The Trip to Hawaii I think was good for me on the whole, though to be honest it made me realize just how much I dislike living in AZ. I think I understand better how a friend of mine felt when she returned from her trip to Montana and how it made her determined to get out of AZ and move to Montana which she did a few weeks ago.
I have never been a desert person. I love the ocean. Some people love the Mountains and some like the Parries. I realized just how much I miss living near the ocean and how much I miss living in Massachusetts. Even as a little girl, my heart was always in Massachusetts.
I could be happy living in Hawaii. If I end up there I could be happy. Though to be honest going back to Massachusetts is my first choice. I could move to TN, as I have a dear friend moving there outside of Nashville. I might go there. True there isn’t any ocean, but people who have been to TN tell me it is very beautiful and has mountains.
People who read this blog know that I suffer from PTSD and other emotional problems because of abuse in my life. That is why I started this blog to help myself and others who might want help out of the hell they are living in. Believe me it is living in hell when you can’t move pass the tramatic things that happen in your life.
I have a hard time with trust issues, because the times that I did try and talk to people in authority about my abuse they didn’t understand and they would tell my mother what I said. I remember at 14 the dean told my mother that I hated her. I don’t hate my mother. I love her, but sometimes I get angry with her for the things she says and does. There is a difference between hate and anger. My mom still brings it up about how much I hate her and what the school told her even all these years later. The school was wrong.
The only person who I think has helped me was Terry the Social worker from MA who understood me and didn’t judge me harshly. He was a great help and was the one who told me what I was suffering from (Tramatic Stress).
I know I have to start trusting someone who I can open up too who knows how to help people who suffer from what I suffer from. How do I find that person? One just doesn’t look in the phone book for social worker/counselor.
Anyway, I have decided to try and find someone who can help me deal with my past. I know some people would love to hold it against me, but I really don’t care. I want to work through the emotional issues that I have. Many abused children and women have these issues. I am not a bad person, it is just a lot of bad things have happen to me.
I have a lot of emotional hurt due to my brother that I want to work out as well as the abuse and the other things I was forced to do against my will.
Anyway, I decided to try again to talk to someone. I just hope that whatever I say doesn’t get twisted around again to make me look like the bad person who hates my mom and she uses what I say against me when she gets angry with me. I don’t hate her. I just wish people would understand that I love her I just get angry with her sometimes.
My dad always told me that no matter what she does or says to me she is my mother and I am to love her. I do love her, but sometimes I don’t know how to connect or relate to her.
So I guess this trip is good in that I do understand that I will never have a different relationship with my mother than what I have because she will never change. How she is is how she will stay. I will never have a relationship with my brother who they pushed on me at 12 and that in reality I don’t have a brother. I may have a brother who I hear from once in a while, but there is no real emotional connection. I feel guilt for things that I was forced to do that were evil and I tend to self-destruct to self punish myself I think.
These are emotional problems that many abused children suffer.
So maybe this is another big step on my journey out of hell into a better world. I will keep posting so that others who are going through the same thing might be inspired to take the next step and be willing to search for a person who is qualified to help us work through the emotional pain of our past abuse.
Love
Chrisy
Hello, didn’t know you were back. Dang, this is emotional. You sure you want everyone seeing this?
Friend,
The reason I started this blog was for the purpose of healing not only myself, but hopefully it would encourage and inspire others to put the past behind them.
Yes, I am taking a risk that what I post here can be used against me, but if I don’t how many others will never seek the help?
This is my past. This is part of who I am. I don’t want to suffer anymore.