My Thoughts for Sunday
Just got back from Sunday Lunch of turkey, dressing, and bread pudding. Went to 11 am mass this morning at St. Stevens. Now I am back home and spending time on the internet. The sermon was ok, but my question is what do you do when you are the one who tries and be the good Catholic and talk things out with a Catholic brother and that person can’t be bothered to try and reconcile our differences? It was never a question Father of me not trying or wanting to talk things out, it was always a question of the other person refusing to do the right thing as a fellow Catholic and face me, look me in the eye, and tell me the truth.
For years I have felt like I was the terrible Catholic because even though I was willing to forgive, the other person has no desire or will to do the right thing toward his Catholic sister. The thing that really made me angry was Catholic Religious making excuses on why he was the good Catholic and could do what he wanted even if what he did hurt his fellow Catholics and the one he hurt, was made out to be this evil person because I wouldn’t just let it go and pretend that this person was a good Catholic. If we do not follow the teachings of the church or allow our church to be attacked then how can one be a good Catholic? Why is there one standard for rich Catholics and another one for us? Father, last time I got very angry because I felt there was a double standard and I did loose my faith which opened me up believe lies as truth.
After 20 years, I have found my way back home again. I still need closure and peace. I want to move forward pass the PTSD and this person is part of the PTSD. Sorry but that is the way the cookie crumbles. This time I will not allow myself to loose my faith, even if this double standard continues and this person is held out to be such a good Catholic when the fruit is very clear that he has no real heart for Christ. If he had a true love and heart for Christ and the church he would have the courage to face me. Since God doesn’t go against free will, it is this person who is to blame for us not doing what you Father tell us that we must do as Catholics and reconcile our differences. It is him who is standing in the way of us doing the right thing here, and not me. I will always be willing to do what is right. It is on him and not me, that we have not acted like Catholics who love and accept each other as members of the same church.
I am started to realize that God knows my heart and that because I am willing to do the right thing and talk things out with my Catholic brother, and he is the one who refuses, that it is on him and not me. I must accept that this person has free will and it is on him.
I am working to overcome and work through all the emotional pain that I suffer. God is working in my life, and I continue to pray that whatever God allows to happen to me, that I will meet it with a sweet, loving, submissive spirit, and a smile on my face. That I will be a good soldier in Christ.
How can I be judged and blamed for not reconciling to a Catholic brother when he refuses to talk to me? Shouldn’t it be on him, as he refuses to do what is right? If I am willing, and he is not, then isn’t it on him and not me that we are still at this place of being in sin with each other? I don’t want to be in sin, but I can’t force this Catholic brother to do the right thing, can I?
I will continue to pray and be open to what God wants. At the same time, I will not allow anyone to make me feel guilty because this person refuses to do the right thing as my Catholic brother and talk to me.
At the same time, I am not going to proclaim that this person is a good Catholic, as the fruit I see him bear is the fruit of someone who doesn’t really give a damm about doing what Jesus would have us do as two Catholics who are angry at each other. We both have good reason to be angry at each other. It is not all him, as I have a hand in it too. Yet, I have for the last 20 years been trying to make it right between us. That is the difference between us, while he doesn’t give a damm about others, I do.
Hope everyone is having a nice Sunday.
Chrisy
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For those of you who do not know one of the problems with PTSD is that we can’t move forward and we relive the past over and over again. I can go for a long period of time and not be all emotional, but something triggers it which bring the feelings and memories back.
Sometimes I think I must be a terrible person because this person who I thought was a friend didn’t think I was worthy of even giving me a safe place to stay for a night so I wouldn’t be abused anymore. Usually even people who hated me at least would give me a place to stay away from my mom to give me a break when I had reached the end of my rope. Not this friend. So I must be the most evil person on the face of the earth because I just can’t believe that he would be so cold that he would treat a Catholic sister like the way he treated me.
Yes, I am a mixed up kid. Because of the PTSD even though I am 52 emotionally I am still a little girl who is just looking for someone to help her. I have a good heart and I would still help this person if he needed help and was drowning and throw him a life line, but this friend won’t do the same thing for me. Why is that? Why is someone who is supposed to be my friend have so little feeling for someone who is suffering from abuse?
I just don’t see how I can ever reconcile with someone who refuses to look me in the eyes and tell me the truth. How does one get someone else to follow what our faith would have us do as two Catholics? I can’t make him do the right thing. No matter how much I want us to both do the right thing, I can’t hit him over the head with a baseball bat and say you are going to do right. I was angry and I said things I should have said in anger. I have a Celtic temper, but this person does too so you would think that we would understand each others faults and forgive the other, wouldn’t you? Yet, over the years I have learned that sometimes I must use my head and not allow my emotions to rule when in the end it only makes me look bad.
I just know that I have to work through the feelings and emotions I have regarding this person and his role in my PTSD, and at the same time not allow anyone or anything to make me so angry again that I do stupid things or say stupid things that I really don’t mean from the heart. I forgive him, because I do understand an Irish temper. I have never given up hope that someday he will realize the truth, and do the right thing. I believe in him more then he believes in himself. That is the way it has always been and I am afraid it is the way it will always be. I just wish he knew that deep down inside I know he has the right stuff to succeed. He might have to work harder then others, but some of us do. That having to work harder makes us stronger and builds character. Yet, at the same time, I see him taking the easy way out and not finding out what the right thing to do is for himself, but doing what he is told and believing what he is told by others when what he is being told is wrong. Does he even care about the truth, justice and honor? I would still like to think he does as like Miss Millie I don’t like to see the bad in people who I love and care about as friends. She never would admit Miss Scarlet’s faults, and I am afraid in someways I am like this with this person. He is my friend and will always be my friend even if he is a jerk.
Yep the message today was about reconcillation and once again, I am remained how I have failed to find a way to reconcile with a Catholic Brother. It must be my fault. I keep on thinking that there must be something I can do, only to have to face the reality that it is not me who is refusing to do the right thing as a Catholic, but him. So it always gets back to I have failed and I must live with that failure.
I must keep my eyes on Jesus and look to him. I must accept that this man has free will and that it is in his hands on rather we will ever meet or talk again with the hopes of finally talking things out as two Catholics.
I will always remember the wonderful smile this man had and the beautiful blue eyes. I know there is good in this person. I just don’t understand how he can’t see the truth about me and my heart. Why does he only believe the lies and see the worst in me?
I will always be open to work things out as two Catholics. I will always be open to talking to each other and telling each other the truth. I will listen to him with an open mind, but I don’t know if he can listen to me with an open mind and heart? Will he show me the love of neighbor that we read about in the readings today? I show him that love, but he doesn’t seem to have that love for me and I too am his neighbor.
Whatever has happen between us I do wish him the best. Maybe someday he will surprise me and will show me that he does have the moral character of a good Catholic man.
As I said with PTSD, something can trigger the emotional pain of the past. I want so hard to be a good Catholic, yet, how can you make another Catholic do the right thing in talk things out as two Catholics?
I am sitting here thinking why does this person hate me so much? I know I have faults and have done things, but does that justify allowing me to continue to be abused over him and his family? Even people who hated me would give me a safe place to stay for a while when I needed to get away from my mom for my own mental health. I just don’t understand how someone who acted like my friend, could just leave me there. I know he hates me but I don’t know why?
With the PTSD, emotionally I am still a little girl who is just looking for someone to care enough to help me move past all the abuse that I have known in my life. I thought we were friends, but most important I thought we were both fellow Catholics. I guess I am just so stupid that I believe someone who smiles at me is my friend and liked me as a person. I know very stupid to assume that he was my friend.
Somehow I have to work out my feelings and emotions that I have regarding this person and his lack of compassion for other human beings. Even if he hates me I am still a human being who should have been treated better then yelled at ” that it wasn’t his problem” that day I asked for help in the barn. He didn’t ask one question of what is wrong or what kind of help do you need. NO, he just said it wasn’t his problem. Oh how those words have haunted me for years.
It was hard for me to ask for help, but I found the courage to ask him. I was at the end of my rope and I needed help and a safe place to stay. I emotionally shut down and I don’t know what happen after that. I know Terry who was a social worker for the state of MA said I had PTSD(Stress) and that he would testify in a court of Law that I was not crazy but had PTSD.
I think the thing that made me so angry with the church is that we are told to reconcile our differences yet this man is given a free pass and excuses are made for him and his behavior because he is rich. While I am just supposed to pretend that this man and his family are good Catholics.
They aren’t good Catholics or they would have the courage to face me, look me in the eyes, talk to me and tell me the truth, and have the humility to say I am sorry I was wrong. It shouldn’t matter how much money or power one has in life, one should have the moral character to admit they were wrong. They don’t even have the moral character to listen with an open mind. I would never look someone in the eyes and lie to them.
Since they don’t seem to have the courage or will to do the right thing and talk things out as two Catholics and I am the one who is made to feel like I am in sin because we haven’t talked things out as Catholics, I continue on this merry go round that I can’t get off. I can’t do what the church tells me to do in reconcilling and I can’t just let things go. That is why I have PTSD because I am one of those people who can’t just move forward from tramatic events.
I got angry and felt the church had a double standard. One standard for rich Catholics and another standard for the rest of us. I will not allow my anger hijack my Catholic walk again.
So I get back to the question Father, how does one reconcile differences when the person who is part of the PTSD won’t talk to you? There is free will, and I can’t force him to do the right thing, can I?
So why is the Catholic who is willing to do the right thing and work things out as two Catholics should made out to be this evil person? Why is the Catholic who refuses to live by the teachings of the Catholic church given a free pass for his pride and arrogance of thinking that he has done nothing wrong and he can treat people like they are lower then human beings and are scum of the earth who deserve no helping hand? I would still throw this person a life line even though he has made it very clear that I am such an evil terrible scum bag that I should just be allowed to suffer abuse at the hands of others.
I forgive him and I wish him the best, but how do I move on when I don’t know why he treated me the way he did. Why does he hate me? Is what he is accused of true. I don’t judge people and I defended him because he was my friend and I wanted to hear his side of the story. I treated him more more humane then he treated and continues to treat me.
I keep on telling myself I am not a bad person but that evil things happen to me.
Maybe someday, God will work in this person’s heart and he will find the courage and will to talk to me. Not only do I want to talk to him about the past but about other concerns that have to do with the political realm. Who else can I turn to that has the connections to look into and maybe solve a riddle that I am working on that I feel is very important. Yet, he can’t even put aside his personal hate for me long enough to talk about issues that are important.
I just don’t understand.
Chrisy,
I am wondering why after speaking to someone who rejects you would even consider try to reconcile again?
I suggest you look up rather than at man and individuals who seek to put you in a box and restrict your own personal journey and progress in life, personally I would dump the idea of speaking to that person again and move on. You assume that bad things happen for a reason and that these trials are inherently evil. Well I suggest that trials that pass your way are a test of character and to succeed or fail is a measure of your resolve.
Don’t let the situation control you, you control and manipulate it to your gain irrespective of the cost, otherwise those feeling of no self worth become legitimate and cloud your judgement.
Press on girl, the prize is your if you endear.
I know Garfield it is hard to understand why I would be open to talk to a fellow Catholic with the hopes that we can clear the air and move forward and end things on a good note, instead of the way they did end.
It is called my Catholic faith that leads me to continue to love uncondtionally. I try to love as Jesus loved.
Saying that, there also comes a time when must must face that the answer is no, and move forward. I am very close to that stage now. I accept that it might not be God’s will for this person and I to act like good Catholics and reconcile our differences as the priest talked about in the sermon last Sunday. God has another plan than what I have, and I must accept and submit to God’s plan and let go of my plan.
The same unconditonal love I have for this person I also have for some of my White Nationalist friends I met and came to love too. They too have good hearts. You do have some truth on your side, but there is also a lot within White Nationalism that as a Catholic woman I can’t support.
So I have unconditonal love for a Progressive who I loved and cared about as a friend and Catholic brother. I also have uncontional love for my a few White Nationalist friends I also came to love and care about as friends. I tend to like to look at the good things and ignore the bad.
I am finding that both Progressives and White Nationalists have truth on their side mixed with misinformation and lies represented as truth. I am almost ready to reject both political views as extreme.
Hope you have a nice evening Garfield.
Chrisy