This is my personal journal online. I am trying tomove into the 21t century, though I still keep my private journal that I write out. Been thinking of Br. Boston in my sleep as I work out my past pain that is part of the ptsd.
I am working on my feelings so that I can write him one last letter sometime this Summer. It will most likely be toward the beginnign fo Fall before it is finished and I mail it to the person who I asked to represent me with this person. Yes, I am in LOVE with Mr. Boston. Always have been since the first moment I looked into his baby blue eyes and we stood smiling at each other just because we were happy to be there together. Words don’t have to be spolken, a smile says it all. I love this person as my borther kn law loves my sister. They met at college, went their seperate ways and met later in life. The love was still there and they got back together and married and are living happily ever after. He is a great man, and I am so happy, my sister has someone who loves her like that. When you really love someone from the heart, you never stop loving them even though distance or circumstances seperate you. How do you turn love on and off like turning a light switch off and on?
There is a part of me that is afraid that once he finds the truth the if he did try and kiss me I would melt and submit, but I think that is why I keep it in fight mode. If I put my energy in FIGHTING WHITE NATIONALISTS AND ALL THE OTHER CAUSES FOR THE EVERYMAN, then I am not putting my focus and energy on the LOVE side of life. That side of life scares me, as i was raped and then Jeff would try and beat me into submission. I am like a Arab horse that is fast like the wind with spirit. I also have grace. One doesn’t beat a strong horse into submission. The horse will become stronger and grow to hate you. I don’t hate anyone, but if I did Jeff adn White Nationalists would be first on the list. I have never known the joy of being with someone in that way that I loved as much as they loved me. Maybe someday I will meet another man like Mr. Boston that touches me in that way, of maybe wanting to see what the love side of life is about. So far, I haven’t. So I am and continue to be in FIGHT MODE AND THEN INSPIRE OTHERS TO LEAVE THE IDIOTS BEHIND.
My mother hates Mr. Boston with a passion. I am not sure why, maybe she knows deep down in side that he is the love of my life and hates that fact. I am honest and when I feel he is right I defend him and stand up to her and say he is right you are wrong, which then makes the abuse even worst, but I am not going to lie just to save myself some abuse.
What is she afraid of? My becoming a Lib eral Democrat? I am a different generation and person. I am like my dad’s side and the Boston side of the family. I am not sure my family will be supportibe when I say I need to go back home to Boston and put flowers on my family’s graves in Lyann and just work out all the crap that people like my mom and the olives said about my dad when he was dead and couldn’t defend himself. I know he loved me inspite of what my mom says. Who says to their daughter that the dad who was the only real love and was the person who kept them sane in the hell house, wanted to abort me and that she had to fight for me to be born as he didn’t want me? He is dead so how can he defend himself against her statments?
I haven’t given up on Mr. Boston and I still believe in him. I believe with my help and giving him all the tools he needs that he could be a great man who fulfills the destiny he was born to, as I would fulfill my destiny that I was born to as Mayflower and Daughter of the American Revolution. We both have the same dream, I believe, though in different roles. I am old fashion so I want to be the helpmate and the one who helps the other be the best he can be to and soar higher then he ever thought possible.
I don’t know why he is being such a jerk to me. Why own’t he talk to the best friend he has ever had, who loves him as he is. Who doesn’t want to change him, but wants to help him succeed at being the berst he can be in the role he was born to do. Yes, I am proud of him. I don’t always like what he does, as I think he needs to open himself up more to the truth and less not giving a person a chance to defend and prove they are telling the truth. I ahve never looked him in the eyes and lied to him. I never would. The most important thing is tat we both know the truth and support each other in our duty. Duty first, duty second and duty third.
Yes, this will be a very intersting letter. I keep on hoping and praying that this time, he will face the truth and see my true heart of gold and realize that WE need him in the FIGHT AGAINST WHITE NATIONALIST LEADERS LIKE DAVID DUKE. You can’t take these men for granted. They are growing in numbers and in political power.
I know the political side like my friends husband knows the skinhead side. Each of us in our own way and in our own spere is trying to do the right thing. I don’t have the resources to continue my fight on my own. I ntted to team up with Mr. Boston who does have the resources. He can take my research and knowledge/wisdom and go after these evil men. That is called being a team and working together for the betterment of both. If he will protect me I will obey him without question ( if later he will explain to me the reasons why so I can learn). I will only speak to him and he will speak for me. He is my words, and I will give him every tool he needs to go after these evil men.
You would think a match made in heaven and one that fairytales are made of, wouldn’t you? Yes, as we are a lot a like and we are the only ones strong enough to deal and handle the other one. I have yet to find a man who could reign me in and stand up to me. I doubt he has yet met a woman who has the courage I do and tell him he is wrong, but I don’t care about that, let’s just get it right so we both can be the people we need to be and that we were born to be. This nation needs us to WORK TOGETHER AS ONE TEAM.
I did go on the WN sites last night for research. They are having a political meeting in Sept. Sept 15 is the exact date. David duke will be there, which doesn’t surprise me as well as other leaders I know in person. Only a FOOL is going to continue to laugh and make a joke out of David Duke and white Nationalists. David is one very smart man and knows what he is doing and what has to be done for them to gain political power. He has been and continues to be very powerful within the Republican Party not only in the South but in other places. The White Nationalists have a public radio show in FL which is bringing people to their side. I know them. I know their political agenda and goals as I there learning and reading so at some point I could start fighting them. I need HELP in fighting them.
That is where Mr. Boston needs to step up to the plate and we work together to FIGHT the evil White Nationalists. We need to STOP FIGHTING EACH OTHER AND START WORKING TOGETHER AS ONE TEAM AGAINST THEM.
We need to start being nice to each other and put aside our anger, and pre judged thoughts of one another. We need to as fellow Catholics find the peace and then go after the evil White Nationalists together as one force. We would win that way. If we continue to be seperate and the one person who I know in the world as a friend continues to fail me, then the White Nationalist Neo Nazis win and America looses.
I feel like I am in the twlight zone. I am trying to do right and the one person who I wanted to help be the best man he could be doesn’t CARE enoguht about this nation to join me in FIGHTING EVIL MEN.
I keep on hoping that I wake up from this nightmare and the Mr. Bsoton proves he was worthy of my LOVE, FAITH, AND HELP.
Here is a song to start our day, as I get ready to tak e Benji for his walk.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=koJlIGDImiU
Enrique Iglesias- Hero
Mr. Boston, I know you could be such a wonderful addition to the FIGHT. yOU WILL ALWAYS BE MY HERO, INSPITE OF EVERYTHING.
Love and Blessings
Christine.
