UNCONDTIONALLY AS MY FRIEND, BUT HE DOES HAVE TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT AND CLEAR UP THE MISUNDERSTANDINGS AND LIES HE TOLD AND BELIEVED ABOUT ME.

PART OF MY CATHOLIC FAITH CRISIS IS BECAUSE OF HIM. HE REALLY NEEDS TO FACE ME BECAUSE RIGHT NOW, BY HIS ACTIONS AND BEHAVIOR TOWARD ME, HE HAS MADE ME FEEL THAT JESUS DOESN’T LOVE ME OR CARE ABOUT ME. IS THAT SOMETHING HE IS PROUD OF, HELPING TO HIJACK ANOTHER CATHOLIC’S FAITH IN THE CHURCH AND GOD? SOMEDAY GOD MAY HAVE A FEW WORDS TO SAY ABOUT HIS TREATMENT OF ME THAT WAS UNJUST AND WRONG. I WANT US TO CLEAR THINGS UP ON THIS SIDE OF LIFE AND MAKE A REAL AND LASTING PEACE BETWEEN US AND GIVE EACH OTHER THE SIGN OF PEACE AS CATHOLICS.

All you need is Love- The Beatles.

Please pray that my old friend in MA come and talk to me and realize the truth about me and decides it is time for us to talk things out. I tell him the truth to his questions and he tell me the truth to my questions.

That we can treat each other with love and respect. That we will make lasting PEACE.

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