Another night of battle in my sleep. It is just something that I am working out in my sleep. I feel that this weekend, I have come torealize it is time to cut another chain attached to me, that keeps me from moving forward. Cut, cut, cut.
I can’t continue to let the past continue to control me to the point that I binge eat to try and numb the pain I feel. Maybe like the old house that my dad and I used to visit and hope that someone buy and fix it up, maybe it is beyond the point of return and it is best to just tear it down and build something new. Maybe we all serve our purpose and at some point, we must accept that it will never be the shelter from the storm, that we had hoped. It is time for me to let go of J and the love and the hope of us helping each other to be the best we can be and fulfill our destiny that we were born for. Though he is so cute. Why did God make him such a handsome Celtic warrior. I love my Celtic warrior men and he is so cute.
This is a Summer of healing for me. If I want a Fall of New Beginnings, then I must face the pain and let go. How can God bring me another Celtic Warrior who is worthy of my love and friendship, if I keep holding on to J and keep hoping that in the end, he proves himself to be honest, honorable, and a good Catholic who believes in the teachings of our church. Who believes in compassion, having the courage to face the truth and admit when you are wrong.
I will always be open as at one time I thought we were born for each other. That together we could have made a difference for good in the world. That is what friends do, is always love and want peace. It takes two to have real peace. Yet, I am not going to waste my time hoping and and dreaming for something that is not going to happen. It is time to let go and accept that he is not the man I thought he was. It is time to let go of him and the past and allow God to bring the man who I was really born to be his baby and he was born to be my man.
J this one is for you.
You don’t always get what you want, and I wanted J. Yet, if I let go then God might send me what I need. To get what you need is better then what youwant.
No more binge eating for you J. I cut the chain and let you go. Be happy and I hope someday you will realize the true woman I am and have always been. I would still throw you a lifeline if you ever need saving. I don’t turn love on or off like some people. Yet, you are not the right man for me.
It will be alright now. I cut the chains. I am FREE.