It is 4:45 am Sunday morning. Still can’t sleeip and still have the runs.
It is miserable, and I wouldn’t wish these withdrawals on my worst enemy.
Day 4. How much longer does the not being able to sleep and not being able to keep food down.
I know my body is getting out all the toxins.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/
This forum is saving my life, and I would hope that if someone is reading my personal journal and wants off the pain med merrgy go round to join and try to get some help.
There are people all over the world, so there so there is always someone on who has been through this.
I can see why some people aren’t strong enough to get off.
At some point as someone posted on the forum we have to go through them and it is the first step on getting clean and healthy again o\after many years of abusing our bodies.
I want to remember this hell, so I don’t allow the pain managment doctdor to talk me into taking anymore of these pills. If they won’t work with me, I will find a pain managment doctor who will work at non opiate narcotic drugs instead of dealing with the neck and shoulder problems.
American health care sucks. I say that as someone who worked in it, and from the standpoint of one of the biggest addictions problems right now in this nation is people getting hocked on the oxycoddone that doctors give them. Instead of dealing with the problem, they given them pain pills to make them comfortable, but leave the probelm untreated for years.
To say I had fibro and to find out 8 years I didn’t have fibro, but neck and shoulder issues, is mal practice. How many people have been told they have fibro and really had serious treatable issues and 10 uears later are drug addicts who haven’t had the problem treated, just given the oxycodone.
I want out of AZ so bad. This is the worst state i have been in. I have a good friend in MT, who decided a few years ago to get off this oxycodone. I have another good friend, who I fear is still on the merry go round. I hope she reads this and joins the forum, and together we can seek better ways for pain managment then these oxycodone that is sucking the life out of us. We have 3 choices life, death, or jail. I choose life and going to Scotland, England, Ireland, and Wales. That is what I focus on when I feel like hell and being hit by a train. I have the Union Jack hanging in my room. I will never get to go to Scotland if I don’t get healthy and off these drugs.
I love you my friend, I am always here if you want to get off the oxycodone. We have made so many steps together. We both left the lies of WN behind, and are fighting their lies with the truth. You are still my best frind in and out of WN. I love you. I hope you will join me on this journey we must face next. We have come so far from where we were when we were dooped to think we were White Nationalist women, whose duty it was to bring White babies into the world. Now let us start this journey and become healthy in body and soul, so we can overcome this struggle we must overcome. I love you and always will.
For me Jeff was abusive and instead of saying my neck and shoulder were injured, told I had fibro and suffer pain for all these years is wrong. Maybe that is how I endured the life in CI/White Nationalism and didn’t see the truth for so long as I was on pain pills and covering up the pain with drugs and food. We all have addictions. We sometimes go from one addiction to another. At 11 I started using food to numb the pain.
Lost a few more lbs so I think it is 12 lbs in 3 dys, but I have a lot oflbs I can loose. I have diabetics and fatty liver, so I have a lot more I need to loose. I would want anyone else to go on the drug withdrawals diet.
Jesus and Mother Mary are my higher power. I have made the first step and admit I am powerless over drugs. I am enslaved to them. They are helpming me through all this. I know that for so many years I have not been liveing as I should. I was away from the church for many years. I allowed anger to drive me away from the church I loved so much. I found it again, and that is why I was able to see the truth of where I was at, and that White Nationalism and CI that Jeff belives in is not of God, but the devil. I think that is why I could never let Jeff baptize me, I was baptized and confirmed as a Catholic and had a good foundation. Teach a child when he is young and even though he may stray from the faith, he will come back.
I love the Rosary and pray it everyday, and even though I have been going through withdrawals, am still praying it. I think it is what willkeep me from going back to the pain pills just to stop the wiethdrawlas that we all must go through in order to get clean and start healing our modies and minds.
I want to be human again. I want to be someone God can use. I want to be free from having to have oxycodone are I feel sick, I don’t get high, it just kept me from feeling sick.
My friend, I love you, and hope we will take this journey together. Check out the forum. I post there alot there, under Chrisy. Everyone is really friendly and been through it, so they can offer support, and they have links for help in all the states. we will make it through this. We made it through White nationalism and had the courage to walk away and start fighting them. If wew can risk our lives fighting White Nationalists then we can overcome the oxycodone addition that is killing us inside.
Love you.
chrisy
Thinking of friends who have died, and my father who died. Kitty Olive told me after my dad died that he didn’t believe me about being sexually raped the gardener when living in Shadow Oaks in Saratoga. I think that is terrible to tell a child that her father didn’t believe her. It made me think he didn’t love me as much as I thought he did or he valued my strong and deep love for him. No matter where he was in the world or where I was in the world, everyday and every chance I told him I loved him. I obeyd him in things, that I should have fought harder on. Yet, I loved him so much I wanted to please him.
Maybe someday I will sort out the lies Kitty and Arthur Olive told about me and to me, when living in Massachusetts. I hope so, as it haunts me to think I was telling the truth, and no one believed me about being sexually raped as a child. I used food to numb the pain. As a child I could buy sugar and candy and eat it in my room. I wasn’t even hungry but would fill myself with food to numb the pain.
if you have a child that tells you someone has had sex with them, please believe them. Don’t just deny it. I always wanted to save my self for the man God chose for me. As a Roman Catholic marrige was taught to me as a sacrament. That choice was taking away by some man who worked for my parents. I know it doesn’t count, and it is not my fault, but I had to figure that out for myself many years later.
This song played alot on the radio, just before I left SC and left White Nationalism. I hope it is true.
I love New England, and I would love to be able to go home and vist the graves in Lynn, MA. I need some things to settle, which will be part of my recovery. I hope someday, I will feel safe to fly back into Boston. I used to love Boston, it used to be the best city to me. Red Sox, fan still. I bought my nephew a Red Sox Jacket when he visited one Christmas, as he was into baseball cards, and send him cards. Had my horse Tia, who was so beautiful.
Someday, the man chosen by God, to love me, protect me and cherish me, will come into my life, but first I need to get well. Someday, I hope to work all the emotional crap, that has happen to me for the last 54 years. Maybe someday, I will see Massachusetts again, but never Marshffeld. I want to go to Lynn and put flowers on the family graves and work out some unfinished stuff, so that there can finally be peace and closeure and the truth be told without judgment by both sides. I will always be willing and open to peace as two Catholics who need to be able to reach the place of giving each other the sign of peace if we ever are in mass together. I can’t do that right now. I don’t ever quit or give up, so as far as I am concern, Christ knows my heart.
one of the best nights I had while living in MA was seeing bon jovi live. This song brings back good memories. Still love bon jovi. this was a great cd. Hopefully someday I will remember the good things about Boston and the place I loved so much. I hope so, as New England is the climate I like best. Boston is such a great city.
checking in. Think I am starting to feel human again, will see if I can sleep tonight and stop the runs. In a more hard rock mood today. Must be the mind geting clearer. yes, I have some feelings to work out about America, as I think there isn’t a place for me politically in this country. I am a Conservative based more on the UK, who like David Cameron. So what am I to do, when because of what happen to my dad in the early 70′s and me in the 80′s I don’t trust the American Government do do what is right for this country and think they lie. I was stupid and believed in loyality in politics but in America there is no loyality in politics or government. I think the sooner I can get to the UK and be active there politically I will be able to find my destiny.
A little pink floyd. I wish the sound was better on this one. I feel so frustrated with American politics as what party do I support as a Conservative based on UK Conservatives who like and support David Cameron? The Dems are more like Labor. The Republicans used to be like the UK Conservatives, but those days are long gone.
More Pink floyd, this is to the American school system who failed me allowed me to rape at school and when I went for help, said it was my fault and did nothing. That was the last day I ever went to school, and played hocky everyday. I am self taught. maybe someday people will have the courage to face the truth about what is going on in this country and be willing to work together to save this once great nation from continuing down the path to self destruction.
Moving on to the Rollling Stones. Good band. I love this song. It remainds of when I was living in Massachusetts. I always wanted to see them in concert. I wonder if there will be another tour?
I love this song too. Reminds me of St. Francis in Maine. Met some great friends and had some great times. I love Maine. The first Stones song I heard was when we were living in Playa Del Ray, and my sister and her friends were listeining to Rock. I grew up on Rock and Roll.
Last Stones song. You know how I always say there is life after White Nationalism so that women and girls will find the courage within to leave the maddness. There is also life after drug addiction. The important thing is face our demons and move forward one step at a time, one struggle at a time and one day at a time. My frist goal is to make 30 days.
My dear friend, I haven’t been on facebook very much as I am posting my diary of going through drug withdrawals, with the hope that others who find themselves addicted to drugs find the courgage to face it and choose life. there is life out there. We left White Nationalism together and are willing to risk our lives to fight them and expose them. I am so proud of you and your wonderful man. Once I feel human I will post to you and hopefully we can chat. I pray that you will choose to get off the oxycodone too and we can travel this hard journey together, as sisters as we always have. I know we both have real medical issues and because of our crappy American health care system can’t get real treatment but made drug addicts because it is cheaper to not fix the problem but to numb the pain.
I love you, and am always here for you. I believe that there are better ways for us to deal with our medical issues then pain pills. I love you and will always be here for you, and hope you will decide to join the forum I posted about sober recovery. It is a great forum with a lot of good info and links to help and support. I am choosing na for myself.
I had one friend who thinks I am crazy for getting off the pain pills. funny we met on the forum for sober recovery and we are both Roman Catholics so he pm’ed me. As soon as I chose to get clean, he stopped pm’ing me. I wrote him back that when he chose to get clean I would be there on the forum to support him. But he has to make the choice. Now, he doesn’t want to, because of the American health system his knee problem isn’t going to be approved for the surgery, so it is pain or pain pills. I believed that for many years, but I don’t believe it anymore. It is sucking the life out of us, and if we don’t find the strengh to get off the drug merry go round now, we will live wasted lives and not have accomplished what God sent us here to do. Some people choose to not accept the help. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make someone drink. They have to want to get clean and start the process to heal and get healthy in body, mind, and soul. I made that choice.
I hope my dear friend, that you will join me on this new journey and we work together to overcome this terrible crisis that is happening in our country. Oxycodone addiction is growing because our medical system refuses to fix the problems and just give pain pills. It is a disgrace. You know I am honest, passionate, and a fighter for what I think is right.
I want to go to the UK and check their health care system out and see if it is any better. What works there and what might work here to improve things. I will fight for all of us who need treatment to get real treatment and off the oxycodone candy store root that America has turned its health care into.
love you. Will try and talk to you soon, my friend. Hope you come to Phoenix soon, as I would love to talk to you and if you are interested go to an na meeting with you.
Chrisy
This one is for you my good and dear friend, who you know I will support you always in what you decide to do. I am always here for you. I don’t end friends even if we don’t speak for years. So if you ever need me, remember to call me and where ever I am, I will be here for you.
Final song, as I need to think about taking Benji out for his walk. I am going to try and eat 1/2 of sweet potato tonight. I wouldn’t wish this withdrawal diet on my worst enemy, but in my case it is weight I needed to take off anyway.
after 10 pm and still am not tired, so I think it will be another long night. I have a lot of drugs to get out of my system. At least I think I can say, I am starting to feel human. someday I will go home to Scotland. That dream is going to keep me clean and overcome my demons and get healthy in my body, soul, and mind. It is hard to get totally off as you think you can’t make it through withdrawals, but we all must at some point. I so hope my dear friend, will continue on the journey we started back in White Nationalism and getting out and fighting them. I am so proud of her and her wonderful husband. There have got to be better ways of treating people then not doing their surgeries and making them drug addicts? Since I have been going through withdrawals, I am not listening to Glenn Beck as much. I haven’t really been keeping up with the the news on the blaze. I am number one seeking to get clean. I understand Glenn Beck would understand my focus on my getting well and not on news or politics. Politics is in my blood and always has been, since I was a very little girl. I am like good hard steel, I only get stronger with each demon and challage placed in front of me. That is what is going to save this country and not people afraid to tell the truth.
An oldie but goodie. This reminds me of Soutern Vermont and living in Bennington.
More Rod Stewart. Guess, I am in the mood to hear a fellow Scot. I am clan MacDonald from Skye. Someday I will sailing that ocean to Skye and find peace and healing. I need to spend time with normal people who share my heritige and culture. I need to get out of the states for awhile to heal.
I really like this song, and I would rather be honest with people, then to play the games people tend to play. I don’t understand, why people can’t be honest, loyal, and honorable. Why do they always judge and condemn me. Why can’t they see my true heart and soul. Why do I get lost in the translation and am better understood by Brits, when Americans just judge and refuse to help just trying to get the help I need to get well. I want to be able to do
the destiny that God has chosen me. I was lucky, I had two countries to love and honor and be loyal to. My dad, I got the British side and my mom the Mayflower and English all the way back to when they came. It just seems I get along better with Brits. I remember taking a cruse to South America by myself and there was a British crew, and the few Americans just condemned the Brits, and I stood up for my fellow Brits, so the Americans refused to talk to me, but that was ok, because unknown to me, some girls were from Manchester, where my grandmum was from and I became part of the crew. I had a better time then I would have had with the Americans who were anti British. it was during the falkin war and the Brits couldn’t get off at Argentina, and for fun hung a British flag on the back of the ship, and we took it down, but we let it be known where our love of nation is strong.
Americans need to remember the United Kingdom may be a small nation but we are a proud nation. We have given so much to the world. I love the scene in Love Actually where Hugh Grant tells the American President off. I have felt like doing that a few times, and telling him the truth about his lies and dishonor that he has brought to the office and to this nation. He thinks he can insult our queen and stand and give a toast during the British Anthem. That he can send a bust that was given to the American people and not Obama after 9/11. It was not his to give back, and I will never forgive him. He insults the British people and thinks that his Daughter of the British Empire is ever going to shake his hand, be in the same room as him, or ever vote for him, then he is a bigger idiot then I think he is. I wanted him to succeed as he is from Hawaii and a graduate of punahou where my nephew went and his wife and hopefully their children will go, but Obama will never be the leader Winston Churchill ever was. Winston Churchill is one of my heroes. He kept the British people strong with his strong British bull dog spirit that I have inside my blood. he too was half American. No Obama by sending back that bust of Winston Churchill, forever lost my trust, respect, or loyality. My trust, respect and loyality is to PM David Cameron who I believe to be honest, honorable, and a true leader.
Another oldie but goodie. Now, I will have to watch love actually tonight as I know it will be another sleepless night. night 4. people say it can take 4 to 6 days to detox, depending on how many drugs are in your system. Let’s see it is 2012 and they started in 2000. so that is a long time to build me up to oxycodone
another old video. Yes, I think it will be a Hugh Grant as Prime Minster for my movie viewing. I love it when he stands up to the American President who is a jerk, which is a nice way of saying how he acted. I like in the end how he is brave enough to admit he was wrong when he realized he was.
last one as it is midnight, and I am going to watch hugh grant and then try and sleep for a few hours.
At least I am honest, and not afraid to stand up for what I think is right. It is easy to respect someone of a different view if they are honest. if they lie to you you can’t respect or ever trust them. That is going to hurt Obama is his many lies. People can’t follow a leader who has lied to them. I keep hoping you Dems will challenge him with an honest and real candidate. That is your choice. I can’t support Obama.
I also don’t like Mitt Romney, as he just seems like another slick American politican. We have had to many liars. I liked Brownback as he seemed honest to me. I don’t know if I can vote for Mitt, he will have to prove he has what it takes to lead this nation with honesty, honor, and true leadership more in the style of David Cameron, then George W Bush. I once wrote him an accused him of being a tattle tale, when the NSDAR wrote my mother about a letter I wrote that disagreed with one of his policies. I wrote him, and said I was not going to say I am sorry, and it is still a free country. That what was next get the Mayflower mad at me? I have no respect for NSDAR as they should have contacted me and not my mother if they had a problem with my political views. As I said I am honest, and open with my feelings. At least one know what I am thinking and why. We can talk honestly and hopefully can find solutions as two people who want to save this sinking ship of a country.
We haven’t had real leadership in years. I don’t think the President, even cares about the American people and what he is doing by his actions. Irag, and all the wars we have been into. All that body wasted when we have suffering people here in this own country who can’t get medical attention and surgeries they need, because it is cheaper to make them drug addicts to oxycodone. Yes, I am angry, passionate, and in some ways like Jane Bennett, my fav. character in my fav. Jane Austin book. Some day my Mr. Dercy will see my better qualities and forgive me my faults as I will forgive him.