As people know I haven’t been posting a lot as I have been going through a big struggle right now and getting off the pain pills prescribed to me by pain managment. I have been on them for ten years. First they tell me I have fibrol and then 8 years ago, Dr Wright finally orders and mri and finds out I don’t have fibro, but neck and shoulder issues. It has been three years and still waiting for them to do the surgery to fix the probelem. I don’t’ think much of America’s health system. I have found out that it is the big addiction now, people who have become addicted to oxycodone and were not misusing the drugs given by doctors.
I am the one that made the decision to get off the drugs after finding a sober forum and realizing that I was allowing my oxycodone addiction to suck the life out of me. I was dying inside. If I ever want to overcome my past and the struggles I face, I must get clean. It is hell to go through withdrawals. I am not lying. But I have the choice of life or death. That is the truth about drug addiction, you end up dead, clean or in jail. I choose getting clean and going to the UK.
I dream and going to my homeland and seeing England and Scotland. I want to trace my grandmum and grandpa roots. I have manged from her to trace more on the Scottish side then the English side. I dream of livng there part of the year. Skye is so beautiful. Scotland is calling me home. That is what is going to be my focus, getting well and take a trip home to the UK and getting out the the States for awhile and work out my angry fellings of how my father and I were treated by the government when we found the courage to ask for help, only to be told it wasn’t their problem. I need a break from this country and go home to the UK, where I have known since I was 14 it was better to be British then American, when under Nixon, The American government told my dad, it wasn’t their problem. it was the british embassy that helped him as he was considered a British subject because of his parents. I want to rejoin the Daughters of the British Empire. I got sick and couldn’t be active as I should have been. Also I was Mayflower and Daughter of the Amerifan revolution, but one step at a time, and my heart is more with the DBE then the NSDAR.
I need to work out some feelings of anger to because of their misunderstanding and misjudging me and my heart. I was trying to do the right thing. That has always been my goal as a devoute Roman Catholic. I have made many mistakes and am ashamed of many things. Yet, everything I have gone through, the abuse, the struggles has made me stronger. Some of us have to learn through the school of hard knocks.
I am a fighter and a survivor, and I will get well and make it to the UK and start a new life and find peace and happiness after 54 years. I have something to work for now. Taking a long trip home to the UK.
Watched one of my fav. movies today to take my mind off how I am feeling. Love actually with Colin Firth, Hugh Grant, and many other fav.; actors and actresses of mine. It gave me hope that good things will someday find me. I am a good person and I have a heart of gold and a loyal friend. I never stirve to hurt anyone and always try to tell the truth. I just haven’t been treated nice and have trusted the wrong people. I would rather be me then them.
God is really helping me out, and the readings and praying my rosary is giving me strenght and a good clear mind.
Day 3 and have lost 10lbs in two days. It is ok, as I have to loose weight because of the diabetis and the fatty liver. Keeping the water and other healthy foods in, so I dont’ think I need to go to urgent care, just need to get all the drugs out of my system.
Found an na meeting in the next town over and will go Tuesday night. I am shy until I become friends, so for me to go alone is a big step. I hope to make some friends who understand and we can encourage each other to stay clean.
I found a wonderful forum that I posted here before that has been a big help.
I choose life and getting well. I will never see the UK if I donn’t and that is and always been my biggest dream in life.
I will check in and hopefully others who have a drug problem will choose life and getting clean.
We can make it. We must make it. We must never give up living and working toward making our dreams a reailty.
This is my personal journal to help others who have made mistakes like I have. White Nationalism, drug addiction, and PTSD and abuse.
There is life. I don’t even go to stormfront anymore. I work on myslef and getting off the prescription pain pills oxycodone. I have finally let go of that past, and will never forget the good friends I loved, but we must make a choice and what you believe is wrong. I know you don’t understand it and can’t understand why I would choose my Roman Cathollic faith. I am ashamed that I encouraged women to join and be active. I do know that I have helped women see the truth and they have left White Nationalism so I am happy for that.
Now, I am conquering the next struggle and I will fight my addiction with the same fight I put into fighting David Duke. I still don’t trust him.
That is all for tonight.
Love and blessings to all.