As people know I haven’t been posting a lot as I have been going through a big struggle right now and getting off the pain pills prescribed to me by pain managment. I have been on them for ten years. First they tell me I have fibrol and then 8 years ago, Dr Wright finally orders and mri and finds out I don’t have fibro, but neck and shoulder issues. It has been three years and still waiting for them to do the surgery to fix the probelem. I don’t’ think much of America’s health system. I have found out that it is the big addiction now, people who have become addicted to oxycodone and were not misusing the drugs given by doctors.
I am the one that made the decision to get off the drugs after finding a sober forum and realizing that I was allowing my oxycodone addiction to suck the life out of me. I was dying inside. If I ever want to overcome my past and the struggles I face, I must get clean. It is hell to go through withdrawals. I am not lying. But I have the choice of life or death. That is the truth about drug addiction, you end up dead, clean or in jail. I choose getting clean and going to the UK.
I dream and going to my homeland and seeing England and Scotland. I want to trace my grandmum and grandpa roots. I have manged from her to trace more on the Scottish side then the English side. I dream of livng there part of the year. Skye is so beautiful. Scotland is calling me home. That is what is going to be my focus, getting well and take a trip home to the UK and getting out the the States for awhile and work out my angry fellings of how my father and I were treated by the government when we found the courage to ask for help, only to be told it wasn’t their problem. I need a break from this country and go home to the UK, where I have known since I was 14 it was better to be British then American, when under Nixon, The American government told my dad, it wasn’t their problem. it was the british embassy that helped him as he was considered a British subject because of his parents. I want to rejoin the Daughters of the British Empire. I got sick and couldn’t be active as I should have been. Also I was Mayflower and Daughter of the Amerifan revolution, but one step at a time, and my heart is more with the DBE then the NSDAR.
I need to work out some feelings of anger to because of their misunderstanding and misjudging me and my heart. I was trying to do the right thing. That has always been my goal as a devoute Roman Catholic. I have made many mistakes and am ashamed of many things. Yet, everything I have gone through, the abuse, the struggles has made me stronger. Some of us have to learn through the school of hard knocks.
I am a fighter and a survivor, and I will get well and make it to the UK and start a new life and find peace and happiness after 54 years. I have something to work for now. Taking a long trip home to the UK.
Watched one of my fav. movies today to take my mind off how I am feeling. Love actually with Colin Firth, Hugh Grant, and many other fav.; actors and actresses of mine. It gave me hope that good things will someday find me. I am a good person and I have a heart of gold and a loyal friend. I never stirve to hurt anyone and always try to tell the truth. I just haven’t been treated nice and have trusted the wrong people. I would rather be me then them.
God is really helping me out, and the readings and praying my rosary is giving me strenght and a good clear mind.
Day 3 and have lost 10lbs in two days. It is ok, as I have to loose weight because of the diabetis and the fatty liver. Keeping the water and other healthy foods in, so I dont’ think I need to go to urgent care, just need to get all the drugs out of my system.
Found an na meeting in the next town over and will go Tuesday night. I am shy until I become friends, so for me to go alone is a big step. I hope to make some friends who understand and we can encourage each other to stay clean.
I found a wonderful forum that I posted here before that has been a big help.
I choose life and getting well. I will never see the UK if I donn’t and that is and always been my biggest dream in life.
I will check in and hopefully others who have a drug problem will choose life and getting clean.
We can make it. We must make it. We must never give up living and working toward making our dreams a reailty.
This is my personal journal to help others who have made mistakes like I have. White Nationalism, drug addiction, and PTSD and abuse.
There is life. I don’t even go to stormfront anymore. I work on myslef and getting off the prescription pain pills oxycodone. I have finally let go of that past, and will never forget the good friends I loved, but we must make a choice and what you believe is wrong. I know you don’t understand it and can’t understand why I would choose my Roman Cathollic faith. I am ashamed that I encouraged women to join and be active. I do know that I have helped women see the truth and they have left White Nationalism so I am happy for that.
Now, I am conquering the next struggle and I will fight my addiction with the same fight I put into fighting David Duke. I still don’t trust him.
That is all for tonight.
Love and blessings to all.
God Bless
Chrisy
Love this song. Always will love the South!!! Loved Savanna and Tybee Island and South Carolina. New Orleans and the fun times. To bad that we had to choose a different path. I hope someday, you will realize the truth and choose the right path. Thanks for the good memories and times.
I needed to hear this song, right now. The hero is within ourselves. I am afraid that the heroes I had has a kid disappointed me, not by their actions, but by those of their sons. The hero is within me. I depended on men to save me and carry this Cinderella off and save her from the evil ones. Yet, that was wrong, I should have trusted in God and myself more.
Someday, I hope we can talk Catholic to Catholic and tell each other the truth and not be judged by either one of us. That J will realize I was a true and loyal friend, and he should have done his own reserach and talk to me and let me prove that I was and am telling the truth. I am not one of the liars like the Olives were. And the others who gossiped and judged based on hear say and rumor without giving me a chance to prove I was telling the truth. I will always be open to do what is right as Catholics and talk things out so if we ever meet in mass, I can shake your hand when we give each other the sign of peace. I don’t trust or respect you anymore, but I still love you, Sheila and the boys and always well. I don’t turn off love, like people turn on and off a light switch. You both seem happy and that is the most important thing. I was always a true friend to both of you. Maybe someday you will both realize it. And we can not be afraid to face the truth and talk things out Catholic to Catholic and do right. God tells us to forgive each other our faults. I made mistakes, and so did you. I forgive you and still hold the hand of friendship, why can’t you forgive me?
Scotland, someday I will come home and spend time in Sky and find peace and happiness, that somehow, I have not found in the States. I hear your call of the bagpipes. Every Scot, loves the sound of the pipes and our tartan we were proud. Even when it was against the Law to to play the pipes and wear our tartan, we stood strong and true.
last song, as I need to find the strength to take Benji out for his walk. I pray that those I have hurt will someday forgive me and we can forgive each other for the hurt and pain, for the misunderstandings, and the anger we both felt.
maybe someday, we will put our Catholic faith into practice and talk things out so we can give each other the sign of peace. Our faith commands, and I will always be open to talk things out, forgive, and move forward as both better Catholics and people, hopefully we can regain some kind of trust and respect we lost. That is my prayer. I see so much good in you, and I just wish you believed in yourself the way I believed in you. God Bless, and hopefully someday, we both will be able to do the right thing.
Had to play this one. I still dream of my hero to come into my life who will love me and know me as I am, faults, sins, and the heart of gold and my true nature. He will love me as I am and I will love him as he is, inspite of his faults, sins, and mistakes. That is what love is all about, forgivining the mistakes we all make in life, and still loving and seeing the best in them, and know that they are trying their best to do the right thing.
I like Celtic men, so maybe my prince chamring will be in Scotland. Maybe I had to kiss several frogs before meeting the Prince, lol. Somewhere out there in this world is the mate God made for me. I believe as a Roman Catholic marriage is a sacrament. I know he called me to be a wife and mother, but somehow, things got all messed up. Maybe now as I find the strength to overcome all the struggles, do the right thing, God will bring the right man he made me for. To be his helpmate, in good times and bad. To love, honor and obey without question as their are times when your man needs to give an order for the good of the family and needs you to act quickly, and will explain everything later. I am old fashion. Somewhere out there is a man who is a baby boomer who wants and good woman to be his helpmate, best friend, and who will love, honor and protect me. I have always needed a protector since I was a kid.
God doesn’t make mistakes. I believe that when the time is right the right man who loves me will enter my life. I have to still work on me. Maybe he has to work on him. It is all in God’s hands.
Trust in God and know his timing is always perfect.
Same day my hero will come into my life, and I am waiting and saving myself for him. That is my gift to him. Keeping my faith that someday the man God chose for me will enter my life, keeps me going through all the dark days of pain, and confusion. Confused on who to trust, as I am to trusting for myown good and am easily deceived. Someday my protector will come and together we will live out our destiny that God has planned for us.
Just wanted to let you know that the runs seem to have stopped at least for now. I was able to eat a banana and some apple sauce today and keep it down so far, plus plenty of water. I hope that tomorrow will be better as it will be day four. tapering off didn’t work for me, and I had to do it cold turkey, which is hell
for four to 6 days I hear.
finished watching Pride and Prejudice one of my fav. books and movies. I love Jane Austin, and try to read the book once a year.
Can’t sleep one of the problems with oxycodone withdrawals is you can’t sleep for a few days, I understand. so up listening to you tube.
Just thinking of that special someone who will someday enter my life and see and love me as I am as I will love him as he is. Who will be my best friend, protector, and value me for the person I am and see the real me and not just listen to lies about me, but take the time to talk to me. I can prove what I say. My heart has always been in the right place. Maybe my prince is in Scotland. That is what I am focusing on as I go through the hell of withdrawals, of taking a long trip to Scotland and get out of the states for awhile and hopefully after time,
I can heal from the anger I feel toward the government and how they treated my father and I when we both needed help and both found the courage and a way to ask for it, only to be told it isn’t my problem. If it hadn’t been for the British government my dad would have rotten in Asia and not be brought home to me. I used to tell him, after he came home and told me what happen that it was better to be British then American. He never corrected me. I need to go back to Skye, Scotland for a while and find some peace and happiness that I have never been able to find in the states. I guess I am to much like my British Grandmum, who after coming to Boston, went back to Manchester, England. My grandpa who met her on the ship coming over, went back to the UK and brought her back to Boston, where my father was born. Why when the American government refuse to help someone who was born in Boston, MA. Why is it the British government who considered my dad a British subject because of his parents, the one who save his life? I have some feelings that I need to work through. I have some healing and getting off the drugs will be a big step. I fought White Nationalists and am still fighting them, but right now, just taking a break and getting myself healthy so that I can fight smarter and stronger. Someday my hero will see me a the rare jewel I am and want an old fashion Catholic girl.
Be prepared for a lot of songs tonight, as one can’t sleep with the withdrawals. Tuesday I am planing to go to my first NA meeting. It is sad that the American health system is so terrible. That they just push oxycodone like candy.
Scotland here I come. I will get there someday. Plus I want to see a Manchester United game, as I am a big fan of that team. Someday, I will make it there.
I will make it, I am a fighter and a survivor. My struggles have only make me stronger. One is either beaten or one overcomes. I choose to overcome and do the right thing, that is why I tried to talk to someone about White Nationalism and their growing power. Yet, I don’t feel that battle was in vain, as I helped other women to see the truth and leave the lies behind and hopefully find healing and the truth. I no longer post on SF but post on a forum of addicts seeking to be clean and sober and encourage each other. The strange thing is it reminds me of the early stormfront as it is the same format.
I remember when this movie first came out. My friend Lori and I went to see it, and everyone thought John Travota was so cute. It seems so long ago when we were young in the 70′d. Still like the music.
Remember this one. The dancing was so great in that movie. Who will forget how John Travolta danced? Urban cowboy was great too, along with Grease. He made some great movies. Who will forget Welcome Back Kotter where he got his start. I even had his record
Remember this movie. I had the VHS. Good song. I liked the ending, where the truth came out, and Swan and his girl walk along the beach. After midnight and still can’t sleep, so will find old songs on you tube.
A little Michael Jackson, hopefully I will get some sleep tonight. So far not tired. He was very talented. I still remember when I had the Jackson Five Alam. They were real records then.
I had posted man in the mirror, by Michael Jacson, but deleted it, as it had a scene in it, that I remember happening in real life on tv and will never look at that scene again. Once was enough, watching my hero on tv being killed. Screaming. I was active in trying to get adults to vote for him and so I stayed up watching the tv in my room, and was very happy California voted for him. Only to see the horror. That is part of the ptsd watching your childhood hero shot down in cold blood. I can’t bear to look at pictures of movies of that event again in my life time, so I deleted the song.
the change starts with each of us. We all have that choice. We can be indifferent to the pain and suffering of others, or we can be compassionate and love others. Hate and indifference are not the answer. Racism exists in all races, and their is healty love and pride that all races should be allowed to express and honor. One race is not better then another or worst then another. We need to stop putting labels on peaople and believing lies about the other side, but try and take time to know each other as human beings who good or bad, are just trying to do the best they can
Try this one. After 12:30. The people on the clean and sober forum were telling the truth, about not being able to sleep for days. At least I have the computer and you tube and head phones.
Moving into the 80′s. Some good music then too. I like Michael Bolton. one of my fav. love songs. I am a romantic. Hope someday I meet the man God chose for me. I know I would make someone very happy.
I will make it the distance. I will make it through hell and find my way to a much better place. Someday people will see the real me, and hopefully admire my good qualities and forgive my sins, as we all have sins and mistakes in our lives. The important thing is we embrace our fate, and do the right thing.. I will see it through it and won’t look back. I will go the distance and stay on track. No defeat.