18 Dec 2012

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Good morning.

Today is a new day and I am determine not to binge eat today. Yesterday I didn’t do very well, but today is a new day and I can control my eating today… One day at a time…

Had a dream last night about getting my eating under control again and get back on the diet… I do want to start riding horses again and so I want to get back in shape body wise. In my dream I had a horse again to ride and was able to teach my friend Julie’s younger children how to ride on a pony…

John Lennon- This is Christmas

Most of my life, I have taken wrath upon me because I am stronger then most. That is being a friend and that is love… If I know I am stronger then my friend, I take the wrath upon me so they don’t have to deal with it. Some would say that is stupid, but I think that is what loyal friends do for each other. They defend and protect each other and the strong protect the weaker.

All my life, people have said I hate my mother because I am angry at her. Those people should not be working in education around children as they know nothing. You only get angry at people because you LOVE THEM. IF YOU DIDN’T LOVE THEM YOU WOULDN’T BE HURT BY THEM AND IT IS WHEN YOU GET HURT BY THEM YOU GET ANGRY. THE OPPOSITE OF LOVE IS NOT HATE BUT INDIFFERENT. REMEMBER YOU ONLY GET ANGRY WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEONE ENOUGH THAT THEIR ACTIONS HURT YOU. IF YOU HATE SOMEONE YOU ARE INDIFFERENT AND DO NOT CARE ENOUGH TO BE HURT BY THEIR ACTIONS TOWARD YOU. SO I WANT TO MAKE IT CLEAR THAT I LOVE MY MOTHER. I GET ANGRY WITH HER AND DON’T ALWAYS LIKE WHAT SHE SAYS OR DOES TO ME, BUT I ALWAYS LOVE HER AS MY MOTHER. HOPE THAT CLEARS THE FALSE RECORD ABOUT ME ON THAT TOPIC.

All my life there had been lies spoken and written about me by those who think they know the truth about me but in real life KNOW NOTHING… THEY ONLY GOSSIP AND SPREAD MORE LIES THAT ARE BELIEVED AS TRUTH. IF THEY HAD TAKEN THE TIME TO COME AND TALK TO ME IN PERSON AND NOT JUST BELIEVE EVERYTHING WRITTEN AND SPOKEN ABOUT ME AS THE GOSPEL TRUTH, WHEN IT WAS IN FACT GOSSPIP AND RUMORS, THEN MAYBE JUST MAYBE THEY WOULD HAVE FOUND THE TRUE ME AND NOT JUST SPREAD MORE LIES ABOUT ME DOWN THE RUMOR CHAIN.

Meet me in St Louis- Have yourself a merry little Christmas

I love this movie… Hope I see it on the classic movie channel this Christmas season.

I am not as good as Catholic as I used to be. Have you ever prayed and prayed that God would work in a sitution and the truth come out and it is resolved because the other party faces you and you get a chance to tell them the truth from your own lips and then you talk out the issues face to face; only to have nothing happen year after year. After years of hoping, praying, and believing that God would bring a resolution to the problem, you finally realize that God doesn’t hear your prayer. He doesn’t care enough about you as a believer in his church on earth to bring resolution to the problem.. That is where I am now. I will never be a hyprocrit, so I don’t go to church anymore or am an active Catholic at this time in my life.

If you are Catholic please pray that God will resolve the issue between me and my old friend in MA. You don’t need to know his name as God does. Pray that God will resolve this issue and he will find the courage to face me and we can talk out our problems, find solutions, and fight against White Nationalism as one team. If I see God works a miracle and something good comes from this very bad situation then I will know that God and Jesus really does love his people and his Catholic church on earth. Then I could believe again and come back to the Catholic church and know in my heart that Jesus does love me.

The Carpenters- Merry Christmas Darling

Will write later in my journal as I am trying to get my feelings out on my journal so I can quit binge eating and get my eating under control again.

Love
Chrisy

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