It is hard to be transparent. No one likes to show a side that would indicate any irresponsibility or failure. No one wants others to know about their embarrassments, or their inconsistencies. Being transparent can prove that we are not who we seem to be, or bear witness to the fact that we aren’t as good at something as we thought we were.
Sometimes being transparent is just letting others see your vulnerable self. It is letting others see you cry, moan, weep or gnash your teeth. It is letting others in on your heartbreak, your hurt, and your sensitive areas. It is coming off the pedestal and standing down in the midst of the crowd.
It is being Jesus, and being hung to die on a cross for all the world to see.
This was sent me some time ago by my Catholic Email group. I really like it.
It is scary for some people to be transparent. I know it is scary for me to open up my soul in this journal that anyone can read and use against me. Yet, I am hoping that getting all these emotions out will be healing and I can move on in life.
I am being real.
I had a good night sleep last night.
Do I feel better today after speaking about my feelings for Kitty Olive? Those feelings need to come out. She was a mean and evil person. What kind of person tells a child after her father dies that because he didn’t tell her something that happen to me like being raped and that he didn’t believe me and that it didn’t happen. Or that my father didn’t love me. He was dead so I couldn’t ask him if that was true? Tell me why would my father tell the Olives about my rape when they weren’t even in our lives at the time? Is that something a father is going to share with childhood friends he hasn’t been close to for years? So because my father didn’t tell them it didn’t happen. IT DID HAPPEN AND I WAS THERE. THEY WEREN’T THERE AND FOR THEM TO MAKE THE WORLD BELIEVE THAT THEY ARE TELLING THE TRUTH AND I AM LYING IS VERY WRONG. I don’t hate anyone but if I did I would say Kitty Olive is one of the top people on that list.
I always thought my dad loved me. Where ever we were in the world we would talk on the phone. There wasn’t a day that I didn’t tell my dad I loved him. I thought he loved me too. He made mistakes as we all do, but I always loved him very much as he was my daddy and felt he loved me too or I did until Kitty Olive. She got what she wanted she even took away my dad’s love from me. I don’t know anymore.
She took that love I thought my father felt for me and had to destroy it for her own pleasure.
She is just another Right Wing Republican whose hate hurts people.
I have a lot of unresolved feelings in my life. I know I have to forgive and move on, but how do I forgive someone who set out to destroy any happiness I might have known in life?
My whole life the Kitty Olives in this world win. The people who don’t really care about anything else but them and what it is they want. The people who might be nice to your face but inside they are planning and just waiting for a chance to destroy and hurt you. Let’s lie and gossip. What can we do to stop them from finding any happiness in life because we couldn’t bear to see them happy.
I won’t kill myself, but I can’t wait for the day I die. I still want to die. I have nothing to look forward to in life. I know very little happiness.
Tonight I am going out with a friend for dinner so maybe my mood will improve, but I also think what is the point. Nothing good happens in my life anyway.
The real topper in this is the Kitty Olive is another Catholic who looks her nose down on me when she lies, gossips, hurts people, and enjoys it when their words and actions cause that innocent person to be abused. Yet she has the gall to say I am a bad Catholic. I think she needs to look at her own Catholic walk before judging mine.
Yes, I wear sandals to mass instead of panty hoes and pumps during the Summer because at least in AZ it gets darn right hot. At least out here people wear shorts to mass. Does that make us bad and terrible Catholics because we don’t dress as formal as she does. Is it the clothes a person wears that make them a good Catholic?
She gets a way with it because she looks so normal and good and I on the other hand am a suffering from the effects of abuse, anger, and out of control behavior so I look like this wild animal. So I am always the bad guy that everyone believes the lies and half-truths about and the abuser looks like she is smelling like a rose.
I used to blame Kitty Olive more than the people who listened to her lies and gossip and than run with it. The neighbors who knew that my mother was abusing me and left me there. I had one so called friend Sue say we knew your mother was giving you a hard time and we didn’t want to bother you. Gee that is really nice. I am supposed to be your friend and you know what is going on and you leave me there to suffer more emotional abuse. Did they know I took a whole bunch of sleeping pills because the very neighbors that were suppose to care about me as friends did nothing? I asked for help and was told it wasn’t their problem and was left there so what did they expect I would do? I know Kitty Olive would have been happy if I had died right then and there instead of sleeping for a long time. I think the neighbors would have been happy too if I had died. I wish I would have died then and there.
I just can’t let go because what was done to me that Summer was so terrible that I can’t forget. The so called friends who said they cared and loved me who couldn’t be bothered to help an abused person who needed to be removed from that household. NO, they just left me there to suffer that HELL by myself because they couldn’t be bothered.
So yes, is it any wonder when I got my voice back that I was angry and out of control? I think any normal thinking person would be angry and out of control.
Don’t worry I won’t kill myself because I am a Catholic and I don’t want to be in hell for all eternity for committing sucide. I just wish to God I had never been born or he will take me in death very soon and I can finally have some peace in my life. Just once I would like something good to happen to me.
I am finished trying to be the good Catholic and try for all parties to act like good Catholics and do the right thing by each other. I am done. I am tired of being kicked in the teeth and made to feel like I am this evil person because I want the truth to be told and come out and the right thing to be done.
Oh, the looney title that they put on me is a lie too. Terry the social worker who understood me said he would testify in court that I was not crazy but I was suffering from Post tramatic stress and that I was more in reality than certain other people who keep telling everyone that I am looney tunes.
The Nun who was my dear friend for many years and was at my confirmation and stood up with me when I was confirmed broke my heart too. Out of all people who I thought would have known the truth she said she didn’t know who to believe and that hurt me very much. We had been friends, I had helped with the sisters when they needed help, and she didn’t know if she believed me over people she had never met before. Was it the money that was given for the charity that made her doubt me? When there was an earthquake I sent boxes to her to help with the people who needed it. I know it wasn’t a large sum of money but it was from my heart. I know she couldn’t wait to tell me how much money was donated by a certain family. Was it worth it?
I learned then and there is a different standard for rich Catholics and another one for poor Catholics. The rich Catholic can sin and get away with it and the poor Catholic they sin against is told just forgive and just accept. The rich Catholic can annull their marriages without any real grounds but the poor Catholic is told he is to stay married because his annullment would not be granted.
I lost my faith for a very long time. I am working on getting it back, but it is very hard when I still see the corruption within the church. I wonder if there is a true honest priest anymore with a true heart of God?
I know Father Enzie was but that was many years ago. I haven’t met a priest that has the true heart of God in years. I keep praying I will. There used to be priests who really shined with the love of Christ in them.
Now, I don’t see that. The last church had a priest who liked to get people upset with each other to feed off the energy. He would lie to the people of the church and tell them something when the truth was that he was behind what was happening. Like the case of one women in the church he didn’t like so in a meeting he had someone else bring up topics that he knew would upset this lady. The person did as he was asked to do by the priest and when the lady got very upset and left the room crying the priest was smiling and happy. I don’t want someone like that as my priest. I have known to many people like that in my life. Does the kind of behavior reflect Christ’s love. I DON’T THINK SO.
I remember when my dad died I needed to talk to a priest and he told me he had a golf game. His golf game was more important than talking to someone who had just lost their father. I never went back to that church again. That is just one example of the kind of priests today that are coming up the ranks.
So yes I have some anger toward the church too, but I am trying to work through that. I love the old church. I love Jesus, Mary, and the Saints.
I can’t let my faith be destroyed again but keep my eyes on Jesus. I have to believe that Jesus will heal me of all the hurt that has caused the anger. Jesus heals in the Bible. Jesus heals in real life. HE can heal me and I have to believe that he will show me through the darkness and into the light.
Maybe this is my cross in life to always be misunderstood and misjudged by people. I have to keep my focus on Jesus and not even think that man can help me. Man has failed me every time I have tried to seek his help so I am not going to try anymore. I give up!