This came from one of my Catholic Email groups and I thought it was very good. So I am posting it here.
Thought you would appreciate this.
Please respect the copyright.
©2009 Roberta M. Meehan
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Welcome to Cafeteria Catholica! We have doctrines and dogmas to fit everyone’s every taste! By sampling our fare, you can truly make the church your own – and make it in exactly the way you believe it should be made.
Fill your tray with whatever dogmatic entrée Cafeteria Catholica has to offer! We have countless regulations and dictums and over 2400 canons for you to choose from! Feel free to take what you would like and to leave the rest. Nothing will go to waste. We have enough rules and beliefs to go around and someone else will choose the dogmas and regulations you may leave behind.
Notice the incoming lines. For liberal doctrines and dogmas, please join the queue on the left. For conservative doctrines and dogmas, please join the queue on the right. If you purport to be a middle of the road person, you are welcome to join the round-about queue and go round and round in circles as a part of our Cafeteria Catholica line until you have created the church of your choice.
Left leaners are advised not to look too closely at the right leaners side of the line and right leaners are advised not to look too closely at the left leaners side of the line. Those who do – from either side – may inadvertently find themselves in that middle queue going round and round choosing rules and regulations from both sides. This could become most confusing. And we do so want our customers to be satisfied with their churches.
Our Cafeteria also has numerous specialty Bars. For instance, if you are particularly fond of a doctrine or regulation that once existed but that you can no longer find in the CCC or the Code of Canon Law, do check out our History Bar. One of our historical theologians should be able to help you locate exactly what you are looking for. You will be able to select your dogmatic point and take it back to your church.
If you are trying to work your way into or out of a canonically difficult point, our Canon Law Bar should be just right for you. We have marvelous Canon Lawyers who can help you argue anything you might wish to argue – from any point of view or any obtuse angle imaginable. They are true experts on minutiae. We invite everyone to stop by this Bar because both the right and the left can find appropriate arguments there.
Should a doctrine, dogma, rule, or teaching change after you have chosen it, you are welcome to return it and find a new doctrine, dogma, rule, or teaching – one more in keeping with your perception of your church. You are also welcome to visit our Roma Locuta; Causa Finita Bar where, if you choose, you will be instructed by our Roma Locuta; Causa Finita Bar experts. They will be most happy to give you pointers on how to explain that the doctrine, dogma, rule, or teaching in question did not really change at all and, in addition, they will instruct you on how to deal with skeptics who say that it did.
If you are a firm believer in what some may consider to be an obsolete tradition, we have the Obsolete Traditions Bar. Here you can choose your favorite tradition, learn its history (whitewashed in whatever way you find palatable), and receive stalwart advice on how to propagate it and convince others that your tradition is indeed part of the very foundation of your church. There are plenty of obsolete traditions of both the liberal and conservative ilk. If you don’t already have a favorite obsolete tradition, you will easily be able to find one you like at this Bar.
We also have a wonderful New Ideas Bar. You are welcome to visit this New Ideas Bar and present your ideas for reforming your church. Please note that there is a Left side to this Bar as well as a Right side. Some guests at the Cafeteria Catholica tend to think that the Left side of the Bar is promoting the Church as the People of God while the Right side of the Bar is for promoting the Church as the hierarchical conglomerate of God’s regulations. We would like to assure you that these perceptions are not necessarily true. We invite you to visit this Bar and see for yourself. Experts on both sides of the Bar are standing by, ready and willing to answer your questions.
Oh, and please notice the man at the check-out register. He will help you move on. If he looks sad when you leave, it is probably because you did not select a generous portion of his personal commandment – “Love God above all things and love your neighbor as yourself.” He believes that had you filled your tray with his dictum, you would have no room for any of the other rules, regulations, edicts, and dogmas found here in our Cafeteria Catholica. After all, that is what he built his own church on.
